My wife and i been married almost 4 years, we both been married before. we have 3 kids, things been rough for the last year. Long story short she wanted to get out of the house and then things got worse, and she asked for a sepration. Come to find out she been hanging out with guy from church. So i turned to the church for help and thy put a stop to the friendship.
I found the book "His Needs, Her Needs" the book just made me cry realizing i was not meeting her needs. Right know she just wants to call it quits and wants nothing to do with marrage couching or making are marrage happy and stronger.
I am just heart broken and not sure were to turn.
She beleves she and the kids will be better off in a separation because she will be happy again.

RC,

Your W was, and is in an affair, you cannot make your marriage work when your W is wayward. It was at least an emotional affair and likely a physical affair as well.

You have to have NO CONTACT with the OM and this means your family will have to completely disconnect from the church where this happened, and can no longer be on sports teams or go to school with OMs kids.

Understand that an affair is an addiction just like drug or alcoholism.

What do you know about this OM?

Gamma

OM? I am guessing the other guy.
Well not much but his dad and him are in Awana. The paster, elder and his dad confronted him and thy said no contact at all.

I am just not sure what to do, she is getting a job and making plans to move out.

I am just heart broken and i am worried about my kids even though one is my step daughter.

RC,

Has your W ever said to you "I love you but am not in love with you"?

The thing is, that from what you said the affair needle is almost pinned, the sudden change in character, the need to move out, the belief that she is unhappy.

Is the OM, other man, married? Does the OM have a history of cheating with women at his church?

Gamma

Hi Ron, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did your relationship with her begin as an affair? Has she ever had an affair before?

No she has not said that, it was a straight cut off no more i love you, if i say i love youi get the cold shoulder and i know. Its almost like she cringes I say I love you.
I almost can even get a hug out of her.
I know i dropped the ball after reading "his needs her needs" i just she would open up and see are marriage is worth saving. She clames 4 years of unhappiness, which i dont believe at all even though its been rocky after the birth of are son 9 months ago.
As for the OM i believe he is single lives his mom.
I keep woundering if i should reach out to his dad and talk to him about whats going on.

I know my wife was ticked that i talked to the church and had no right to dictate who her friends are.

No, we both were single when we meet and she dated a few guys before we got serious. I have a special place in my heart for fatherless children, so i would watch her daughter when she worked. And she played with my younger bothers.

Both of us came from broken familys her parents are devorced and she longer talks to them, well thy dont talk to her.
My bio dad abandoned me and my sister and mom. She remarried cant say he was much better, good provider but was abusive to some of us kids.

I never wanted my kids to feel the efects of divorce. I been crying out to God, but i still feel hopeless.

As for a affair before she has never told me.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

This is well and good but if she is unwilling to talk about and just wants a separation its of no use.

I am just trying to get through to she so we can get to a point od repair, so far she is unwilling to save this marrage. And thinks its in the best intrest of her and the kids to separate.

She and every other WW that has come along.

You don't have to try to save your marriage, but if you want to there is a plan here to follow. If you want to follow it, then we need to know what has been done on that checklist and what is left to do.

Have you read up on Plan A?

Have you exposed?

Read this: Exposure 101

Ron, the best way to make her willing is to kill her affair. I suspect the affair has just gone further underground and that is why she wants to separate. Exposure will kill her affair and give you a chance to save this.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

So far i have that part done, the paster, elders and the OM father has said no contact. I been checking all logs and no contact has been made.
I been wounder if i should talk to the OM father, not sure if it will help.

I have changed my work schedule so i can be home in the evening.

I am just not sure how do i go about the rest of the list, she will eather shut me out or have a angry outburst.

Whats plan A?

I know i dont have to save this marrage, but i love her and the kids to much to not go out with a fight.

Do i go as far as making sure the car does not run so she cant go anywere? She been a stay at home mom/homeschool. So far she went out and got a job so she can move out do i put a stop to that too?

Looks like have work to do tonight, exposing more of the affair

And what about her family, friends, children, etc? What do you mean you have checked "logs?" There are many, many ways to sneak around to meet with an OM.
Do you have spyware on her phone? Does she have a secret cell phone? Do you have GPS on her car?


What has he said about the affair to you?



No, you can't stop her from leaving and you shouldn't try.

Her mom i have no idea were she is at or how to get ahold of her, her dad does talk.
I have told the 10 year old the 3 and 9month i dont think will get whats going on.
I dont have access to her phone, but i can log into fb and google, so i have seen were she have gone, call and text logs from the cell co. The 10year old keeps me informed what happends in the house.

She has old me nothing of the affair. I have plans to talk to her tonight and see if she will open up.

Ron be strategic. Why would you talk to her? She knows very well what she is up to, as do you.

Talking to her will just take the affair further underground. A totally unexpected nuclear exposure is by far your best strategy.

Do not tip your hand.

Do i just sit tight? Or what is my next move?

I'm not sure where you are on exposure but I did want to pipe in about one thing.

You exposed her at church and they made OM break it off with her. That was a awesome smart move. However, your wayward wife now incorrectly thinks if she separates from you (and later divorces you) she can THEN resume the affair. My wife kind of did the same thing after OM dumped her. See...she THINKS the only reason they can't be together is because she's with you/married to you...so in order to get the affair back...she's got to separate.

I simply said "no".

Your wife is looking for work but she can't afford to move out on her own and hopefully her parents or relatives don't take her in leaving her "stuck" with you.

It's OK if she's just stuck. Your affair can over come her anger. It can't overcome and ongoing affair.

Right now she's just acting like a crack head who's only dealer disappeared. OM was her crack and she wants it back, but OM is done with her and hopefully he doesn't get wishy washy on her saying "I'll wait for you" or some other bull when trying to end it politely. Once she withdraws from daily contact and starts thinking a bit more clearly (2-4 weeks), she'll calm down and hopefully start to see the foolishness of her ways.

Watch for her also to start criticizing OM for being a wimp who is afraid of upsetting his family and church. She'll be offended that his "love" wasn't strong enough or deep enough for him to ignore them like she expected him to. She'll start realize that OM just used her and when the going got tough OM ran (whereas....when the going got tough for you, her husband, you didn't run, you fought for her). It's a distinction she'll realize in time.

Godspeed.