Remark-
The way you stated that could be interpreted as very disrespectful. It is not clear if you are referring to your own lovebusters or your wife's. It is not clear if you are lecturing her about being ungodly or throwing your hands up as a martyr saying that �only God� could save this. Either thing would be disrespectful, and you need to stop talking in passive voice because it can appear to be a way to hide your disrespectful judgments.


Here is just an quick sample of an alternative idea:

�I am sorry that I didn't take care of my wife like I should have and like she needed. I can see now why she is hurting. I pray to God that I can learn to stop my bad habits and show my wife that I do love her and care about her with my words AND actions. It is NOT the money which is motivating me, otherwise I would be in court fighting. I Want to care for Day in the way that she can feel loved and protected above all else. I AM CHANGING.�


Can you see the difference? I do believe that you want to do this.

I feel like anything I do is an LB these days.

Thanks,
Remark

....
From JD2D,
"MY recollection from our detailed discussions of the boat is that we were going to split possession of the boat and van, that you'd store the boat and jackets and skis and everything that went with it, and I would keep the van. Then, we could go on boating "dates," and I would show up with the friends you like to invite along with my cooler of food to share and a towel, then at the end of the day say thanks and give you $20 for gas and go our separate ways. YOU would have the sole burden of the related work, expense, and inventory/storage, and I would get to enjoy the day responsibility-free, like you offer to our friends. We discussed how Jake is just finally getting into skiing and boarding and I didn't want him to miss out on the opportunities that your kids had. You mentioned that you wanted to take your older son when he was in town this summer, even suggested that he might want to buy it from us when he moves back to town. You've commented that you don't know what you're going to do with yourself on the weekends, and my response has been that you can go boating every other weekend now, like we used to do. These all require HAVING a boat. "

........

Back to the boat, as logical as that sounds, I don't see it as particularly viable to keep a boat I'll use once or twice a year. It still seems like IB to me, if she is not coming along. And, I don't believe I can store it without incurring significant expense. It fits in our present garage. I certainly can't afford to pay for storage. Understand, I'll not have a lick of furniture, or appliances, or anything else. So, I'm trying to 'mature' and focus on life's necessities rather than live for softball and boating as she keeps making references to. As a practical matter, it costs well over $100/day in gas boat to get it to a lake, then boat, and then haul it home. It's just a luxury I don't see viable for a single man my age, who really should focus on retirement income, not to mention furnish his new environment.
Also, the adult son, who made reference a couple of years ago to purchasing the boat, told me Saturday, to sell the boat. And, for the record, we never went boating "every other weekend".

.....that you'd store the boat and jackets and skis and everything that went with it, and I would keep the van. Then, we could go on boating "dates," and I would show up with the friends you like to invite along with my cooler of food to share and a towel, then at the end of the day say thanks and give you $20 for gas and go our separate ways. YOU would have the sole burden of the related work, expense, and inventory/storage, and I would get to enjoy the day responsibility-free, like you offer to our friends. We discussed how Jake is just finally getting into skiing and boarding and I didn't want him to miss out on the opportunities that your kids had......

Well, JD2D, I am not going to date you in this manner so I'll ignore that you reached out to me to give that suggestion of how you want to spend time with me and instead educate you on how viable it is to keep a boat I'll use 1x or 2x per year.....if you can do that math, 1x or 2x per year clearly means NO BOAT DATES FOR YOU!!! I do have to focus on life's necessities you know, like FURNITURE and DECOR in my new environment! Plus my adult son just told me to sell the boat - who cares about your point regarding Jake getting the benefit of it; I will ignore you on that too.

I'm not going to admit that I don't want to date you; I'll just avoid you altogether and secretly sell the boat behind your back. Yahoooo...... no, I won't be stuck on a boat with you; no ma'am!

So let me just twist the knife a little more and educate you a little bit - totally not the point of your email but I can't resist - and, for the record, we never went boating "every other weekend"(so there!).

JD2D, I would love to spend time on the boat with you. If you get the gas, I'll bring the wine and we can spend some very relaxing time together. Remember when we always used to [fill in the blank]?"

Sunny,

I see your points. My arms are down, (no defensiveness or rebuttal arguing.)

Coming around,
Remark

That was not her only or main point. What was the key point?

At one point, I began tracking your complaints and over a short period of time compiled a list of 47 character flaws � not complaints about what I �do� but about what I �am.�

Remark, there are two ways to resolve a conflict: win it or resolve it.

Here your method is to win it at all costs, and escalate the destruction of the other person until they stop talking.

That a) doesn't solve the problem, b) creates a new one, c) leaves JD2D feeling disdained and despised and d) is not good for JD2D's health. You win alright - you get your way and she stops talking - but she quadruple loses and her love for you is destroyed.

Why not resolve it instead? Using POJA, you are both happy and the conflict is over with no remaining problems.

(I know complaints are healthy. Dr H encourages them, but not criticism.)

Yes, but not an overwhelming number of them (47?!) and Dr. Harley describes a specific method to deliver them without LBing:

"That bothers me."

Not "Your disregard of xxxx bothers me" as that would be inserting DJs into the complaing.

Simply "That bothers me."

Sunny,

I understand. If I have anything to say, it will come out that way, "It bothers me when....". But, I'm not in a position to do that even. I'm pretty quiet these days with regard to complaining.

Thanks,
Remark

I understand. If I have anything to say, it will come out that way, "It bothers me when....".

Sunny,

That makes perfect sense. Resolution makes infinitely more sense than winning - temporarily.

I'll manage my complaints better. (I know complaints are healthy. Dr H encourages them, but not criticism.)

Thanks,
Remark

Even if there were 47 bothersome behaviors, Dr. Harley says you should only focus on 2 or 3 from the top of the list. And ideally they are written on a form exchanged weekly.

It bothers me when you ......
(Fill in the blank with a BEHAVIOR , not a "way of being".)

HOWEVER:

YOU are not in a position to complain right now.

Complaints are healthy in a good marriage, but they still withdraw love units. You cannot afford those withdrawals!!

FOCUS ON:

1. ENJOYABLE UA time. Be pleasant, but yes you PURSUE her.

2. Meet wife's emotional needs that she will allow you to meet IN A WAY that she can appreciate.

3. Keep listening to Radio shows under the topic of Openness and Honesty, DJs, and POJA. Focus on YOUR OWN lovebusters.

4. VERY IMPORTANT: Your wife receives 0 admiration from you. You have to think of a way to point out how attractive her appearance and personality can be to you. She feels horrible when she's around you. That is YOUR problem to solve and a main reason for you to stop educating her forever and stop complaining until further notice.

Are you willing to print this list out and every day do something in each area?

Remark, why do you want this marriage? What do you get out of it?

How would you like your wife to feel in this marriage?

Sunny- we are giving conflicting advice here with phrasing. And you make some good points.

There are times when it is necessary to say,

It bothers me when you leave your glass on the counter.

It bothers me when you leave your socks on the floor.

However-
We all agree that Remark should stop complaining and start admiring and pursuing his wife.