Yes I have spoke to a pi and it was agreed it would be best as to place a gps on her vehicle and then have him track her.

I will speak to them again. We are a considerable ways away from the nearest pi so that was the reasoning.

So how do you think I should be interacting with her? She has almost completely detached from me months ago and I have not got a "I love you in almost 4 months". her conversations or texts are basically friend type of stuff like this is what I did with this and here are the kids doing this and so on. Do I try and make deposits even though I know she does not want them now or do I just be polite as I have been and keep myself strong. or do I say things like I know how special she is and I do want the chance to show her again?

She fought so hard for this marriage for so many years.

I feel like spilling my heart out to her again but I know I wont get the reaction I want from her. do I do it anyway to make deposits or just keep things light. its just I see so many things I could have done different to fill so many more of her emotional needs and insecurities.

All affairs are temporary. Two years max. How much you fight for her determines how valuable you will be to her later.
It's the effect of an overdose of dopamine (romantic love from two sources) on the brain. To keep their addiction they also have to turn off their conscience. Why all waywards talk and act alike. Lots of people (me included) notice their eyes change. When the A is dead they often don't remember (or believe) the things they've said and done.

So not your priority right now, exposure is. Until you expose you are a sidekick, a flattering but external and highly part time ego boost. She feels he has fought more to win her than you have.

Exposure changes the whole dynamic because you publicly take her place as her HUSBAND. He will skulk like a coward, they will will fight, the romance is ruined and you are correctly cast as the wronged, but forgiving party. They will deny it at the top of their screechy voices, but it will be impossible to deny you are.

Until you expose any attempt at needs meeting is peeing into the wind.

Once you expose she will be furious and demonic which gives you a chance to REALLY earn your stripes. Being calm and confident and talking in a soothing voice while their world explodes is how it's done.

Have you found him yet? Put your entire life on hold until you have got his info and you exposure ready to go.

The exposure clock is ticking.

a text I wanted to send her but realize its probably best I don't. I will vent it here if that's ok.

I know you want to be friends but how do I pretend that I am not in love with the most beautiful person I have ever met, I have ever know, inside and out.
I am sorry how I pushed you away. I never meant for you to not feel how special you were and are and how much I loved you. I know now so much more of what you needed and wanted. all the things I want to give you.
I never not wanted to be with you and in our marriage even though at times I struggled in giving you the emotional support that I could have. Yes I also said some things in anger that would of made you feel otherwise and would of hurt you. there is no excuse.
I never realized that your needs could be different than mine. You always have been the most important thing in the world to me and I would do anything for you but I didn't realize how important meeting your emotional needs were. Me just believing that you knew how special you were and how much I loved you was a narrow minded view I had.
I didn't fully understand what marriage meant. I sure know so much more now of what it is, requires and can be.
I know where you are now *name*, the choices made, the hurt, the feelings and the road you find yourself on. But I know what we had and what the love we had can overcome.
You should know how much you are loved, how much you are desired.

ok Indiegirl, im going to head home early.
Thanks

Too wordy. Not selling yourself. You're dealing with a foggy brain so keep it short and sweet. I love you or I will not give up on you or I am fighting for you or I couldn't forget you if I tried... I burn for you or you are breaking my heart.

One or two sentences max. Three words if you can: I miss you.


AFTER you expose. Harder to do with her more furious, but a lot more effective than her smiling and going 'awww' and turning back to OM in a safe blanket of secrecy.

Thanks indiegirl,
Can I ask how your situation ever turned out?
And thank you for all the sound advice.

You can read my history and my early posts show my thread but my situation isn't really relevant to yours. I did a very successful personal recovery. Exposure killed the A but he wasn't very remorseful (husbands have to be remorseful in MB, wives don't).

Dr H advises women to go into Plan B within 3 weeks to avoid terrible mental and physical health fall out - it affects women more and men don't like to be pursued anyway. Once in Plan B you heal, your love dissipates, and most young childless women like me give up on the guy and don't hold out for recovery.

I am extremely grateful for MB because the advice gave me an incredibly happy life.

As a man with kids you have every potential for recovery but it all depends on what you do with it. Wifedivorcings thread is more applicable to your sitch. There's lots of other good Plan A husbands too - but expose first!

Here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2793670

Wow!!!
I can not believe what that man went through!!! That is amazing love. and im only done reading half!!

sonotfun,

Continue to read threads here, you will find that your WWs affair is not a meant to be magical meeting of soul mates, but just another garden variety affair which can be ended with exposure. I think almost everyone who comes here thinks their story is unique.

The other reason to fight is to keep your WW, who you love, from following this horrible life decision. Also think of it as saving childrens Mother for them. Finally Step-Fathers have a much higher rate of abusing children than biological Fathers.

Gamma

Thank you Gamma,

For the record I must state that I am actually the oldest twos step father. The oldest, the boy has only received one spanking from me in the entire 14 years. the girls never. I have been told many times I have been to forgiving and not discipline them enough. I love them as my own, always have and always will. They have fought hard for me through this.
But thank you, I do understand exactly what you mean and it terrifies me that another man could be raising them. A man with this low of moral values.

I have a meeting with a pi tomorrow as well as lawyer.

My wife has begun telling people that our marriage is over.

Now you see why exposure is so important. It allows you to give your side of the story and ask people to encourage the wayward home. So hurry up and get it done.

Surviving An Affair has a sample exposure letter I believe.

And look around the forum. You will see several recovery stories in which the wayward spouse claimed the marriage was over.

Thanks Apples,
You bet I have been reading these stories on here for days and nights. Amazing!
You see my story differs a bit because I scared my wife away from this marriage when I was angry and wanted out. I was overwhelmed with what we had went through and blew up my wifes mistakes and started this ball rolling. She ran into another mans arms looking for emotional support. I have to take a large blame in this. there is no excuse for what I have done.
I have spent months digging deep within myself and fixing so many things about me. I have truly enjoyed becoming a better person and understanding what it takes to be a better husband and to have a great marriage.
It drives my wife to anger that I chose to do all of this now instead of before and now criticizes me for it. She is so mad about it.