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Whatever comes before the marriage will destroy the marriage. If your husband puts his career first, then you cannot have a good marriage in spite of it.


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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by apples123
High school football is generally afternoon practice and one game night per week. Why is it taking so much of evening times?

Sounds like time is being used unproductively so where. Are y'all watching TV? Part of a club? Avid church goers?

Oh no, high school football(especially Tx football) is much more than one night a week and short afternoon practices. This is not just my husband being there is the requirements of all the staff. It's not like he stays after others have been released. In fact, sometimes they tease him about being the first out the door.

They have two game nights a week (one sub-varsity and one varsity) coaches have responsibilities on both nights. He is also the one stuck driving the bus a lot of times....

How many hours per week does your husband's job take?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by JBKT16
I'm sorry that I am coming across in such a manner to you. I am only saying "I can't" when they are things that are out of my control. .

No. His little job is not out of his control. We cannot hope to help you if you refuse to take the advice. We cannot help you if you INSIST on putting anything before your marriage.

We have told you this many, many times.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Here is how you need to prioritize your lives:

1. 20 hours for your marriage
2. 15 hours for family commitment
3. your jobs
4. personal hobbies

Somehow you all manage to find time for your jobs, so I KNOW you can find time for your marriage and your family!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Also, tell me again when you are speaking to the Harleys? Are you getting help from them?

I do want help from them, but to be honest, I am a little nervous about this. I feel like I would be betraying him by talking to them behind his back, but I am pretty sure he wouldn't be on board with it. I don't want to backtrack now that he says he is willing to try.

Along these same lines....I honestly feel like I shouldn't be on here asking for help, but I am so desperate and am only wanting to help us. Would coming here be a violation to the POJA?

No, the POJA is not a loophole that a husband can use to keep his wife from doing Marriage Builders. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
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Originally Posted by JBKT16
I do have a question for you about the jealousy issue, and the way y'all handle it. If this is too personal to ask, then I apologize... Has there been a past affair that created the jealousy or was it always there? Does it not bother you at all that she feels this way at all about you? This is something that has really hurt me time and time again throughout our marriage.

The only past affair in our marriage is hers, actually. I have never had an affair.

No, it does not bother me at all for Prisca to feel jealous about me or for her to check up on me. I feel good about having her 100% integrated into my life. We have an exclusive relationship, so of course a natural consequence of that is that neither one of us wants the other to do anything that would jeopardize that.

But of course Prisca is never demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it. I suspect that if your husband were to eliminate the demands, disrespect, or anger, the jealousy would not bother you as much. One of the biggest lessons around here is that negative feelings don't have to lead to negative abusive behavior. That's why it's so crucial for your husband to get on board with the plan to eliminate love busters and exchange the weekly worksheets.

Quote
I feel as though he has no faith in me or us, and I have never done anything to bring those feelings on.

It's the other way around - you have to do something to bring on feelings of trust. For example, when he stops being demanding, disrespectful, and angry, you will begin to feel trust that he's not going to hurt you!

Quote
At first I tried to be considerate and understanding, but it seemed to only make the matter worse.

You can be considerate and understanding and also insist that you will not tolerate demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. That's how Prisca treats me.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Quote
I do have a question for you about the jealousy issue, and the way y'all handle it. If this is too personal to ask, then I apologize... Has there been a past affair that created the jealousy or was it always there? Does it not bother you at all that she feels this way at all about you? This is something that has really hurt me time and time again throughout our marriage. I feel as though he has no faith in me or us, and I have never done anything to bring those feelings on. At first I tried to be considerate and understanding, but it seemed to only make the matter worse.
Markos has never had an affair. He welcomes me checking up on him because:
1. He has nothing to hide
2. It alleviates any fears or "insecurities" that I have. When I see that he's really not up to anything, it CREATES trust.

I apologize if what I asked was disrespectful or anything toward y'all, I was not trying to come across that way.[/quote]

You didn't come across as disrespectful at all. That is a VERY good question! Dr. Harley and Joyce also treat each other the same way - if she feels jealous, he ends a relationship. It's that simple.

Do you maintain any relationships your husband is not enthusiastic about?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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JBKT16, I am a little bit worried that in the discussion about jealousy and the discussion about UA time, that this may have been missed. Please reread it:

Originally Posted by markos
JBKT16, that sounds so much like how Prisca and I used to be. We didn't have a lot of trouble being in love with each other, when we weren't fighting, because we were great at meeting each other's emotional needs. But we were terrible at love busters, and therefore we were terrible at resolving conflicts.

Something I'm seeing here is that you need to keep problems on the front burner. Your husband agreed to do Marriage Builders with you, but then nothing happened for a week. Instead of letting a week go by, bring it up EVERY DAY which will show him it is important to you. Your husband engages in selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. Each and every time this needs to go on a worksheet like Dr. Harley describes in Love Busters and you need to give him that worksheet each week and keep a record, with him striving to get that worksheet empty for an entire week at a time.

But for this to work you have got to bring it up and keep bringing it up - it is an issue, and it has got to stay an issue.

...

I believe you two need to work through the book Love Busters together, focusing on the first few chapters and exchanging the weekly worksheets Dr. Harley suggests, until the worksheets are empty. Then after Love Busters if you work through He Wins She Wins, you will probably have a great marriage, because it sounds like you already know how to meet each other's emotional needs. Along the way you will learn to resolve the difficulty that he is causing by not giving adequate time to meet your needs.

I would bring this up to your husband EVERY DAY. If he agrees one day, bring it up the next day until he does it. If he refuses or never gets around to it, keep bringing it up, but find out what Dr. Harley suggests.

Since your husband said he'll do Marriage Builders with you, order Love Busters and ask him to go through the first few chapters with you and start exchanging the worksheets it suggests. See if he says yes or no. We really need to know what his answer is before going further.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You are not the first one to show up who thought MB had some good ideas, but not all of it was possible. You are not the first to think that your situation was somehow different, and that you'd just have to somehow make it work differently.

I did, too.

It doesn't work. This program WILL NOT WORK if you cherry-pick it to death.


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Between this thread and your other thread, you have gotten 23 pages of advice. Your overall approach is still that you aren't willing to consider a lifestyle change to fix this marriage. How can anyone help you, if you won't help yourself?

Complaining with no intention to make substantial change is not real progress, it is lip service to your marriage.

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I'm familiar with TX football. You are making excuses.

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Btw that's still only 2 nights. For 11 weeks per year.


Prove to me the schedule is that bad. Write the whole thing down. (Are you catching my skepticism? It's because I work way more hours and still manage to make my husband my #1 priority.)

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Originally Posted by markos
JBKT16, I am a little bit worried that in the discussion about jealousy and the discussion about UA time, that this may have been missed. Please reread it:

Originally Posted by markos
JBKT16, that sounds so much like how Prisca and I used to be. We didn't have a lot of trouble being in love with each other, when we weren't fighting, because we were great at meeting each other's emotional needs. But we were terrible at love busters, and therefore we were terrible at resolving conflicts.

Something I'm seeing here is that you need to keep problems on the front burner. Your husband agreed to do Marriage Builders with you, but then nothing happened for a week. Instead of letting a week go by, bring it up EVERY DAY which will show him it is important to you. Your husband engages in selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. Each and every time this needs to go on a worksheet like Dr. Harley describes in Love Busters and you need to give him that worksheet each week and keep a record, with him striving to get that worksheet empty for an entire week at a time.

But for this to work you have got to bring it up and keep bringing it up - it is an issue, and it has got to stay an issue.

...

I believe you two need to work through the book Love Busters together, focusing on the first few chapters and exchanging the weekly worksheets Dr. Harley suggests, until the worksheets are empty. Then after Love Busters if you work through He Wins She Wins, you will probably have a great marriage, because it sounds like you already know how to meet each other's emotional needs. Along the way you will learn to resolve the difficulty that he is causing by not giving adequate time to meet your needs.

I would bring this up to your husband EVERY DAY. If he agrees one day, bring it up the next day until he does it. If he refuses or never gets around to it, keep bringing it up, but find out what Dr. Harley suggests.

Since your husband said he'll do Marriage Builders with you, order Love Busters and ask him to go through the first few chapters with you and start exchanging the worksheets it suggests. See if he says yes or no. We really need to know what his answer is before going further.

I did order the books, the day that y'all advised me to. Just waited to receive them. Despite what everyone thinks I AM serious about changing, and I have already made a lot of changes to myself. Thank you for your advice.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
You are not the first one to show up who thought MB had some good ideas, but not all of it was possible. You are not the first to think that your situation was somehow different, and that you'd just have to somehow make it work differently.

I did, too.

It doesn't work. This program WILL NOT WORK if you cherry-pick it to death.

I do not think "it has some good ideas..." I think it is 1000% correct, but for some reason y'all are not understanding that he is NOT going to quit his career, and I am not going to divorce him just because he won't.

So I want to do the program and would love advice while going through it, but if y'all don't think I am serious then I apologize for wasting your time.

It is NOT that I am not willing to make a lifestyle change, I would, but his career is not mine.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
I do have a question for you about the jealousy issue, and the way y'all handle it. If this is too personal to ask, then I apologize... Has there been a past affair that created the jealousy or was it always there? Does it not bother you at all that she feels this way at all about you? This is something that has really hurt me time and time again throughout our marriage.

The only past affair in our marriage is hers, actually. I have never had an affair.

No, it does not bother me at all for Prisca to feel jealous about me or for her to check up on me. I feel good about having her 100% integrated into my life. We have an exclusive relationship, so of course a natural consequence of that is that neither one of us wants the other to do anything that would jeopardize that.

But of course Prisca is never demanding, disrespectful, or angry about it. I suspect that if your husband were to eliminate the demands, disrespect, or anger, the jealousy would not bother you as much. One of the biggest lessons around here is that negative feelings don't have to lead to negative abusive behavior. That's why it's so crucial for your husband to get on board with the plan to eliminate love busters and exchange the weekly worksheets.

Quote
I feel as though he has no faith in me or us, and I have never done anything to bring those feelings on.

It's the other way around - you have to do something to bring on feelings of trust. For example, when he stops being demanding, disrespectful, and angry, you will begin to feel trust that he's not going to hurt you!

Quote
At first I tried to be considerate and understanding, but it seemed to only make the matter worse.

You can be considerate and understanding and also insist that you will not tolerate demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. That's how Prisca treats me.

Thank you for the reply, and I think you are right it is not the actual jealousy but the way he handles it. I have never thought about it that way until coming here. Maybe because he has NEVER handled it kindly.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Quote
I do have a question for you about the jealousy issue, and the way y'all handle it. If this is too personal to ask, then I apologize... Has there been a past affair that created the jealousy or was it always there? Does it not bother you at all that she feels this way at all about you? This is something that has really hurt me time and time again throughout our marriage. I feel as though he has no faith in me or us, and I have never done anything to bring those feelings on. At first I tried to be considerate and understanding, but it seemed to only make the matter worse.
Markos has never had an affair. He welcomes me checking up on him because:
1. He has nothing to hide
2. It alleviates any fears or "insecurities" that I have. When I see that he's really not up to anything, it CREATES trust.

I apologize if what I asked was disrespectful or anything toward y'all, I was not trying to come across that way.

You didn't come across as disrespectful at all. That is a VERY good question! Dr. Harley and Joyce also treat each other the same way - if she feels jealous, he ends a relationship. It's that simple.

Do you maintain any relationships your husband is not enthusiastic about? [/quote]

Thank you for your kind answers. No, I do not have any relationships he is not enthusiastic about. To be honest I don't have any friends at all, male or female. The only people I ever spend time with other than my husband and kids, are his parents or mine.

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Originally Posted by JBKT16
[I do not think "it has some good ideas..." I think it is 1000% correct, but for some reason y'all are not understanding that he is NOT going to quit his career, and I am not going to divorce him just because he won't. .

But you haven't even tried. And yes, you are wasting your time and ours if you won't try.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by apples123
Btw that's still only 2 nights. For 11 weeks per year.


Prove to me the schedule is that bad. Write the whole thing down. (Are you catching my skepticism? It's because I work way more hours and still manage to make my husband my #1 priority.)

During football season, he works from 7am, until about 7-8 pm (Monday Tueaday). Once he gets home it is almost time for me to be getting the kids in bed. I typically have dinner made and he eats. We eat before him on most nights during football (we try to eat together during other times of the year). Wednesday night he gets home a little earlier (maybe 6).

Thursday and Friday are game nights. Thursday he is not home until around 11pm or so. Friday he is not home until at least 12pm maybe 1 am if they are out of town. Saturday mornings he has to work until around lunch time. Sunday he is off. This is as a sub-varsity coach. In the past he has always been a varsity coach and they worked Saturday 5 or 6 hours as well as the same on Sunday. So until this year he has worked 7 days a week during football. Baseball is demanding in a similar way, but typically we get to see him much more than during football.

Most people do NOT understand how many hours these coaches put in but are quick to complain when their teams are not the best in Texas...

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Originally Posted by JBKT16
[

Most people do NOT understand how many hours these coaches put in but are quick to complain when their teams are not the best in Texas...

What we DO understand is that it is not working for your marriage, so your first goal is to change this.

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by JBKT16
[

Most people do NOT understand how many hours these coaches put in but are quick to complain when their teams are not the best in Texas...

What we DO understand is that it is not working for your marriage, so your first goal is to change this.

Have you heard back from Dr. Harley?

I just don't understand how everything is suddenly about the job. I do believe we could have a good marriage, even with the complications his job creates. It is the way we communicate, hateful things that are said and done that are causing our marriage to be less than desirable. The lovebusters are ruining us, not the job. A few years ago I would have possibly blamed the job (when he was bringing it home with him all the time) but he has fixed that issue, and I no longer feel that way. Also, we have to learn to take advantage of the time we do have. I have often complained about not using our time available in a productive way. If we could learn to do that (use the time available) then I don't think the time away would be as big of a deal.

I have the generic email back, but have not called. If I call in, will they answer even if I am not willing to talk on the actual show? I am nervous about calling to be honest.

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