***EDIT***

No, if I understand correctly, the problem was that you were disrespectful to her about the tires when she was gardening. Wasn't that the problem? It's not that you joined her for gardening - it's that you were disrespectful.

Did you get that written down in your record for love busters for the week? I'm concerned that I keep asking if you were disrespectful and you say no, but your wife says yes. This is the big problem I'm seeing - you are disrespectful, and you don't realize it. You've got to figure this out.

Do you see the disrespect in asking her if she will ALLOW a RE-DO?

If markos ever asked me such thing, I would have been up in arms. It smacks of "Are you going to let me do this, or are you going to be such a **** to actually say no (which is what I expect you to do anyway)."

As apples said, don't make a federal case out of getting her permission. Just do it. She'll likely reject it, but just do it. Continuing to ask her permission to meet her emotional needs is not going to get you anywhere. It WILL come off as disrespectful.

In other words, you don't want to do or say anything that may imply she is unreasonable.

It can also be taken as permission to get off the hook for Mother's Day. Knowing that she will tell him not to bother and then blaming his wife. It is an unfair position to put her in, coming from a spouse who has been neglectful over the years.

This is why some women run off with dirtbag, abusers. Because those men know how to meet certain emotional needs really well to make up for the abuse. It beats abuse and neglect.

Most people like a gift if it is done right. I wonder if gift giving in the past has made her feel negatively about it because of the way it was done.

***EDIT***
Remark,

Chin up, my friend. I'm know that it is difficult to keep posting here and have us correcting and helping you every day. I promise that it will pay off one way or another.

You see, as Dr. Harley explains men's and women's brains are so different. And some people have less empathy than others. Now when your wife tells you '"Ouch" like Prisca just did, oftentimes you will be blindsided and not see why. That's because of brain differences. We are explaining all of these hidden ouches so that you can practice hearing negative feedback without reacting.

In a way, this is similar to anger management. When a person has an anger problem for 15 years, it takes an intensive course in anger management to learn what they didn't know and practice reacting calmly. In the past, Remark, you did not prioritize your wife and were disrespectful when you were to blind to her reasoning. The tedious back and forth posting is like an intense course of how to handle your wife's complaints without getting mad at her for having a different reaction or perspective.

This is an example of the just compensation to your wife. I admire you for doing it and not once in the past few weeks playing the victim. You are on the right track. Going in your mind to your wife's lack of participation in the program is not going to help you at all. In fact, when you are tempted to go there, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to learn these things while you are still married. That's more than a lot of people on this board can say.

Yes. It is a skill that you can develop. And ideally you could discuss it with your wife in the future. You don't need to spend a lot of money. It is the effort channeled with thoughtfulness, tailored personally to your wife.

DQ,

Just checked briefly over lunch, as I forgot my cell phone today. I don't have time to digest and reply to all of the posts this AM, apparently, until tonight.
***EDIT***
Thanks,
Remark

No problem, Remark. We all understand that you have a job and a family to put first.

DQ,

Thank you for the support. You are wise. And, I don't get some of those differences between women's thinking and men's thinking sometimes, yet am sensitive to it more now.
And, the comparison to intense anger management therapy helped.

I totally missed whatever was edited.

My son and I took wife/Mom out for the Mother's Day dinner we owed her that she was too tired for Sunday.

Yes, I have come to grips with my own participation in the program regardless of wife's. Likening it to just compensation, whether accurate or not, helps my mental attitude.

Thanks, Remark

Prisca,

I understand your point. Words can have very subtle different meaning to you or my wife, when no offense was intended.

Slowly, perhaps, I am learning.

Thank you,
Remark

Markos,
Yes, though I didn't perceive it, I came across as disrespectful felt a 2nd tire and said "let's do them all". It sure didn't seem or sound disrespectful to me. Lesson learned.

I will write it down in my book. Thank you I hadn't done that, but do have the book set up and have a couple of entries in it.

Thanks,
Remark

Apples,

You may be right, though don't know how I messed up in these lately. I think our relationship is simply so fragile, that I'll have to be very sensitive to that for a long time to come yet.
She doesn't ask for much. So, when I hear her ask for something, I lock in on it and come through. A while back, she asked for a new pepper spray (that she keeps in her purse.) I did the very next day, and I don't why it as rejected. It's exactly what she asked for, but is still in the bag in the laundry room. Similarly, Valentine's Day cards and Mother's Day card from me sometimes go unopened.
The wounds I've put on her are very deep is what that conveys to me.

Thanks,
Remark

We've told you why they are rejected, Remark.

SHE'S IN WITHDRAWAL. She's going to reject anything you do or say for quite a while.

When I was in withdrawal, I would take cards that markos left for me and tear them into little bitty strips. I'd throw them away and hoped he'd see them and get the hint. I did NOT want him to make lovebank deposits.

Keep making lovebank deposits, no matter how many times she rejects you.

I did it anyway.

(And sometimes went off by myself and sobbed.)


Yep.

And DON'T forget to figure out everything you are doing each day that she finds disrespectful.

Good - the more complete picture you have of this situation, the more you will become capable of fixing the problem. And the more understanding you'll have of her behavior.

With only a couple entries, it's certain you're missing a lot of the picture at this point in time, so keep patiently filling it in and figuring it out.

Bad day today.

Spent much of it talking with my wife. She compiles this list of LBs of mine in recent days. I promised I'd post it. Here it is

"The forum instructed me some time back to list your LB's for you weekly. So here's one for this week, or more specifically, for yesterday :

First of all, I'm tired of you accusing me in general of not putting any effort into this, in spite of your understanding that I'm in withdrawal, and you complaining that it's all on you. So I've written this list with that perspective (my effort #1).

Friday, a.m., you sent me a couple of general "business" emails. I responded promptly and put some thought and effort into my responses, rather than blowing them off until later which I'm often inclined to do under the current circumstances (my effort #2.) In one of my replies to your questions, I asked a related question of my own. Though you replied to the email, you ignored my question (LB #1) I also replied to your email from Thursday (your written response to my verbal question.) Though you responded, it didn't address my actual question (LB #2.) Knowing how my "not accepting your answer" vexes you, I chewed on it for 24 hours, trying very hard to formulate a response that wouldn't anger you but might still get me an answer to my question (my effort #3.) I also considered simply dropping it altogether, but it's really quite a deal-breaker for me, so I worded it as best I could and sent it to you. You replied that you were busy fighting a fire and would get back to me later. I replied that it wasn't it problem and patiently waited (my effort #4) but you never responded (LB #3).

At 5:30, I got a call from Jake asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. It wasn't difficult to figure out that it was probably not his idea, that you had likely told him to do so, probably because the forum had prodded you to do so. In spite of that, I agreed to go, albeit reluctantly knowing you would want to come along (my effort #3).

When I got home, I made a point not to approach you about my unanswered email, because you've stated in the past how it bothers you when I walk in the door and immediately start up with you (my effort #5). While I was refreshing my hair and make-up to prepare to go out, you initiated a conversation with me regarding Jake's behavior. I engaged with you (my effort #6), but after responding to your points and waiting for an answer to my related question, I looked for you, only to discover that you had left the bedroom and the conversation (LB #4). I could only guess that something I had said ticked you off, but you didn't bother to tell me what (LB #5) and simply left as you decided the conversation was over.

After I finished getting ready and went downstairs prepared to leave, you handed me the cordless phone and told me (LB #6) and Jake to "listen" for and help you find your phone, which you had misplaced again (LB #7). For the next 5 minutes, we wandered around the house looking for your phone (my effort #7) until you decided you should look for it and found it in your car. I put my frustration aside and chose to make the best of the remaining evening anyway (my effort #8).

We went to the restaurant, got seated, and ordered. The rest of the time there, you barely participated in any conversation (LB #8), making the time feel very awkward. I still made some small talk with you, keeping it light and off of any discussion about our relationship (my effort #9), even offering you some of my fabulous asparagus (my effort #10.) I made the best of it, engaging in (mostly) pleasant conversation with Jake, and didn't complain about your odd mood (perhaps you were still mad about whatever I said earlier in the bathroom) or quiet demeanor (my effort #11).

After we got home, you immediately turned on the TV and put on the ballgame with Jake (LB #9). You made the comment that you just needed a few minutes to relax. I asked if you had ever responded to my email earlier in the day, and you said that you hadn't, that you had forgot about it (LB #10), but that you would do so in just a few minutes. You never did (LB #11).

After watching the game for a bit, you offered to me that I could watch whatever I wanted. This put me in the position of being the "bad guy" and changing the channel (LB #12) when you and Jake were obviously already invested in watching the game. I declined (my effort #12), grateful for the excuse that I had brought home some work . Though I ultimately never could get logged into work, I opted to entertain myself with internet videos and articles so you and Jake could watch the game (my effort #13). A short time later, you were asleep on the couch, snoring (LB #13) and I just went to bed wondering, what's the point? "

I'm not proud.

Remark

How you feel about it is not as important as how you respond to her list of complaints.

You have had enough help at this point to figure out how to respond, right? What to say and do, as well as what is unnecessary to say?

These are all habits that can be fixed.

I suggest you use this information to start a checklist.

Just imagine you are trying to date a hot girl and this it what you do...
Imagine how that would work out.

Your wife should feel like your hot date, not like if you had taken your annoying aunt Gladys to dinner, being glad it is over and you can relax in front of the television.