Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 20 of 21 1 2 18 19 20 21
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362
Likes: 3
My point is to not make threats:
"This is the last time."
"I'm going to separate from you if it happens again."
"Follow MB or I'm leaving."

You do not have to give it one more go. If he knows that an MB marriage is what you need, you are perfectly within your rights to separate now. Just do it without making threats.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Ok, got it. No threat it is


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Alada, how are things going with you. What happened with the issues you were dealing with in March?

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Thanks for checking up on me ever2late.

I installed some spyware and he's been clean. We've been doing prety good, love banks have been over the threshold lately. However, this past week I caught a terrible cold and the butterflies just vanished. Sometimes I'm amazed at how sensitive the love bank is, however I'm glad I know exactly what I need to do to go over that threshold again.

I still feel H would benefit a lot from reading/listening to MB radio, but I can only suggest it.

He has not been able to find a job, he is overqualified for all of them. He even got an interview with the owner of a big company who told him exactly that, we can not hire you because you are overqualified, I'll keep your cv in case.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284

I'm feeling prety down today. Dday 2nd aniversary is coming up, and I'm pregnant, so I feel my hormones are doing wako things on myself.

I think we are doing prety good on our recovery, I've been working on not lowering the bar. I keep complaining about whatever I don't like, and I do it as respectfully as I can, just stating the facts. Most of the times I get a good response from H, but sometimes my complains go igonred.

I think our main problem here is that H is not meeting my EN for IC. We talk a lot, we do a lot of fun things, SF is great and frequent, but IC is just not happening. As I said I'm feeling prety hormonal, I have nightmares, small things make me go over the edge and cry or shut myself down.

How can we work this out? I feel prety starved of IC, a shoulder to cry and a few words when I'm feeling down. It huts me specially given that it's exactly how his A started, he was conforting OW.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Are you doing the online program?

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
No, we are not


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
How much UA time are you getting? UA time should be met by meeting the 4 intimate ENs, SF, RC, Afection and IC. What are you doing during your UA time?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Hi {{{ Alada }}}

Since you guys aren't doing the MB online program, what are you doing at the moment to work towards recovery?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
I'm sorry that this is a tough time for you right now. I also still get down sometimes...the roller coaster is still working at full speed...ugh...but the difference is that now I can go a week or two until I take that downhill slide. :::knocking on wood::: because I don't want to go there right now lol.

When I do go for that downhill ride, my H now notices immediately without my even having to say anything, and he works with me to think of anything to pull me back to the top.

Is your H working with you to help? I'm not meaning to just "try" things...I mean to POJA things in each case and do anything to rip me up out of that funk. Since we POJA'd it all, then H just goes through that list with me when I'm down in that hole, and whichever thing lights any sort of fire in me lol, we hurry and do that.

When I get like that Alada, I don't WANT to feel better, or try, or go or do anything...it's like insta-depression for me...so H really has to pull me up for a minute...what we do is sometimes H will read the bible, sometimes he will go down a list of things that he loves about me, sometimes he'll give me a back rub, sometimes we will go get an ice cream, sometimes we will get in the car and drive for an hour or two away, sometimes we will go to a park, go swimming...not necessarily UA time because we drop everything and GO...Then it usually snaps back quickly for me...and soon I'm back at the top of the hill again.

Maybe you and your H could POJA in advance a list like that?

And yeah...UA TIME...that's a given so I'm assuming that you guys are still keeping up with that? UA is another thing that took us a long while to get "right". We would do it, plenty of it, but I had to keep complaining to H for a long while that I didn't feel that it was UNDIVIDED attention. And then I didn't enjoy UA time very much at all. Now I can say that we are finally getting close to it being truly UA for almost all of the time. But we constantly have to stick to our schedule in order to get it...seems that now that we are doing better, life intervenes more if we allow it to.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Sorry about the hiatus.

Regarding our UA tim, we miseed quite a few weeks, becuase I was on bed rest. This last month we picked up quite a bit. I still need to rest a lot, but we are finally doing our 15 hours. We do a lot of different things, coffee, walks, billard, movies, theatre, satying home under the covers, etc.

We got the books HNHN, SAA, LB along with the workbooks.The problem we had with these, is that I have to translate, and ultimately it feels like I'm lecturing him. I listen to the radio, but H doesn't. He does not feel motivated to read or listen because of the language.

We do follow EP, UA, Poja is still tricky for us.

When I hit a low, H either ignores it or withdraws from me. I think whenever I start feeling low, H feels guilty and tries to just move on.



FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Don't try to read your husband's mind Alada...he may or may not feel guilty when you feel low, but your deciding how he feels is a love buster. Can you think of a few things that might help you, and then POJA them with hubby to see if he is willing to try them?

A big part of the stumbling block (for us) with POJA, was learning the PORH. We each would sometimes choose the easier way and not take the time to input our honest perspective (we were sacrificing out of laziness). RH is a must in order to ascertain that both really are enthusiastic about solutions.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
I agree that you need to not assume you know why H is ignoring or withdrawing from you.

I know when my H hits a 'low' it is generally when he is love busting more, so if I am more withdrawn it is generally because he is unpleasant to be around. (i.e. sad, mopey, complaining, negative...) I am not saying that is what you are doing, and we all have low moments, but just thinking of it from a different perspective.

As BlindSighted said, PORH will help you figure that out, if you are both honest about your feelings as to what is bothering you and finding solutions to that.

Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Thanks Blindsighted, yes I will stop mind-reading.

I will work on a list and talk to him, I'm truly afraid of his reaction, but I will give it a shot.

Now regarding RH, it's being a stumblig block. Since I have noticed that he ignores or withdraws, I usually just try to say nothing when I'm low. I do complain about other stuff like IB or AH. We'll work on it.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Originally Posted by Alada
I will work on a list and talk to him, I'm truly afraid of his reaction, but I will give it a shot.

Now regarding RH, it's being a stumblig block. Since I have noticed that he ignores or withdraws, I usually just try to say nothing when I'm low. I do complain about other stuff like IB or AH. We'll work on it.
Remember we have to do our part to keep the bar high. wink

Like Dr. Harley points out in his books, saying nothing when we are low is kind of like the bank not sending an overdraft notice when we have overdrawn our account. That information is important so that we can take action and fix the problem.

In what way are you afraid of your H's reaction?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
In what way are you afraid of your H's reaction?

I'm afraid he will just ignore it. That's how it has been in the past, we talk make plans and then he doesn't follow through.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Originally Posted by Alada
I'm afraid he will just ignore it. That's how it has been in the past, we talk make plans and then he doesn't follow through.
Once you both are free to be Radically Honest with each other, that will stop happening. In reality, POJA requires that even if we change our minds about the solution, we are free to be honest and say so. This took time (for us) to learn.

We must be pleasant even if we feel disappointed when our spouse tells us that they have changed their mind and wish to re-POJA.

If your H doesn't follow through on solutions that have been agreed upon, please let him know that it bothers you and ask to re-POJA.

Through following all of the steps in POJA, we learn to keep each other safe in the midst of conflict. As a couple, we learn that we are safe to be honest with each other, and pretty soon we realize the beauty of the PORH. smile


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
Here's a radio clip that made me think of you. The H will agree to POJA during the discussion but won't follow through. Please tell us what you think.

Radio Clip on POJA


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
A
Alada Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 284
Thanks Brainhurts, it was a very good session, both segments.

After listening to the clip, and reading what blindsighted said I realize that I need to make H feel safe to be open and honest. I've been prety emotional as I said and he might be afraid to tell me exactly what he feels. In addition, I think that I need to complain more often, in a respectful way not emotionally charged. It is a challenge for me, but I will work on it.

Just as a said note, just this weekend I found out something special H likes about SF. I can not believe we have been 15years together and I didn't know. He was ashamed to tell me before, so I used to occasion to tell him how important RH is.


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,449
Likes: 4
Is this your question?
Radio Clip


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 20 of 21 1 2 18 19 20 21

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 188 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Comfortable Shoe, Sourdine, Abela Laye, Ardent Center, Lost@1969
71,846 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5