Yes!!

Didnt,

Yes, I've been able to read all of the above, but at son's baseball game until just a while ago. (I can read on my phone, but have trouble posting with phone.)

Yes, I am learning from and valuing your collective input.

I'll complain later. But, right now, I'm not inclined. Rest assured, when I do, I'll do it in the Harley way "it bothers me that XXX behavior". Unfortunately, historically I've come across such that my complaints aren't about her behavior, but her character. You all need to understand that she feels that way.

Regardless, I value all your input.

Thanks,
Remark

Indie,

OK, darn, I was pretty proud of that answer. But, I see your points.

I signed up to spend the rest of my life with her because we hit it off, enjoyed each others company, couldn't stop talking to each other. (Of course we talked about pleasant things.) I fell in love with her pretty much instantly and love was so easy then. We'd talk until the wee hours of the night about dreams philosophies, positions non-conflict things. Though not an athlete in school, she played volleyball. She was/is artsy like my mother was. She embraced me and four kids, (having none of her own) which was phenomenal. My girls wouldn't go to bed without her laying with them and them cackling a while.

She is incredibly beautiful physically and has a heart with that same beauty. She has a soft spot for all animals and probably five or six times, she or we have pulled over at the side of the road for a hurt bird or turtle, and nursed it back to health. She is incredibly talented in more areas than anyone I know. Incredibly intelligent-she very intelligent and analytical; qualities, I admire and envy. Her father can fix anything mechanical.

At any rate, I do love her and miss the days when were more affectionate with/to each other. I so want to validate her now and make her feel valued and loved again.

I wouldn't want to lose a wonderfully loving partner, whose interests we could match ( find common ones ). She is much as Dr Harley describes Joyce; very female with interests in crafts, artsy things, etc., while he and I are very male (outdoors, sports, etc.)

Thanks,
Remark

Aces!

Thats more like it.

Did you consider put that in a love letter to her or breaking it up into a series of notes?

Exactly. Leave them in different places. Get creative and let us know what you ended up following through on.

Those comments about Why you fell in love with your wife don't do any good unless you deliver them to her. Every Single Day.

Remark, I first read this when you posted it but didn't have an opportunity to comment at the time. I came in here today just to tell you: That was really quite touching. Kind of beautiful really.

Honestly? I would have never guessed you had any of those feelings in you for your wife. I hope you tell her these thoughts. Frequently.

This is the kind of specific custom-tailored compliment that makes a woman feel genuinely known, loved, and appreciated. At least it would me.

Any,
Thanks, I guess. I must have sounded like a real ogre much of the time.
Still working on LBs, though.

Thanks for the encouragement,
Remark

Hi Remark-

I get a sense that you either misunderstood the main point of Anywife's post, or else you don't want to talk about it.

I'm curious, which is it?

Didnt,

Maybe I did miss her point. I thought she made two points. One was to compliment my communicated sentiments and since she was surprised by them, I felt like I have come across so much as full of disdain and stuff, I sounded like an ogre.

I'll gladly talk about stuff and didn't mean to give her short shrift ( short response ).

What'd I miss?

Thanks,
Remark

Yeah... you missed my point. Sure, I was complimenting you, but my POINT was that this is what your wife needs to hear. Giving me short shrift is a minute issue.


Also, did you tell these things to your wife? I think a couple people here have said you should/asked if you did. I may have missed it, but did you?

People keep trying to tell you how to relate to your wife and you have had the answer inside you all this time. Your wife is practically begging for some validation/love/appreciation/acknowledgment and you keep responding as if you have no clue what she wants or what people on here mean.

100 pages of back and forth with people about your marriage and nothing you said prior to this indicated this depth of appreciation for what makes your wife a special, unique person that you love for a reason, not just because you stumbled into marrying her years ago.

Your answer that showed genuine appreciation for your wife only came out after someone pushed you to "try again" following an answer that sounded rushed and missed the mark by a mile.

I think you do know what to say and you do know what to do. You just need to be willing to DO IT.

Thanking me for complimenting you is nice. But forum manners won't save your marriage. Applying what you learn here to your relationship with your wife may.

For what it's worth, I have felt you missed my point almost every single time you have responded to one of my posts. And others seem to have the same experience with you. You seem like an intelligent person so it feels like you are being deliberately obtuse, and lazy - just throwing an answer up here so you can say you're trying. But I have really started to wonder if your brain has trouble interpreting words. I wonder if that is something a doctor can test for.

Any,

Yes, not only have I shared those words with her before, she reads all my posts on the forum. They ring hollow to her. She feels I am a used car salesman who will say anything to 'make a sale'. She has said that and said that I represented myself before we got married as something completely different that her experience with me has been for 20 years.

She and I have had long conversations everyday of late.

Yes, I have had that testing done, and though the psychiatrist said I was OK, Dr H, read all my results and said I do have some 'non-linear' thinking going on that causes me a lot of problems in marriage, and, based on forum comments, probably life, in general. Add to that, my tendency to get defensive when she complains ( a healthy thing to complain, not healthy thing to get defensive).

Meanwhile, no, your msg was no lost on me. She commented on how it means nothing to her, my words mean nothing to her.

Thanks for the semi-encouragement. I can use it.
Remark

Ok, Remark. So you know your wife lends your word no weight or creedence, so;

1) What have you done that has destroyed your word?

2) How can you recover the integrity of your word?

No, Remark.

A thousand things may have destroyed your wife's love for you, but only not keeping your word has destroyed it. Having no integrity with your wife has made all of your talk have no valuable weight.

And ONLY actions will restore the worth of your word. Everything you have added after "matching my actions with my words" is extraneous fluff which is a habit you have that is exasperating to deal with.


1 problem ----> 1 solution.

If that solution doesn't work ----> 1 solution.


If that solution doesn't work -----> 1 solution.


Also; where the heck do you get the idea that allowing her IB is a good idea for the health of your marriage? Maybe you should allow her an affair since you had one years ago, eh?

You need to have integrity, not cowardice. You need to keep your word, and you need to not be a doormat.

She already doesn't like you. She already doesn't respect you, so how is allowing further disrespect by "allowing her IB without complaining about it" going to help restore your marriage?

HHH,

You are right. I said that I shouldn't complain about her IB only because I have done it so much for 20 years and I didn't want to be a hypocrite ( even though it was in the past ). So, if I do complain, it will be in the form of "It makes me feel __________ when you __________".

Keeping my word, matching my words and actions are the key. I know that.

Thank you for that insight,
Remark

Would you be so kind to give us an update?

HH,

Thanks for inquiring. We're being civil with each other as I prepare to move out. I'm working every possible minute to get the place I'm moving to livable. Buying minimal used furniture. Planning on moving in the next couple of weeks.

She wants to tell the neighbors so they are not surprised, the two neighbors closest to us. I haven't told our adult kids, so I asked her if she wanted to be involved with telling them. She declined. So, I'll be telling them shortly.

Sunday, she asked why I wasn't planning on updating the kitchen in the condo, because I've wanted to get a new refrigerator and update our 21 yr old kitchen in our house for the past few years. I said because I need to get into this place and see what I can afford. I elaborated that if we're doubling our living expenses, that's a big consideration to me. Well, she doesn't feel we're doubling our living expenses. Communication is so hard.

I'm trying to get out before it's too far gone that she'll never be interested in reconciling. She's already made comments to that effect. ( That she's not going to be interested ever in reconciling.)

How does keep trying new words and explain something that their position that she's asking questions, wanting to understand, but not able to, or accept or something?

But, I'm not giving up.

Thanks,
Remark

Remark, does your wife still feel that you are disrespectful?