In late March this year I discovered by accident that my husband of 14 years had been having cybersex with men and women. I knew that he liked to look at porn and I didn't have any issues with that as I had looked at porn in the past. I learned of his infidelity whilst trying to retrieve a password from his gmail account, I saw a large list of various mens and womens contact emails - none did I recognise as friends or family. Then scattered amongst his general mail was emails from men with his replies embedded in - all totally sexual and spanning over approx. a month. The last one occurred at a time when I was working my evening job on a Saturday night in late March, it was a reply to a man saying 'Let me put the kids to bed and you can come round'.

I told my two children, aged 12 and 13 on discovering the emails (they are both mature for their ages and handled the whole thing so well given the circumstances), I confronted my OH (his initial reaction was silence followed by downplaying it as a fantasy and that there was never going to be any physical contact), I told my parents and I told his parents all within a couple of days on discovery and he knew that all these people were told. The only real emotion he showed initially was when I spoke to his mum and told her about the sexual abuse he had suffered once as a teen in a male toilets as I wondered if this had affected his sexuality - he was devastated that his mum knew and was really enraged with me. He said it had nothing to do with what he did. On questioning why he did the cyber sex he has since said that at that point in our marriage he felt unwanted by us as a family, unliked by his work colleagues, unloved by his mum and had a very poor self esteem - this has been brought out by 4 sessions of marriage counselling and lots of discussion/arguments between me and him (me raising all of this as I am having massive problems dealing with the whole thing).

I have since learned from my OH that he placed an ad on Craigslist adult contacts looking for a **** buddy and also looked for female contact on the site - he was unable to successfully contact women as the links moved him to adult sites but he was flooded by male interest. This apparently let him feel wanted - quote 'that someone wanted me'. He went on to exchange a few photos of his private parts and they did the same back. The men offered things that they would do to him and he would reciprocate back. He has since said that he never masturbated over any of the men, when they sent him face pictures he lost interest or when they got too frequent he lost interest, that when he finished typing after the messages that he felt sick about what he was doing but he was addicted to the attention.

My OH has always had difficulty in expressing his emotions, he doesn't like being around people much although will be quite outrageous in some ways - he has enjoyed going to the Rocky Horror Show in drag and likes to walk around the house naked without any issues. He used to feel uncomfortable expressing affection to me outside the house - holding hands in public, cuddling etc. but has become a lot more affectionate after the cyber sex.

After two days of discovering the cyber sex I made up with him and we started to have lots of sex, we went away on our family holiday and had more sex and this was the best we have had in such a long time! But I know my heart has been broken, in between the new attention we have been giving one another I feel destroyed - especially when I think of what has gone on - the cyber sex for at least a month (God knows how really long it was going on for as I have lost ability to trust anything he says), the fact that he placed an ad looking for sex and all the contact, etc.

My OH wants a second chance, wants us to put it all behind us. The counselling got him to open up and they tried to re-assure me that cyber sex is not real but a fantasy world but it doesn't cut the ice for me. How can I ever trust him again, I can't look at him without thinking does he really want me or does he want a man/woman instead?

Is there ever a way to end the pain? Can I really trust my OH ever again?

Have you been tested for STDs?
Has he been tested?
If hes having sex with random men he could kill you with AIDS

Welcome to MB.

I would ditch this counseling. Most marriage counselors have no idea how to recover a marriage after an affair, clearly your 'counselor' does not. Assisting your WH in diminishing his multiple infidelities and the pain it has inflicted on his family is disgusting.

Dr Harley has developed a plan to recover marriages from affairs, and many people on this board have used this plan to fully recover their marriages.

Your first course of action should be to read Surviving an Affair. It is a PLAN to recover your marriage post affair, and if you are both willing to follow it, it works.

Do you know the identities of any of these men or women? I would have your WH give you any information he can about the identities.

You have done a good job so far with exposing his A's to your children and close family members. You also want to expose to the family and friends of his AP's if you can identify them.

What has been done on this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I would also require him to take a poly to confirm what he is telling you.

It is almost a given that most waywards initially downplay and 'trickle truth' their actions. The information you have been given is very likely just the tip of the iceberg. Considering you have evidence that he was invited over by at least one hook up, that leads me to believe that there was more physical infidelity than he has led you to believe.

Believe nothing you cannot verify at this point. In your case, I don't just think it is important for you to have the truth for your sanity, but also for your health! If your WH is hooking up with random men and women on Craigs List and then having sex with you, you are at great danger.

A poly can not only incentify him to give you the truth, but will confirm to you whether he is or is not telling you the truth.

He is still lying to you.
No man looks at internet porn or exchanges dirty messages without sexual gratification.
Also, it is very easy for men to find another man for a quick encounter within hours (or less, depending on where you live). The chance that you discovered this right after it started is slim and it is quite that he has been sloppy about erasing his e-mail history. Even if he only just started with the internet, there are many ways he could have done similar things in real life. I would actively snoop for information and think critically of past times where he was too late.

For one cockroach you see, there is 500 you don't.
And get him tested for STD. Do not have unprotected sex in any way shape or form before that.

Okay, the situation is very difficult at the moment - I am in the frame of mind that I need him out of my life because of what he did. I believe that he did not hook up physically with anyone or I would not have had sex with him but it doesn't make any of the things he did right. He has maintained the reasoning that he led people on to 'keep them interested'. He has gone back to his Dr tonight and has been placed on antidepressants and on a mental health assessment due to depression and suicidal thoughts. I was so worried tonight when he didn't come home on time that I cycled out and looked for him (my daughter still has a tracker on her mobile phone that can locate him). The mental health team phoned when I got back and he took the call upstairs with the door shut but I listened in. Tonight he is angry at me, telling me I am not listening to him. He is angry I am reading your replies. He is sleeping downstairs and just so angry.

Are you married to him?

Why? With all due respect, your emotional involvement and desire to have that be the truth are clouding your judgement. His word is no where near trustworthy at the moment.

Trust nothing you cannot verify.

Good job exposing so bravely and well.



Clare it's simply not credible. He was talking about practical, non fantasy stuff like putting the kids to bed. Fantasists wouldn't mention that. He invited him round. C'Mon now.


It's completely irrelevant too. He thinks this modifies things - but no. An emotional, pornographic or cybersexual affair is just as damaging to your marriage as physical. The reason he is lying about it is because you might interfere with the physical hookups if you know about them - or will stop having sex.

Counselling is a waste of time with an honest person. With a liar it's beyond crazy. He needs a lie detector test and he needs to be grateful you are giving him an opportunity to prove honesty after destroying credibility.

His sexual abuse... Dr H talks about this a lot and don't overcomplicate the issue in 'counselling'. It was a good experience for him and its something he enjoys. He has a weakness in this regard and you will always need to monitor it.

Recovery with a bisexual serial cheat is no joke. You'd have to be together 24/7 and not just monitor contact with women, but everyone.

Regardless, you need to separate and Plan B pretty much immediately given his appalling behaviour and abuse. You can decide what (if any) recovery conditions to give him from the safe place of Plan B.

Translation: tonight he is angry because I am not just accepting his lies. He is angry that I am posting and reading on a forum that is experienced with adultery and they are blowing his cover and threatening his secret second life.

Do get STD tested. This is not a new pattern of behaviour for him.

Honey, he invited a stranger to your house. Its physical.

Yea. Have you watched the movie Deer Hunter? Where Robert Dinero plays roulette with a loaded gun?

Are you fully aware that STDs can kill, blind, cause liver damage, etc?

Do you really want to take that chance?
A polygraph won't protect you either. You should see your doctor immediately for a full round of STD testing and refrain from sex until you know he is safe to have sex with.

I would not have any sex with him period. A condom helps but is not a guarantee. HIV is deadly. Even if he tests negative right now, what if he contracts it tomorrow or next week?

I have seen countless threads on here where someone says "we're having trouble but I'm 100% SURE my spouse is not having an affair" and the forum experts say "Sorry, but Yes, he/she is." And I think "They can't know that based on such little info." Then the betrayed spouse snoops and, um, yep they are having an affair.

Of the threads I've followed the accuracy rate of the forum is 100% so far.

Keep in mind - this is a MAN talking about having sex with other MEN. Men have a different motivation for sex than women. It's not as emotional. If he wants to do it he can easily find someone to do it with and who is going to put the brakes on? It's way too easy.

Condoms help against STD, but they don't protect your heart. What you are experiencing is "hysterical bonding" after you have been hurt by this new side of your husband you didn't know about. He is still lying to you. You should do some serious snooping or hire a PI.

Don't tell him you do not trust him or think there is more, but demend that he be tested for STD. A PCR-Test will show HIV with a window period of only a few days. Still, repeating is good.