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Originally Posted by happyheart
If you have no kids and hassles and are dating, an hour in between is probably more effective than in your situation.
The problem with an hour in the bedroom in the evening, is that you will be tired and probably will be sleeping together instead of "sleeping" together.

This is not fun time, like the time your husband spends celebrating with his team after they have won. Also, you will notice the clothes laying in the bedroom that have not been folded away, the kids will get up and do all sorts of things (I'm talking "mommy, why is the door locked, I want to a. pee, b. kiss good nigt, c. have you finish my paper for tomorrow, d. give me my school money, e. ask if I can see the end of Star Wars, just this time, f. ...).

It will probably not be a good environment where you can spend time connecting, laughing and talking about the good times, so that you (especially women need time to connect) will be in the best of moods to be romantically seduced. Instead, you will come to dread these sullen and tedious hours, locked up in the bedroom doing whatever you do in the bedroom.

I understand what you are saying and I would think if we were just sleeping or not interacting in any way that the time would not count. The only way I would think the time in the room would count was if we were talking / interacting or having sex. To be honest, most of the time now, he doesn't even come to bed with me, unless we basically already know that we are going to have sex. He typically ends up falling asleep on the couch before I go to bed, and then coming in the room a couple hours later.

I have asked him numerous times to come with me, and he says he doesn't do it on purpose, that he is just so exhausted....which I understand that he really is exhausted. I do get the point about their being clothes laying around, etc (other distractions).

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
It takes 15 hours to maintain the romantic love in a marriage and 20 hours to CREATE. If you can get in 4 - 4 hour dates per week while he maintains his job, then his job would work. The dates should be scheduled at a time when you both have the most energy in 2 to 4 hour blocks.

Can you do that?

No, we can't, not entirely out of the house anyway. It would be impossible for us as far as time and money is concerned.... So I am just supposed to give up? I know there has to be people who have overcome challenging situations before.

What are y'all suggesting, that I divorce him because he won't want to get a new job? Even if he did get a new job, I have been through that with him and he was miserable. He did that for "us" at the beginning of our marriage. He would only resent me for wanting him to quit doing something he is passionate about.

I wouldn't prescribe "quitting the job" as the solution. I would simply insist that this problem has to be solved, somehow - you need him to spend 15 hours per week with you, and if he wants to solve that by rearranging the schedule, changing jobs, or whatever, anything will work as long as it solves that problem. I'm sure he can come up with lots of options, but not if you don't insist that you have to have this from him.

Thank you. This seems much more reasonable. The way it was coming across to me was "he has to quit his job" which I know he won't do.

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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by happyheart
Also, since he is coming home after 8, why don't you have the children go to their rooms by 19:30, so you can have time for yourself, untill your husband comes home?

I can't do this because then the kids would never see their dad. That is not fair either. They don't stay up much after he gets home, but they are typically still up. The little one is sometimes in bed, if he has a longer than usual night.

They don't have to sleep rightaway, but if you like, you can get them used to playing in their room for x time in their pajamas after teeth brushing until your husband comes home to tell them their bedtime story/say good night etc. But it is less hectic than when you still have to get them ready. Also, it is fair for the children to get at least 12 hours of sleep as they will be less tired during the day and in the morning.

Of course I do not live in your home, it is just my experience with my 5 children.


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I understand what you are saying and I would think if we were just sleeping or not interacting in any way that the time would not count. The only way I would think the time in the room would count was if we were talking / interacting or having sex. To be honest, most of the time now, he doesn't even come to bed with me, unless we basically already know that we are going to have sex. He typically ends up falling asleep on the couch before I go to bed, and then coming in the room a couple hours later.

I have asked him numerous times to come with me, and he says he doesn't do it on purpose, that he is just so exhausted....which I understand that he really is exhausted. I do get the point about their being clothes laying around, etc (other distractions).
UA time at home is definitely not going to work for you.


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Originally Posted by JBKT16
I understand what you are saying and I would think if we were just sleeping or not interacting in any way that the time would not count. The only way I would think the time in the room would count was if we were talking / interacting or having sex. To be honest, most of the time now, he doesn't even come to bed with me, unless we basically already know that we are going to have sex. He typically ends up falling asleep on the couch before I go to bed, and then coming in the room a couple hours later.

I have asked him numerous times to come with me, and he says he doesn't do it on purpose, that he is just so exhausted....which I understand that he really is exhausted. I do get the point about their being clothes laying around, etc (other distractions).

That is exactly what you are up against.


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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by markos
I wouldn't prescribe "quitting the job" as the solution. I would simply insist that this problem has to be solved, somehow - you need him to spend 15 hours per week with you, and if he wants to solve that by rearranging the schedule, changing jobs, or whatever, anything will work as long as it solves that problem. I'm sure he can come up with lots of options, but not if you don't insist that you have to have this from him.

Thank you. This seems much more reasonable. The way it was coming across to me was "he has to quit his job" which I know he won't do.

That may well be what he finally decides to do. The important thing is that you need to insist that you need his undivided attention outside of your home for fifteen hours a week. Don't roll over, give up, stop talking about it, etc. Bring this problem up frequently, keep it on the front burner, until it is addressed.

Last edited by markos; 05/18/15 01:14 PM.

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Originally Posted by happyheart
Oh my,

I just read about the unlimited hours a person can work in Texas. And I thought 42 hours was bad (considering normal work week was 36-38 where I used to live...). Here, regular days over 10 hours are illegal...

Well except for emigration, you have to find the time to have fun with your husband. Much of this time, should be spent in blocks of 2-4 hours.

Wednesday:
You could go out with him right after work, if he is ready 17:30 and spend 3 hours relaxing and having fun together.

Saturday: you have 8 hours of time between 13:00 and 21:00 where you can put in 4 hours family time and 4 hours UA time.

Sunday, you also have 12 waking hours and can put in family and UA time.

On 1-2 of the other days, you could have lunch with him, if possible in private, since you are working at the same school.

The thing is, though, that
1. it is very hard to have an integrated life, if your husband is spending so much time away from the family.
2. if anything unexpected comes up, and it always does, you don't have 15 hours and will be stressed because there is no redundance in your schedule.

Is it an option to attend some of the games with him, not to spend time with him during the game, but you could explore the town and drive home with him.
It is dangerous for him to have so much time without you, especially since he is probably mixing with young people who do all kinds of not-marriage-compatible things, like partying with cheerleaders etc.

Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. I have often thought that we should make Wednesday night our "weekly date night", I think that might could work.

The lunch idea is good. Right now we do actually eat lunch together, but not alone. We eat in the teacher's lounge with everyone. Maybe if we just scheduled 2 days a week where we ate alone. That would get us one more hour (out of the house). It wouldn't necessarily be "fun" but it would let allow us some conversation....

Thanks again for the thoughtful reply. And yes the hours are ridiculous, and this is the LEAST hours he has ever had to work. At the two schools he worked at during the first 10 years of our marriage. He honestly worked 7 days a week. Many coaches have figured their salaries to be less than a $ per hour, if all time is considered.

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Originally Posted by JBKT16
I understand what you are saying and I would think if we were just sleeping or not interacting in any way that the time would not count. The only way I would think the time in the room would count was if we were talking / interacting or having sex. To be honest, most of the time now, he doesn't even come to bed with me, unless we basically already know that we are going to have sex. He typically ends up falling asleep on the couch before I go to bed, and then coming in the room a couple hours later.

I have asked him numerous times to come with me, and he says he doesn't do it on purpose, that he is just so exhausted....which I understand that he really is exhausted. I do get the point about their being clothes laying around, etc (other distractions).

That's exactly why Dr. Harley says UA time at home doesn't work. Most husbands will be too tired, too distracted, etc. Going out on a date is energizing. Sitting down together at home is not.

This is what I posted before and it comes from talking directly to Dr. Harley about it:

Quote
UA time at home will not work because he will ignore her. He will not give her his undivided attention. He will divide his attention between her and things at home. Even if the children are asleep.

No woman who is having trouble getting her husband to do UA should be encouraged to do UA at home.


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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Thanks again for the thoughtful reply. And yes the hours are ridiculous, and this is the LEAST hours he has ever had to work.

Dr. Harley has never had a man lose his job from telling their employer that their wife has to come first.

Last edited by markos; 05/18/15 01:16 PM.

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The lunch idea is good. Right now we do actually eat lunch together, but not alone. We eat in the teacher's lounge with everyone. Maybe if we just scheduled 2 days a week where we ate alone. That would get us one more hour (out of the house). It wouldn't necessarily be "fun" but it would let allow us some conversation....
Do not count this time as UA unless it is fun and at least 2 hours alone. Squeezing an hour in here and there to make a check on the list will not work. You need to schedule everything else around your marriage, not the other way around.

It needs to be the highlight of your week.


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Originally Posted by happyheart
Is it an option to attend some of the games with him, not to spend time with him during the game, but you could explore the town and drive home with him.
It is dangerous for him to have so much time without you, especially since he is probably mixing with young people who do all kinds of not-marriage-compatible things, like partying with cheerleaders etc.

I do go to many of his games. All his homes games really. I bring the kids as well, that is another way I attempt to allow him to see the kids and for them to see him. But there is no possible alone time at a game, so I would assume that doesn't count, plus he has responsibilities even after the game is over. If it is a home game they have to fix the field, make sure the kids are picked up, lock up the locker rooms and fields, etc. If it is an away game then majority of the time he is the bus driver. Most schools have quit hiring bus drivers and forced the coaches to get their CDL, so they can make them drive without having to spend the money of a bus driver. This has been the same at all 3 districts we have been in. Some of the other coaches have health issues that permit them from driving....

As for the spending time with the young people. I don't think they have any influence on him or have any negative impact on our marriage. He is really good about not engaging them in any conversations about drinking, partying etc. Some of the other coaches are not so great about this. If anything he tries to encourage them against making bad decisions.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
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The lunch idea is good. Right now we do actually eat lunch together, but not alone. We eat in the teacher's lounge with everyone. Maybe if we just scheduled 2 days a week where we ate alone. That would get us one more hour (out of the house). It wouldn't necessarily be "fun" but it would let allow us some conversation....
Do not count this time as UA unless it is fun and at least 2 hours alone. Squeezing an hour in here and there to make a check on the list will not work. You need to schedule everything else around your marriage, not the other way around.

It needs to be the highlight of your week.

Ok, the reason I thought this might count is because "conversation" is one of my biggest needs. So if it was an opportunity to meet a need, I thought it might count. I am just trying to get creative, because obviously our schedule doesn't make for a lot of options.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Thanks again for the thoughtful reply. And yes the hours are ridiculous, and this is the LEAST hours he has ever had to work.

Dr. Harley has never had a man lose his job from telling their employer that their wife has to come first.

If my husband had to leave practice or a game for me once, then no he would not lose his job. If he said, "coach once a week my wife and I are going to go out and I will have to leave mid-way through practice", then yes he would absolutely lose his job. None of the head coach's he has had would have accepted anything like that.

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Don't make it easy for him to squeeze in a bit here and there - insist that he needs to put you and your marriage first. You won't help him by accepting less from him.


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because obviously our schedule doesn't make for a lot of options.
The two of you will probably need to brainstorm ways to change your schedule.


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Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Thanks again for the thoughtful reply. And yes the hours are ridiculous, and this is the LEAST hours he has ever had to work.

Dr. Harley has never had a man lose his job from telling their employer that their wife has to come first.

If my husband had to leave practice or a game for me once, then no he would not lose his job. If he said, "coach once a week my wife and I are going to go out and I will have to leave mid-way through practice", then yes he would absolutely lose his job. None of the head coach's he has had would have accepted anything like that.

Dr. Harley's never had it happen with any of the men he's worked with.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

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Originally Posted by happyheart
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by happyheart
Also, since he is coming home after 8, why don't you have the children go to their rooms by 19:30, so you can have time for yourself, untill your husband comes home?

I can't do this because then the kids would never see their dad. That is not fair either. They don't stay up much after he gets home, but they are typically still up. The little one is sometimes in bed, if he has a longer than usual night.

They don't have to sleep rightaway, but if you like, you can get them used to playing in their room for x time in their pajamas after teeth brushing until your husband comes home to tell them their bedtime story/say good night etc. But it is less hectic than when you still have to get them ready. Also, it is fair for the children to get at least 12 hours of sleep as they will be less tired during the day and in the morning.

Of course I do not live in your home, it is just my experience with my 5 children.

I agree about the kids needing a lot of sleep. They don't go to bed that late, the little one is in bed before 8 (usually 7:45) and the oldest goes to bed at 8:30 (sometimes it is closer to 9). I always have the little one ready for bed already when he gets home. Basically he says hi and we head to the bed. The oldest usually plays with him for a bit then we head to bed. But he can basically get himself ready for bed.

Also, they both take great naps so they get additional sleep there also. I have a feeling bed time will need to be bumped up for the 5 year old next year when he starts kinder, he is still used to taking 2 hour naps everyday and I know he will not get that opportunity next year.

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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by JBKT16
Thanks again for the thoughtful reply. And yes the hours are ridiculous, and this is the LEAST hours he has ever had to work.

Dr. Harley has never had a man lose his job from telling their employer that their wife has to come first.

If my husband had to leave practice or a game for me once, then no he would not lose his job. If he said, "coach once a week my wife and I are going to go out and I will have to leave mid-way through practice", then yes he would absolutely lose his job. None of the head coach's he has had would have accepted anything like that.

Dr. Harley's never had it happen with any of the men he's worked with.

The previous coach (head football coach) he worked for (who was by far the most demanding that he has ever had) required them to work Saturdays all through the year, even when it wasn't football season. He expected them to be available for their outside fundraisers, 7 on 7 games (that were not even school related), etc.

And yes, he ran off numerous coaches that were not willing to work everything that he expected them to. Coaching is so different than other positions. They have to have good reasons to get rid of you in a normal job, including teaching, but in Texas, the football coach seems to be able to hire or get rid of anyone he pleases no matter what. That is why when a new coach is hired, the old staff (not just the head coach) is usually all let go no matter if they had done anything wrong or not.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
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because obviously our schedule doesn't make for a lot of options.
The two of you will probably need to brainstorm ways to change your schedule.

I agree. It will take us getting creative.

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In the long run, is coaching the right thing for him? Because you make it sound like a lot of work with little pay-off. Or is it possible for him to start something on his own?


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