Was not trying to make excuses. Just wanted to hear some personal experiences of how people have overcome their spouse not wanting to do it. But no one will share that.

I'm sorry you are ready to give up....isn't their a learning curve for everyone? I can't imagine everyone comes here and instantly implements the program perfectly.

Could you give me advice on how to handle what happened last night when I was hoping for some family time, and he had a million other things to do, and then I end up coming across as the nagging wife?

Point taken.

Show me WHERE you have ever asked me that???


Deflecting and making excuses is not "learning."


Hope is not a plan. But we have already told you that. We have told you to SCHEDULE your dates. Was this a SCHEDULED DATE?

oh, and it is NOT TRUE that we have not told you how to get him on board. I posted this to you on Sunday. YOU STILL HAVE NOT FOLLOWED THE ADVICE!

I asked earlier to share how you got your spouses on board. Everyone gets their spouse on board by having them talk to Dr H?

You're right, making excuses is not learning. You are also right that hope is not a plan. We had committed to sitting down Sunday night and making a plan for the week. We both thought this was a great idea. But then we were throwing up. Obviously we didn't purposely get sick just to avoid following through, but once again we didn't.

I thought since we didn't do it Sunday, by default we would try to Monday, but he doesn't think like that. Making anything happen will definitely depend on me.

So if something is not planned out, what are the expectations? If we planned a date one night, but the next night is open. Do I expect him to be tuned out all night? If nothing is "planned" does it let him off the hook for spending time with us? I am asking for suggestions here, if you are still willing to give them.

And I have told you how to get him on board. You have endless excuses why you can't do that.


Plan out your week and that way you are not disappointed.

However, I don't understand what you are doing since you have told us that 4 4 hour dates are impossible. What would be the point of this exercise if the goal is impossible?

My last suggestion is to read the thread again [and your old one] and decide if YOU are serious. Because I don't see a serious person here. I see a person who wants magic but is not willing to take any of the steps that would affect change. All of the answers are on this thread if you decide to take them. Good luck....

Not at all. Anger or dismissal is a temporary thing, it's nothing. Conflict avoidance however is infinite. It's not all hope is lost if you don't get immediate agreement it's all hope is lost if nothing changes. You have nothing to lose.

The main problem here is you are too timid. It's common for men to think their wives are being overly dramatic - but only if she is not making a huge deal.

Not angrily, but cheerfully and persistently.

You know, if you haven't read "buyers, renters, and freeloaders," you really should.


You need to make a plan. What you will do, how you will respond to his disrespect. You shouldn't tolerate someone treating you so disrespectfully. As long as you are willing to put up with it, it will continue. You seem to have mistaken what marriage builders is. It is not about staying together no matter what. It is about creating a great marriage.

If that is not your goal, this is not the best place for you.

If it is your goal, you need to start taking action.

We went through this. Same age as you, and our kids are same age.

In late 2011, we had a two year old, and I was pregnant. Replace football/independent life with video games.

I told him I would make plans to SEPARATE unless he was willing to make us a priority. And I was dead serious.

That, JBKT, is rock bottom. And it was transforming, as we made marriage #1. We even relocated and changed careers. When your marriage is #1, nothing else matters as much. I make $15/hour BELOW my "market value" - don't care. Hubby passes promotions - don't care. We are happy!

I was serious. Are you? Because he knows you aren't that serious.

Thank you, I honestly don't want it to come to this, but I know it could. I have a couple times, when things got really bad, told him I was going to leave. He threatened to take the kids from me, says his family has more money and would hire better lawyers....

I think he also knows that there is no way financially for either of us to be able to be on our own. He also knows I don't want that for a lot of reasons. I think that is part of why he doesn't take my complaints seriously.

Why would he need a real threat of me leaving before he got serious....wouldn't you want it never to get to that point? I was very close once, to the point where I drove to his parents house and told them everything that had been going on. They came over and talked to him and helped us talk. I was desperate and didn't know what to do other than leave.

Did the thought of you leaving instantly get him on board? Thanks for sharing your story.

I am serious, and I have read the thread back a couple of times now. I see that I was not serious during the first thread, honestly I didn't even know about the program during the first thread. I was just looking for feedback.

We went to lunch together today and he actually brought it up. I think he is starting to see I am serious. We began to plan out the rest of our week, but had to quit when the bell rang. Maybe this is a start. I re-emphasized that from now on we need to plan the week on Sunday night. He agreed.

I was in such a state of withdrawl that my emotionless, serious, statement couldn't be taken as anything to mess with.

Plus, my husband was a good husband who allowed bad habits to form. It required a head-shaking to realize was happened. BTW, not all spouses will come on board. Some are not interested in extraordinary care.

Being serious is evidenced by action steps and that has not happened. I see no evidence that you are serious. Planning the week on Sunday won't matter if you can't find time for the 15+ hours.

What happened to the lady in the article we posted? [When to Call it Quits]

What happened to alis?

I understand that taking those steps (separating) works and that they will get serious or it will be over. I just thought that would be a last resort. How do you know when you are to that point? When it couldn't be solved without making such a dramatic change to the kids lives.

Step 1:



Step 2a:


Example Given:


Step 2b:

Plan A

Example Given:


Step 3:

Plan B

Example Given:

Fightthefight, thanks for laying it out so succinctly. In addition to the extra resources mentioned above, you should consult with Dr. Harley and ask him to help you persuade your husband.

Husband had a sales job that made good money but he was unhappy, which made the family unhappy.

Now he has his dream coaching jub, he apperently loves, although he does not seem happy from what you tell about him, rather exhausted. The job pays less than his sales job, has worse hours and takes him away from the family and from his wife, which makes you unhappy.

The only upside is, that he was in a worse mood in his former job. When he is in a bad mood he makes the entire family unhappy.

There must be an alternative that accomodates having a family life and makes you AND him AND the children AND MAYBE his family happy.
If he has no time to care for sick relatives, he has no time. Nobody can magically make the day have more hours
(trust me, if it could happen, I would have found a way).

If a job is so time-consuming and exhausting, there must be compensation in the form of pay, so that a person can pay another human being to do the things he cannot do during the time spent working (like hunting for food, mowing the lawn, caring for the sick).

If the pay-off is not there and the work is making the person happy, but not worth it in pay, it is not called a job, it is called a hobby.