Well, he works nights and apparently has Mondays and Tuesdays off. So those are the only nights he could have them overnight.

Homeschooling we can do any time. We can do weekends or evenings or whenever they're with me. My oldest will be going to public high school next year, so we will have to deal with that.

I'm not at all hung up on 50/50. I think if I agreed to this he would freak out - he can barely get the 4 year old to sleep one night a week and he doesn't take the baby overnight at all now. My lawyer thinks that his lawyer came up with the plan in order to reduce his child support payment, and because the judges in my city like to give both parents equal time she thinks she's got some leverage. There's no way he could actually handle it.

Oh my. WH's brother's wife just told me that he has abruptly asked her for divorce after 20 years of marriage. My heart is breaking for her, and I am having some kind of PTSD episode here.

Can you send her here?

Has she done any snooping?

Divorce will change your lifestyle.
The kids will need to go to school.
You will need to go to school or get a job and he will need to tell his work he needs weekends off to have the kids.
You cant try to make your current schedules fit into your post divorce lifestyle. It won't work.

Well, as nice as it would be to just tell the police department what days he wants off, it doesn't work that way. And he is certainly not the only divorced dad on the force. Not to mention he lost seniority by sleeping with a subordinate and getting demoted.

I had the same thought initially that the kids would have to go to school, but there are many single parents homeschooling. It won't be easy, but I am committed. With support from friends and family, I have figured out how I can further my education and gain employment while continuing to homeschool.

I am a smart lady. I know things are changing.

I told her about this site. She suspects something with a coworker. She's done.

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary. I'm doing ok so far. I used to tell the big kids this is our family's birthday when they were little. I am focusing on thinking of it that way, and how thankful I am for my kiddos.

just guessing why that is...

My friend and I are looking at taking the kids on an overnight trip (we do it every summer). We found a hotel Groupon, so we can stay two nights, but she can't go on a weekend. That means we'll have to go during the week which will mean the kids have to miss a visit with WH. I am thinking I don't really want to ask his permission, but I do want to run the dates past him and make sure he doesn't already have something scheduled for the kids that can't be changed. I want to let him know in a way that he knows I'm not just picking a visit day out of spite (because I don't want to set a precedent) and that if he has a problem with that particular date and lets me know immediately I can pick a different date, but it will be a Tuesday/Wed and I'm not asking if I can do this. So I guess I'm going for courtesy, not permission. Thoughts? Or should I just make my plans and let him know?

On a side note, WH sent a message through my IM yesterday asking if he could pick the kids up early next week because he is planning to take them camping, and telling me the he wouldn't be picking up the baby in the morning.

If WH is being civil, using the IM and asking for a change, then I would extend him the same courtesy.

That's what I thought, too. My IM said she's not sure how to word it.

Well, to nobody's surprise WHs brother actually left his wife of 20 years because he was having an affair. This is so painful for me to watch. She's just done. I told her about this site, but she's not interested.

My daughter's birthday is this weekend. She hasn't seen or spoken to WH since thanksgiving. The last time he tried to contact her was January 4. I am expecting him to ignore her birthday, and it makes me feel sick.

Oh wow. It's terrible that it runs in the family. Even if your sister in law is divorcing, she can learn a great deal on personal recovery here. I've turned a corner and am no longer interested in recovering my marriage really, but I still like the advice. It had helped me immensely.

I'm sorry about your daughter, but her choice not to see her dad is her own. She has put up that boundary with him and it's good that you support it. She is learning that one way to deal with someone who is causing you great harm is to separate yourself from that person.

Time for an update. My lawyer just called. His lawyer has requested that I answer a bunch of discovery questions. She sent them before, and my lawyer told me but said that I should wait to answer until I'm forced to do so. Well, today my lawyer got the letter that says I have to.

She also wants to know what I want to counteroffer for a parenting plan. He has requested equal time - Monday morning through Wednesday night every week plus every Friday morning. Right now he takes them every Tuesday night 5:00 - Wednesday afternoon at 2 and every Friday morning 9:30-2.

Our financial agreement for the time being is that he gives me $xx and funds the joint account where the bills are set to automatically withdraw every month. When we set the amount for him to give me, it's lower than what he was originally giving me when he first moved out because he says he can't work his extra hours. Because he has to work night shift now, because I went to his boss, and he's "too tired" and he tried but he "felt it was unsafe" so he quit. Which was 15-20 hours that he has budgeted for and worked every week for the past 7 years regardless of what shift he was on, even night shift. When support is finalized, the judge will not stand for that, I know.

My lawyer first recommended that we counter Mon-Wed every other week, every Friday, and the baby only goes during the day until both parties agree that she is old enough to spend the night. I thought about it, and I don't feel comfortable giving him any more time at once than he's getting because if he actually can't work the hours he's been working all that time, then there is something going on with him that makes me concerned for his ability to safely care for young children.

What is your advice?

Oh, the other thing my lawyer said it's that our two family court judges, one of whom doesn't even have children, like to give parents equal time. So my hope is that WH will agree with what I propose. If he chooses to fight me, there is a good possibility he will get what he wants. As wrong as that is, knowing that I have been a stay at home mom, the primary caregiver for the past 14 years, doesn't matter to these men.

If the current schedule is working, why change it?

I wouldn't change it. And he's the one who set this schedule when he left. This is because he's pushing forward with the divorce and his lawyer advised this I assume to reduce child support.

I wouldn't change it from what it is now. He can't even handle what he has now without asking for changes...correct me if I'm wrong about that. He would still be entitled to holidays and maybe some additional time in the summer.

Yeah, he has asked for changes several times. So just tell my lawyer that? That I propose we keep the schedule that we have now, that he set, and that he has to ask for changes on a fairly regular basis as it is?

Don't change. Ask the court to enforce the status quo. This is clearly a move to reduce child support.

Do courts enforce the status quo in your state? If so, capitalize on that. And yes, being the primary caregiver does count for something. You basically have sole physical right now, with visitation for him. That is what should be enforced. These guys try to act like they care AFTER dissolution is filed. A good judge will see right through that BS. If he wanted equal time, he would have asked for it sooner.