Hi Everyone,

I am new to the forum, but have been reading and trying to do MB for about 2 years now.

My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years, together for 5. This is my first marriage, his 2nd. No children from his first marriage,or our marriage.

My "issue" I guess, is a total lack of intimacy in our relationship. In the beginning of our relationship and marriage we were pretty hot and heavy, it was, in my opinion, very fulfilling. We have now not been intimate for 2 years, and I feel like it's destroying me. I have addressed it over and over with my husband and tried to explain to him that this is a true EN for me, and while I do appreciate the other things he does for me and us, they are not making me feel loved.

He is good at the little things, buying me things at the grocery store he knows I like but won't splurge on myself, warms up my car when it's cold out and the like, but it's just not doing it for me. I need affection and romance, and SF, of which I am getting none.

I feel that I am meeting his needs, but he is not really trying to meet mine. His needs center more domestic support. I know for him things like not helping with laundry, or leaving dishes in the sink, and things like that are love busters, so I do my very best to not do those things. I actually do most of our dishes by hand now because he doesn't like them to sit in the dishwasher, I do laundry, I try to grocery shop more efficiently so he doesn't have to go to the store, and so on. I know that he appreciates these things, and I know they make him feel loved.

He also has a need for recreational companionship, although he seems to forget that it's a need for him. Often, if we go out and do something together, even just going to to mall for something we need, and getting some coffee on the way home, he will tell me later that "today was nice". So again, I know this is a need for him, and I know, when he lets me, I am meeting that need.

I'm not sure what is preventing him from meeting my needs. We have talked about it so many times I can't even count them anymore. Every time we talk he tells me he is trying to meet my needs, and he doesn't understand why I don't believe that he loves me. I repeatedly tell him it's not that I "think" he doesn't love me. I know he loves me, but, I don't need to "think it" I need to be able to feel it, and words frankly don't make me feel much at this point. One of the issues I believe, is he doesn't understand how something that is a need for him and makes him feel loved when it's met, can do absolutely nothing for me. He will cleaning the house while I'm at work, go grocery shopping, etc, and think that that should make me feel loved. In reality at this point all it does is make me sad, because he can put so much effort in to the house and what he "thinks" will make me feel good, instead of doing what I tell him I actually need.

Before all the questions are asked... No he is not having an affair. I have access to his phone, phone records, email, computers do not have passwords. I do have some concerns about pornography, although he assures me I'm wrong (which honestly I interpret as a bit of gas lighting on his part). I also have some concern about his testosterone levels, but he will not take any action to have physical issues checked. He claims to me that he will and then just never does...He has also been depressed off and on for the last 2 years. He was on prozac for a while, which I know can cause issues with SD, but, it has been quite a while since he was on it. I would very much like for him to go back to the doctor and get back on some type of AD, as I do still feel he is depressed and think that may also be causing issues with his desire.

I guess I'm just wondering, given he is depressed, and not having an affair, how to effectively address what the lack of intimacy is doing to me? I've tried expressing to him that he is my one and only, I waited a long time to find the man I was going to be with physically and I think that makes is more important to me than many people. I understand that we may have different drives, and that's fine, I can handle intimacy being a little less frequent that I would actually like, but I can't take a total lack...It makes me feel so unloved and undervalued. I didn't get married to live with someone, I got married to have a partner to share every aspect of my life with including intimate relations.

Any thoughts?

Welcome to MB.

What does your husband say when you ask him why he does not have sex with you?

He says that he wants to. I then ask well then why don't we? He says that he is just stressed out over his job all the time, and he doesn't really want to do anything.

He Hates his job with a capital H and he is also very obsessive, so when there is something he see's as stressful, it is allllll he thinks about. I tell him almost daily that it is fine if he hates his job, I have no issue with him changing jobs, I have no issue with us moving so he can get a better job. I am willing to do just about anything he needs to fix his job issue...but...his job cannot be our life. Him hating is job can't control what goes on in our home 24/7.

I have also tried to remind him that the things I am asking him to do to meet my needs, he actually likes too. I know that he likes sex. I know that he likes when he go out and do things together, and I know when we do those things he actually feels better about life in general for a while, but it's like all he can see is he's unhappy about x so nothing else matters, and it is so hard to get him to do the things that I know will help him AND us

Thank you for your reply. What happened in his life when the picture changed from "hot and heavy" to nothing, two years ago?

I'd rule out porn. Doesn't sound like an affair, but could well be porn. What snooping do you have in place?

Honestly? I'm not sure. Nothing has really changed in our situation except that he got depressed. I have the same job and schedule, we are in the same financial situation for the most part. We did start trying to get pregnant for a couple of months a few years back, but honestly before the intimacy disappeared totally it wasn't frequent enough to get pregnant. We only tried a couple of months. He was already unhappy with his job then, although it was a different job in the same field. I truly can't pinpoint anything that has changed except his depression and obsessive tendencies.

Indiegirl, I do think porn may have been a problem that started the lack, but I don't think he is looking at it now. I have a keylogger on our computers, it hasn't caught anything that looks like porn to me. But, I do know that he likes to watch video's on youtube, and I know that if you type in the wrong thing that can lead to porn...
Lets say it is porn, what do I do then? He and I have talked about it, although not in depth or repeatedly, and he insists that he is not looking at porn.

which, btw, I know they all insist they are not looking at porn even when they are...I'm not saying it's not possible, I just don't know what to do even if that's the real problem...

dwm,

How and why did his first marriage end?

Was there a similar issue?

Does your H lie about trivial things?

Gamma

Gamma, no it was not a similar issue. She was mentally ill and emotionally abusive. She used to threaten to divorce him, tell him he was a horrible person and that type of thing. Basically in his opinion he left her before she could leave him. She was in school and repeatedly told him that she would be leaving him when she was done with school and got a job.

um, you know, lie about trivial things? I would say sometimes, yes.

I am in no place to give advice on marriage (I am here for help also), but before I even read to the "testosterone" part of your post, I was thinking "he should have his testosterone checked....

A few years ago our intimacy just fell off. At the time our marriage was not perfect but much better than it is today. I continued to complain and he just couldn't explain it.

Finally he asked the dr (on his own, I had not even thought it could be medical) and sure enough he had VERY low levels. Now he is on it, and our sex life is the only thing that is still good in our marriage.

Just thought I would share, in case it could help.

Thanks JB, I'm very suspicious that it is a real issue for him. I know that his brother takes replacement therapy, and I know his dad had/has ED issues. That is one of the reason I suggested it to him. At the time, he was between jobs and did not have insurance, but he has now had insurance for about 3 months and still hasn't had it checked. Maybe I should gentle float that idea past him again...

dwm,

For all I know your H is a decent person however his behavior raises a red flag.

How do you know you believe about the exW? Is it something your H told you?

The thing is that it is very common for adulterers to rewrite history concerning their marriage to make themselves look like the victim.

I presume you did not get involved with your H until after his divorce was final.

Gamma

Oh no, it's all true about his ex, his whole family has talked to me about it. He didn't rewrite history at all. He takes his share of blame for issues in his first marriage, after a while he basically just gave up on it. the first few years they were married he was in the Navy and aware for 6-7 months at a time, he knows that caused a lot of damage, especially since it was when the marriage was new. But, everything he has told me about her I have heard from his family and friends, not just him, and she was truly mentally ill, I have found old pill bottles that used to contain anti-psychotic to back that up.

Yes, we were not involved until he was divorced.

He is genuinely a good guy, and I think he is trying to make me happy, he just isn't doing it in the way I need him to.
EDIT it's not that he does nothing, I mean he has texted me from work 4 times already this morning to say "kiss" which is our short hand for "I love you" when we can't really type. that does make me feel thought about, and cared for, it's really just the romance that I'm missing. Do we have other issues that come up? Sure we do, but we talk through them and decide together what to do about them.

What is suspicious for me is that he has such a resistance to doing something about this. What young man thinks it's okay not to have sex with his wife for two years, in a 3 year marriage?

You are very upset about this, and your husband is not taking that seriously. That is unacceptable. It is unacceptable for a spouse to ignore ANY complaint that is voiced.

It could be that his depression in itself is causing this problem. Your husband seems to have quite a serious case of depression, and I suggest you get the continuing depression investigated - quite apart from the lack of interest in sex. I think you said that he is already on medication, but it does not seem to be working well.

Then again, the medication itself could be the issue, so for that reason it should be checked.

It could be his testosterone, and that should be checked.

What you must not do is continue to tiptoe around this subject, "gently floating it past him" every now and again. You must not make demands or have angry outbursts, but you DO need to tell your husband clearly that you would like him to go to his doctor and have his problems with depression, medication and lack of interest in sex examined. Keep the issue on the front burner for a month, and do not give up talking about it until an appointment has been booked and kept. If possible, go with him to that.

The issues you raised in your first post, about domestic support etc, really have nothing to do with this need. Sexual fulfilment is an important intimate need in marriage, and nobody has the right to expect that they can be married and simply refuse to work on meeting this need. If your H is effectively ill or disabled, then that's different, but until and unless a doctor says that this the case, your H should wish to have sex with his wife. If he really doesn't, for reasons of pornography or because he won't get his mental or physical issues addressed, you need to separate from him.

Do you spend at least 15 hours per week out of the house, on dates, just you and him? What do you do on your dates?

No we do not spend that much time out of the house, because it is so hard to get him out of the house to do anything.

Sunday for example, H had been saying all week that he wanted to "go for a drive" which means go somewhere walk around, get some coffee etc., which we both enjoy doing. Sunday came and he sat on the couch like a log until I asked him no less then 5 times if we were actually going to go somewhere. We eventually got in the car and drove to a mall we hadn't previously been to, and he didn't really know where it was but he had looked it up on the internet. That tells me he actually was thinking we should go for a drive, he did something about figuring out what/where, but then he couldn't get himself off the couch to do it until I pushed him.
That's what I mean when I say he forgets what makes him feel better about life. He likes to do those things, he wants to do them enough that he puts planning in to it, but unless I push, they don't happen.

Okay, but what is your response to my previous post?

Mine was very embarrassed about the issue at first, like it made him less of a man, but now he won't miss a shot at all. It gives him more energy as well. If he honestly does have a medical issue, then there could be an easy fix that the sexual part of the problem.

I honestly thought mine might be cheating because of his disinterest. He was not, and I immediately saw the difference after going on the injections.

oh sorry didn't see that one. I agree. I need to be more forceful with him taking the steps to figure out what is going on, and I agree with ignoring my complaints is unacceptable.

My concern is this, lets say the real problem is his testosterone level and depression, if I leave, what is going to happen to him? His family will NOT step up and get him help, I have already seen this first hand. They ignore the issues, they pretend that as long as he is going to work, everything is fine and he is just "different" now. I mean, I've heard his mother say as much. I have spent countless phone calls with his mom hearing "he seems fine to me!" from his dad I get "If you need anything let us know" but then they aren't there when I actually need support. and from the whole slew of them I get "he's an adult, I can't force him to do things" all of which I find to be total bs.
I guess I really do believe that his depression is a big part of the problem, and I see depression just like any physical illness. If he had cancer for the last 2 years I would think leaving him because of the lack of meeting my need for SF would be the wrong thing to do.