Markos,

Well, my family was the extended family 6 hours away. So, no, I wasn't planning on seeing them, as difficult as that will be.

Now, family as defined by my immediate children.......three of my kids that live in town, two live out of town, one in Australia and they all are going to be in town for Father's Day weekend for a wedding on the other side of their family and want to do what we have done for 30 years, get together on Father's Day. They are not on the list of 'family' that W is uncomfortable with I didn't think. But, due to the pending separation, W doesn't want to do anything with us.

So, that is why I asked the question raising the 'family' issue once again.

Context is everything.

Thanks,
Remark

I would skip doing what you have done for 30 years and find something to do that your wife enjoys.

Stop saying things like that. "As difficult as that will be" will always come off as disrespectful. It's a jab.

Do you want to be married or not? If you do, then set your priorities and put her first. Don't talk about how difficult it is to put her first.

Don't make noise about how difficult this is. That's like telling her "you're not worth it."

Remark, that can happen, especially when you are beginning to PoJA. Dr H once gave away some books Joyce wanted to keep.

The crucial thing is how do you react, when it IS pointed out? Defensive and talking about why you didn't think, or are you glad to hear it and willing to undo it as far as possible? Dr H tracked the books down, and was pleasant to Joyce about the complaint.

If you are saying why you don't think it's a big deal, you're not listening to how it is.

Markos,

Understood.

Thanks,
Remark

You don't need to "get it." You don't need to understand WHY she feels that way. She does. That's all that matters.

And if you want to be married to her, you're going to need to focus on that.

Why does it matter why it bothers her? Who cares why? The woman you love is hurt when you do these things. So, don't do them. Simple enough.

Saying "I don't get why" is very disrespectful.

Remark, you are being disrespectful to your wife here. Be sure to add this to your list of disrespectful judgments for the week. You are engaging in namecalling, particularly by using the word "ordeal." You are being inconsiderate of her feelings and using negative words to refer to her feelings.

This is why your marriage is failing. If you can stop talking about your wife's feelings like this, it will go a long way towards restoring things. That is the FIRST step, and you have not taken it, which is why your marriage is failing.


It hurts like hell when you do that. When you do that, it hurts your wife. It's like injecting toxic chemicals into her brain.

Remark-

Do you gave access to the MBR archives?

In a good marriage, you focus on both husband and wife's feelings, simultaneously.

You might remember Dr. Harley talks about the Giver and Taker. The Giver is the part of your thinking that thinks only about how to make other people happy, regardless of whether you are happy or not. It will suggest lots of ideas to you.

Meanwhile, the Taker is the part of your thinking that thinks only about how to make yourself happy, regardless of whether other people are happy or not. It will suggest lots of ideas to you.

Meanwhile you, Remark, are sitting in the middle hearing these ideas. You need to pick ideas that are acceptable to both your Giver AND your Taker. Those ideas will make both you AND JustDayToDay happy.

So, loaning out the lifejacket without asking your wife how she felt about it - that's a Taker idea. Don't try to make it anything more than that. It's not the "right" idea. Filtering that idea out because it doesn't make your wife happy is not "an ordeal." It's something every married person has to learn to do.

Markos,

OK, I understand that.

Thanks, Remark

Listen to all of them. Start with the most recent ones and work your way backward.

Markos,
You lost me. When I do what? The toilet or talk about it?
Thanks,
Remark

First of all, let's deal with the fact that you are being disrespectful to your wife. You say she's making a big "ordeal." You say that in marriage she should not make a big deal about you fixing the toilet or lending a life jacket.

Notice the "should"?

That's you being disrespectful.

Are you seeing a counselor who is telling you that your wife shouldn't make a big deal about the toilet or life jacket? If so, fire them, because they are teaching you to be disrespectful, and they will wreck your marriage.

Second, it hurts your wife like hell when you engage in independent behavior. Just like it hurts her like hell when you make disrespectful judgments.

If you only knew how your wife felt when you loaned out that jacket you wouldn't dare talk about it like it was no big deal. It's like she's tied to you with wires and you have the power to zap her. To you it was just loaning out a life jacket, but you zapped her!

How is it that you have been at Marriage Builders all these months and you are still talking so disrespectfully about her? And still doing things without asking her how she will feel? These two things (disrespectful judgments and independent behavior) are why your marriage is failing, Remark.

You could also search disrespectful judgment and listens for segments specifically related to your love busters.

But the fact that you haven't done this already is why I say you are just putting on a show.

You could also search disrespectful judgment and listens for segments specifically related to your love busters.

But the fact that you haven't done this already is why I say you are just putting on a show.

Let me know when you are updated and ready.

I am disappointed that you haven't valued my past advice to listen by topic.

You said it was a good idea. Did you forget about my suggestion or ignore it? (It's important that you answer this with openness and honesty.)