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How do you get closure? BY CLOSING THE DOOR.
NC letter
Change phone number
Block social media
That CLOSES off the A.
Getting together for one last kiss and cuddle, sobs on the shoulder before swapping special burner phones?
That will close off the A?
Do me a favour. Wake up!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You should tell the OW to go straight to hell. I couldn't agree more with this. This is what a loving wife does. What an uncaring message you send when not only is this little love-in ok with you - but you want to go watch!!!! Are you seriously set to pretend you are that unfeeling? They will take that opportunity to demonise you and run with it. Tell him it hurts you and that a woman in love would NEVER EVER EVER in a million years agree to go watch him have a date with another woman and sob about their lost love for each other. Speechless right now.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So has the exposure to the kids happened yet?
Doesn't sound like it if tom-fool closure ideas are still being bandied around. One last date with the mistress should be poleaxed in favour of apologising to and comforting his kids.
You MUST expose to keep an open and honest communication open between the kids and their SOLE trustworthy parent - you. They very often already know a lot more than the BS because he, an addict to the A, is less careful about his moods/contacting his mistress around children.
Tell them swiftly without your husband being there and tell them you love their dad and you want to stay married to him. Explain this is why you have been so upset and you hope they were nto scared or confused and they can tell you anything. Tell them they can also talk to their dad about anything and encourage them to bug him. It empowers them.
When you tell your husband tell him you expect an immediate promise to you and to his children not to contact OW again if he is committed to the family. I would ask for his phone there and then and tell him to get to work on the NC letter.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Excellent points! No meeting under any curcumstances! Thank you all for setting me straight on this one. I am reading every last post and thank you for them. Just trying to give you all the play by play as it goes down...it's all happening in real time which is frwaking me out.
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Whew! I was gone all day and choked on my coffee when I read the previous posts. Good job tracygrace! Yep we remember being freaked out, it's tough to think straight during this, but you're doing great at keeping us posted and then we can point things out. Here is what Dr. Harley says on the matter: How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. (excerpt from this link: Coping with Infidelity Part 2 )
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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I like the letter idea and had read about it months ago when I started reading the web site (before I knew they had sex and thought it was a stolen kiss only). I think deep down, wayyyy deep down I knew they slept together. I knew it. That is why I kept asking him to reconfirm his lie that they had not...finally he hesitated too long after I aksed over the phone yesterday and out it came. I sent an email to her about 30 minutes ago and felt great about it! Very strongly worded with all of your suggestions. Very strongly worded. Her father is a divorce lawyer so I know she is being coached so I was sure not to threaten her or give her any legal ammunition against me. However, it was serious, strong and final. Very final. I blind copied my husband (who is still in Germany) and told the OW husband that no meeting would be tolerated. Everyone now knows my final thoughts on all of this and that any attempt by either to communicate would be a decision to end the marriage. Final.
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Excellent points! No meeting under any curcumstances! Thank you all for setting me straight on this one. I am reading every last post and thank you for them. Just trying to give you all the play by play as it goes down...it's all happening in real time which is frwaking me out. Tracy, I am glad to hear you are reading our posts, but we need you to follow the advice and start implementing your plan. They don't have a plan and will only distract you from what you need to do. Did you read and follow our advice on exposure? Did you read and follow our advice about extraordinary precautions? Did you read our advice about how recovery will be impossible if you continue to live in the same community as the OW? Did you read our advice that recovery will be impossible if your husband continues in his traveling job? I am getting very alarmed that you are not following the advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Reposting: Here is what it will take: nothing less:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, I read the plan and I have a plan. They dont live in our community and they are moving anyway (OW's husband told me yesterday). My husband is working on a new job as we speak (actually he has for a bit since the travel is too much for him too). The rest is in process. Dont be alarmed. I am not a fool (anymore). I will protect myself and my kids at all costs.
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Excellent points! No meeting under any curcumstances! Thank you all for setting me straight on this one. I am reading every last post and thank you for them. Just trying to give you all the play by play as it goes down...it's all happening in real time which is frwaking me out. Tracy, I am glad to hear you are reading our posts, but we need you to follow the advice and start implementing your plan. They don't have a plan and will only distract you from what you need to do. Did you read and follow our advice on exposure? Did you read and follow our advice about extraordinary precautions? Did you read our advice about how recovery will be impossible if you continue to live in the same community as the OW? Did you read our advice that recovery will be impossible if your husband continues in his traveling job? I am getting very alarmed that you are not following the advice. Tracy, tell us specifically what has been done here. One by one. Start with this post I.e. tell us who has been exposed to and reaction. We've heard nothing from you on a lot of these points. I've seen many promising recoveries fail just because ONE detail is missed. This plan only works as an exact recipe. Dr H says 'recovery is a narrow path and even slight deviations are usually disastrous'. Yes, I read the plan and I have a plan. They dont live in our community and they are moving anyway (OW's husband told me yesterday). My husband is working on a new job as we speak (actually he has for a bit since the travel is too much for him too). The rest is in process. Dont be alarmed. I am not a fool (anymore). I will protect myself and my kids at all costs. It's not a case of being a fool. You're a newcomer to a very counterintuitive process. Let's just checklist the process OK?
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/21/15 04:39 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yes, I read the plan and I have a plan. They dont live in our community and they are moving anyway (OW's husband told me yesterday). My husband is working on a new job as we speak (actually he has for a bit since the travel is too much for him too). The rest is in process. Dont be alarmed. I am not a fool (anymore). I will protect myself and my kids at all costs. What about exposure steps? Has that been done? What has been done on the list?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This affair revelation is 24 hours old. My husband is in Germany and I am alone with 2 small children and helping my 85 year old Mom move into a new house. I appreciate all of the wonderful advise I have gotten here. I will go through the check list one by one (some are already done) but I do not feel that I have to list each one and how I am doing it on this forum. Again, I have had this info for 24 hours and my husband wont be home until late next week. Encouraging words help so thank you to those who have given them. I will spend tonight rereading the web site and understanding exactly how this all works.
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Tracy, your husband may not be home for a week, but in a week the A will be a week more embedded.
You do not seem to appreciate that this is a fast moving house fire and the faster you act the more you save. We are talking a few days tops to safeguard your future. Relax afterwards.
Your children don't prevent any of this since they need exposure too.
You should not put off exposure. Can you tell us about that at least?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Your mother's house is going nowhere. Yours is on fire.
I am sure your mother is more concerned about you than her house.
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/21/15 06:34 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Tracy,
Actually it's not been 24 hours your wrote
At first they were caught kissing by her husband and they only addmitted to that. 5 months later he hesitated when I joked they may have slept together and then admitted it.
I don't know about you but kissing is an affair, I know waywards will try to pass off kissing as nothing, but really it's one of the most intimate acts possible.
My W got very mad at me when I said kissing was an affair, but many would give anything to have their spouse kiss them with real feeling.
Do not allow your WH to charm you into submission, I sense that your WH is charismatic and possibly manipulative.
The other thing to prepare for is that this friend of 10 years may have been involved with your WH for much longer than they admit to, so please get a polygraph and do not allow your WH to cherry pick the questions.
Your children need to know that "Auntie whomever" was out to destroy their family!
Do not have relations with your WH until he has passed a full STD test and give a few months for things which don't show like HPV to clear. You don't know what he is going to do in Germany with no one watching!
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 05/21/15 07:19 PM.
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This affair revelation is 24 hours old. My husband is in Germany and I am alone with 2 small children and helping my 85 year old Mom move into a new house. I appreciate all of the wonderful advise I have gotten here. I will go through the check list one by one (some are already done) but I do not feel that I have to list each one and how I am doing it on this forum. Yes, you do have to tell us if you expect us to be able to help you. We can't help you if we don't know what steps you have taken. We are all volunteers with very busy lives. I have a full time career, a busy marriage and very little time to help others on this board. You came here asking us for help, after all. I surely don't have time to waste posting to someone who won't answer and respond. It is your marriage that is in trouble, so if you can't find the time to post and tell us what you have done, then why should we sacrifice our own valuable time? You will need to let us know where you stand on the checklist if you expect to get help here. We can't help you through this plan if we don't know where you are in the plan or if you are even taking the advice. And you surely can't be helped if you won't take the advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You should not put off exposure. Can you tell us about that at least? Say what?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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but I do not feel that I have to list each one and how I am doing it on this forum Well then I guess you have it all figured out. 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I just found out that my husband slept with my best friend of 10 years. At first they were caught kissing by her husband and they only addmitted to that. 5 months later... Yes, he (the BH) knew (that WH and OW had sex) a few weeks ago  And stuff like this ^^^is exactly why exposure needs to happen and ASAP. Five months ago, this affair could have be destroyed had OWH exposed the affair. The way I am reading this is even after OWH knew about the sex (weeks ago), that he still didn't expose and the only reason you know now about the sex is because WH admitted to it yesterday. Is that correct? If that is what has happened this should illustrate to you why exposure should not be delayed...more damage has been done. Welcome to MB
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I am alone with 2 small children and helping my 85 year old Mom move into a new house. I would imagine that your mother has seen many things in her 85 years and a cheating husband is probably by far not the worst. Did she teach you that it is okay to deceive people by telling them only what YOU think they can handle? Your mothers trust is not an entitlement and your mother should be upset with your WH. The same for everyone else. It is a good thing and your WH needs to hear that from people of influence in his life. I think I would be shocked and hurt if I found that my own daughter did not come to me when she was facing such a devastating time in her life... but instead let me believe a deception. People can handle the truth. It is lies and deception that hurt the most...but you already know that. You need her support. If your WH decides to commit to the marriage and turn himself around, then he will be able to redeem himself and EARN back trust.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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