First of all I think your apology draft shows progress. However you go on to make DJs and imply your wife's place is not foremost. That undos any progress.




This. Plans involving you only get made when you and your wife have excited conversations about things. It's not your daughter's place!




Would you describe that as capitulation or enthusiastic approval?




You can only have ONE priority. The longer you try to juggle priorities the longer you will be irritable and letting JD2D know she has to help by capitulating.



Stop judging why she feels a certain way. You don't need to know why. JUST RESPECT THE FEELING WITHOUT MEASURING IT. It's also massively irritating and disrespectful for someone to assume psychic powers instead of simply saying OK. No she didn't give you a clear cut no, but without an enthusiastic YES it does NOT happen.







Her perspective is the only one huh!?

Are you kidding? Her perspective is your 'I should not do that' compass in life.

Everyone else can deal.

Don't do anything without your wife's enthusiastic approval, without her being a part of MAKING the plans as your life partner.

I would be telling my husband a flat out no based simply on the way these plans came about. It is worrying she is shrugging and saying whatever. She's giving up on you.

Markos,
Sorry, I missed that question somewhere.
No, I am not seeing a counselor that says that. The last counselor I saw a few months ago did seem more validating of me than holding me accountable. And, W was not interested in going to see him together, so I stopped going to him.
Thanks,
Remark

Can you make a list of single sentences, instead of paragraphs? Like this:

* I engaged in namecalling when I said a good marriage "surely allows for lending a lifejacket or fixing the toilet without being an ordeal.
* DJ #2
* DJ #3

Also, be specific. I don't understand your #2 at all. You just said you were disrespectful while falling asleep while heading home. What did you say or do, specifically, that was disrespectful?

The point is for you to learn to recognize disrespectful judgments.

Don't list instances where you did something without asking her. That is independent behavior: also a big problem, but not a disrespectful judgment.

Good job, Remark. Glad to hear it!

Do NOTHING!

How is your tone when you speak? Have you thought of carrying a VOice activated recorder on yourself so you could hear what you sound like?

It's really obvious that when you and the family make plans she feels pressured to either like the idea or capitulate. Stop putting her in this position. It is SUCH a bad idea to make plans without your wife and then INVITE her. You and your wife make the plans ALONE IN THE SAME ROOM and then you invite any others as a couple - ok?!

If you get any more ideas from the kids on this issue, just say the following script:

Remark: "JD2D and I haven't made any plans yet. You will be the first to know what they are when we do."

DD: "Yeah but, do YOU want to go? Are you going to ask her?"

Remark: "JD2D and I haven't made any plans yet. You will be the first to know what they are when we do."


Then you say to your wife: "What would YOU like to do on xday?" and keep pushing for her input FIRST before you introduce any IDEA of what other people are wanting. Who cares what they want? They have their own spouses and lives.





It will be a lot of 'do nothings'. You have painted yourself into a corner where she naturally resents being second fiddle but she also doesn't want to be around you. Certainly not during the inevitable resentment from your having to 'do nothing'.

The only way you have of showing her she is a priority is to do nothing cheerfully and show her it is not a big deal.

Only then will she gain in confidence that she can say no.

Then, when she is coaxed into a situation where she no longer feels she has to capitulate, she may start telling you more about things you can do together.

This sentence came off as very smarmy to me. By saying it's "a father's obligation" it sounds like you are trying to grab the moral high ground over you W. Similar to using church or the bible to justify IB. ("Yes I know W didn't like that but my desire is church related so it is morally superior to her's...")

Father's day is a day that the family (including the spouse) honor's the father. It is not a day that the father has any extraordinary obligations to his children. So when you twist it to be that you should do what you want to do because it's your obligation, to me that comes off as very manipulative.

Also, in other posts you talk about saying "Let me check with JD2D first" - I would recommend saying "Let me get back to you on that" instead because if you say "Let me check with her" then pressure is put on her to say YES regardless of what she wants to do or she becomes the BAD GUY 'cause the other party will know that SHE must have said NO and killed everyone's fun...

Remark-

I would have the same reaction, and agree with this, which is why I brought it up earlier.

However,

YOU CAN'T ASSUME that our advice about phrasing is what SHE would want. The PRIORITY, would be that you ask Day how she feels about his suggestion and not assume that she will be enthusiastic with your first idea or plan to solve the problem.


Remark-
Could you please let us know when you have an answer about this from Day, AND once you have written it in your notebook?

I doubt that she wants to answer that. Dr. Harley usually advises "Let me get back to you on that," and I would suggest he just use that unless we have some reason to believe she wouldn't like it.

So, Marcos, you think it's better for him to not even ask her?

What about the apology letter to her? I agree that she might get mad. But that doesn't seem like a good reason to avoid apologizing properly.

In his proposed apology, he included a plan for avoiding the problem in the future. My suggestion was to present it as a "proposal" instead of a decision.

I feel uncomfortable when I am forced to disagree with my husband AFTER he has made a decision about anything. I would prefer to be consulted FIRST with his brainstorms, before he just assumes a decision. And this is such a sensitive topic for them both, that it would seem to me a good idea to agree on the phrasing and for him to stick with it.

I happen to agree with Dr. Harley's phrasing, but isn't it JD2D whom he is trying to adjust to here?

Didnt,

I do see your better wording and your words are much better and what I meant.

Day's response was to ask me to move out, now.

So, I thought I'd check with MB before heading to new home where I don't have internet connectivity yet. And, I was having trouble posting at work today. I may not be able to do that anymore.

I'll have to run to a Starbucks or the library for the short-term, until I get internet set up.

My dwelling on this upcoming special regular weekend caused it.

Thanks,
Remark

Apples,

I don't think I have any negative tone most of the time, but I'm sure she does, as I'm sure I do at times. She comments on my eye contact, body language, etc. She is very sensitive to all of the above. So that is something I need always be aware of.

Thanks,
Remark

You just can't let it go, can you?

If she feels you have a negative tone, then you have a negative tone. Her perspective on how you are talking to her is the one that matters. Rather than awareness, you need to find out what you are doing to come across as negative to her, and then work on never doing it again.

I think a voice recorder is a great idea. We often don't know how we sound until we hear ourselves.

Remark-
Please, please apologize to your wife. Even if she thinks that it is an empty apology. It needs doing. She needs comfort.

Remark-

If you have Internet access on your phone then you can listen to radio shows about the POJA. Do a search by topic and listen to one right after another. Can you do that?