jules, I've seen you online reading tully's thread several times now.

I hope you can see from it the many stories of BSs that were fooled by the WSs seeming to go NC, and lying. I hope you can hear in those stories just how addictive the affairs were for the WS, even when the WS did not intend to leave home; they still brought the marriages to destruction.

I hope you can see the importance of spyware, which you have dithered about using. Once she decided to use it, it saved tully from yet another false recovery, and when I decided to use it, it confirmed the 5 year long-distance contact my H maintained with his affair partner in Belgium. It confirmed that they had not met in that period, and that yet, their twice-yearly catch-up phone calls had been enough to maintain the spark of their affair, and when, 5 years later, her H planned to retire and move back to his home country, OW and my H planned to meet in person. That meeting probably would have happened in London on a normal working day (since my H no longer travelled abroad), and I would have been none the wiser when he came home from spending the day in a hotel. (That had already happened a few times during the 3.5-year PA.)

I hope you will see the need for a cast-iron Plan B if you see any signs of the affair continuing (and you MUST look; don't turn a blind eye), and I hope you read the False Recovery thread that Brainy linked for you.

You seem to have decided not to post, and I think this is probably because you feel that you cannot take our advice. I'm sorry, if that is the case. People have taken a lot of their time to try and help you avoid what they went through.

Hi sugarcane
I have been reading a lot on mb and trying to absorb all the information. Tully's thread is heartbreaking but something I need to know.
I did get voice activated recorder and discovered nothing, I am sure there has been no contact for 2 weeks now so I'm trying at the moment to get my head around everything that's happened over the last 2 months. We are still at the stage of discussing how we move forward. I am so hurt I don't think I will ever be the same. This scares the hell out of me, I'm taking some time to sort out my own feelings.
I seen how fantastic you guys were to Tully you all really supported her through the most painful time of her life,thank you for the posts I received , I hope to post again soon with more detail.
Thanks guys

hi sugarcane,
you guys on MB definitely know your stuff and how to smell a rat from a 1000 miles away.
Last night after posting here i decided to check his phone there was messages from yesterday and it all kicked off!!
I asked him to leave that he has broken the NC agreement and he tried to explain the messages away...i know from what was in the messages they have not seen each other for 6weeks or more but i cant tell how much communication they have had over the phone.

He refused to leave the house, so i called his 2 sisters to try and make him see sense, he got very nasty to me which his sisters heard over the phone and he refused to speak to them.

I told him he cant stay that the whole situation with him and his cousin is wrong and makes me feel sick!! his reply was I HAVE MADE HIM FEEL SICK FOR A LONG TIME!!! this bloody hurt, our marriage was no where near that bad before A.

All hell has broken loose his 2 sisters have rang her and told her exactly what they think of her contacting him, her response quite frankly is not normal ow said they should be taking there brothers side and not mine!!!

I have nowhere to move to and no money so he has to move out and do the right thing but when that will be i dont know. But maybe with pressure from his family it will be as soon as possible.

He is at work (my spys have checked) and i am at home trying to calm myself down before i have to take my 2 kids to dental appointment.

I only finished Tullys thread yesterday and can see how my H's personality is very like her WH.

Its all very sad.

thankyou sugarcane for pointing me to Tullys amazing life and strength.

Ooooh, jules, I'm so sorry...

We all knew this was happening. Almost no wayward stops contact just like that, when they have been discovered. I have read so many stories stories, and lived my own, where the first thing the waywards do is contact each other and work out to way to keep in contact secretly. I don't believe they ever, ever stop cold turkey. (I can't prove that, of course.)

What kids of things did the messages say? Were they planning to meet again?

He can't seriously refuse to move out. He can't genuinely think that he can live with his wife and have an affair - that this is his right.

You need to get an emergency locksmith out and change the locks before he gets home from work. Also, pack a bag with his basic necessities and leave it on the doorstep.

You and the kids need to be home when he comes back from work, because he will try to smash the door down, and you need to be there to call the police. If he doesn't try to do that, he will call the police himself - but I highly doubt that. He is probably legally entitled to smash his own front door to get into the house that he legally owns or rents, but is he going to continue doing that when the police arrive and you and the kids are terrified?

If he calls the police without trying to force his way in, you will need to explain what is going on, and dare them and him to force you to let him in. My guess is that he will be too ashamed to have that confrontation in front of other people on your doorstep, and will leave.

You also need to book an emergency meeting with a lawyer. You need to arrange maintenance and child support, now that he is no longer living there.

Please get moving on these things right away, especially the lock change.

Jules, so sorry my darling but at least now the uncertainty is over.


Call a locksmith and have his things sent to his family. He was only being nice because he thought he could continue contact secretly. Now he knows you mean business he will be very abusive and hurtful so he needs putting out in the cold where he can't hurt you.

In changing the locks, he can still legally break in but have some family stay with you to deter him. Most don't try. Call the police if he does too. He won't want to stick around and explain he us a cheating husband.

Jules, if you're fighting with him and describing the A as sick then contact has now become unproductive. He has given you so much pain it is now impossible for you to be cool and calm and avoid lovebusting.

Just go into Plan B and protect yourself. Let him discover for himself how sick and dysfunctional it is.

Never! You are half his addiction, he's going nowhere voluntarily. Make it so.

I just wanted to add it was very smart to call in your supporters to do most of the ear bashing! Using exposure to the max...

I've seen you online, jules. Please report in.

Hi guys
He has refused to move out and is still living here our house has complicated story attached to it with inheritance tax outstanding and his brother owning half.
Anyway bottom line is 'everybody' is seriously on there backs, he knows I've been to get advice and is terrified of now facing the possibility of loosing everything. I haven't spoken to him, but I have heard him pacing around the house in the early hours of the morning.
I'm sure ow will be putting even more pressure on him now because she is completely out in the cold with her family and her teenage daughter now knows . Ow had the cheek to message me today to find out what's happening!!!! I forwarded these messages on to wh and he went crazy (with her).

The messages I found on Thursday evening were from ow asking how he was and that it's been a few weeks now and could he give her a call
Wh's response was he was busy and had his son at work with him for the day.
Not much really but enough for me to realise there is still contact.

I'm hoping things will move along more after weekend when I'm in with the welfare office to find out what I'm entitled to and if they can help with the complicated situation with the house.

I'm heading to bed now, nice and early I'm as weak as a kitten and need to keep my strength up!!
Love to all you guys x

No sooner said than done! Thanks, jules.

You need to see a lawyer to find out how to get him put out of the house. Please don't put off doing that.

Do you have the right to put the house up for sale? Do you have equal rights to your half of it? Does the brother actually own half of the house - as in having his name on the titles deed, or is it that he is waiting for his half of the inheritance money? You need to ask a lawyer how you can put the house up for sale and get your share of the assets. you need to be proactive about changing this situation, jules. You cannot just live there with him because he refuses to get out.

Don't forward her messages to him. Why are are you encouraging contact between them?

Both your phone numbers should have been changed by now. I know he won't agree to this request - but you can do it for your own phone. How dare she contact you, and you are allowing it!

How do you know he went crazy with her? Do you have spyware on his phone yet? If not, will you ever be able to get hold of it now? How about when he's in the shower?

Can you hide a voice recorder in the room where he sleeps?

Jules just lock him out!


He can figure it all out on his own time. For now, if he can, he will drag you down and resolve his problems by taking you out of your senses.

What is the delay in calling a locksmith?

The first rule of Plan B is to not worry about where he will stay. If he can figure out how to have an affair he can figure out this.

His being worried and fretful is not a positive sign. It is a sign he still wants both you and her. He's worried because he can't stop.

There would be no need to worry about rebuilding his marriage if he were all in.

So let him see a lawyer about it after you've kicked him out. It's a civil matter that would take ages to resolve. More than enough time to find another place and quite possibly the A will be dead by then anyway.

Your letter will show that you aren't excluding him from the house - simply asking him to end his affair before he comes home again.

Exactly! All waywards refuse to get out!

hi guys
thanks for all the posts, firstly i know he went crazy at her because his sister could hear him in the shed so she eavesdropped for a while.
As for the situation with the house, the deeds to the house are still in the solicitors hands, our names do not go on the deeds until the inheritance tax is paid in full from wh and his brother so all we have is his aunts will stating the house is left to wh and brother my name appears nowhere. we are only allowed to live in the house because we were renovating it.

I could put spyware into his shed i have a key!

I am waiting on a call back from the 'marriage in crisis' crowd they give free legal advice in difficult marriage/seperation cases.

Saturday and sunday he was acting very weird like nothing was wrong! not that i seen much of him, i kept the kids busy and away from the bizarre atmosphere.

My little boy refused to go to school today he was very upset so i need to set up a meeting with his teacher and sort that situation out.
My friend owns a creche and i have to cover for her for the rest of today as she is recovering from cancer and has appointments she needs to attend, so i will be busy for the rest of the day.

I will check back in with you guys later with any updates.

Still cant believe this has happened!!!! But onwards and upwards as us British like to say.
xx

forgot to say i really feel like is love for me is gone! just cant believe the respect he had for me as a mother and his friend has disappeared so quickly but apparently it has.

So bloody sad!!!

I remember XH solemnly telling me I was not a good mother out of the blue one day. Then I found out about the Fat Slag (a 45 year old childless ex felon). He was clearly reinventing history. They all do it. Actually men do not lose love easily. His current behaviour is called 'the fog'. He has been invaded by aliens. Ignore everything that comes out of his mouth.

hi livingwell
His older sister said the same thing 'ignore everything that comes out of his mouth for a while' easier said than done but good advice.

His mother is going to sit down with him and appeal to his rational side (if he still has one) to move out before the children see the police becoming involved and whats now a mess will turn into a free for all with the whole village watching!!

This may work because most of his work (steel fabrication & building) comes from the village, his workshop is only 10min drive from our house.

It amazes me the things people have been through here on MB, the way their waywards changed into people we just don't know anymore.
xx

Jules, you can't really sit and wait this one out and ignore the rough stuff. Appealing to his rational side won't work either because he doesn't have one.

Losing business? Cheats will risk military court martial and losing their families to get one more hit of the OP.

The only thing that works is a natural death of the A. Your exposure has stripped it of romance so it is now on a downward spiral. One day there will be no 'hit' there. An empty bottle. However as long as you are around, the abuse and blame will be directed at you and they can console each other and team up on you.


Get out of the storm. If he becomes remorseful you will be rested, unabused and have less resentment for recovery.

And your kids will have a sane parent!

Update, jules? How are you?