Okay, in reality, the EA didn't end until your last contact in December. Every time he contacts you, the EA might as well still be on.

Contact did not end in 2009.

Also, keep in mind that your husband just found out -- it may be old news for you, but this is a fresh wound for him. You have lied to him for years, which just makes it worse.

Is your husband wanting to keep this man as a friend?

How does OM know your husband?

You need a new job.

You may need to move, as well.

Prisca, no he doesn't. He lives in another state. They hadn't seen each other in years and now they don't talk.
MelodyLane, what exactly do you mean by "cool it". I am aware of the shock my husband is in and the fact that I caused it. I can never forgive myself for that. I thought this was a forum to get help not to be attacked. I am not making any excuses for what I've done and when I said I'm not perfect I was referring to the fact that I don't always know what to do to help him heal. Even if he decides our marriage can't be salvaged he needs to heal.
I denied it because I didn't consider it for what it was and because I erased it from my memory like it never happened. But I take responsibility for what I've done and it was a huge shock for me too to come to grips with the fact that the one who should love him betrayed him. I have no excuse I don't claim to. I simply wanted some guidance

No he has decided not to be friends with him anymore.
They met at work years ago.

Yes we are going to be moving closer to my husband's work. Totally different city. And start all over. I will have to get another job.

You have not been attacked. What you need to do is stop pushing your husband to get over it. No one gets over an affair in 4 months, so you need to cool it. Back off and show some compassion. Stop saying things like "I'm not perfect." That only makes things worse.

No contact since then and my husband didn't want me to send a letter. He said he would handle it.

I understand. He feels like every day that I didn't tell him was a lie. I would too.

Please use the "quote" function so we can follow your replies without having to guess which post you are replying to.

And he's right. You have lied about this relationship for years, which only makes the affair worse.

Will the two of you get the book Surviving and Affair and read through it together?

Will you go through the checklist and tell us what has been down and what hasn't?

Please answer this.

We don't have that book but I am going to get it if you think it will help. I ordered fall in Love Stay in Love.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program outlined there. Here is the checklist. Can you look this over and tell us which ones you have done?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

__x___The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

__x___The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.MY HUSBAND DIDN'T WANT ME DOING THIS.

__x__The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

__X___Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). I HAVE NOT CHANGED MY PHONE NUMBER BUT MY HUSBAND GOES THROUGH IT

__x___Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). WE'VE ALWAYS HAD SEPARATE ACCOUNT BUT HE HAS ACCESS TO MY BANKING

__x__Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. WE ARE DOING THIS. LOOKING FOR A PLACE.

__x___Avoid overnight separation.

__x___Allow technical accountability.

__x___ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

He hasn't talked to me for two days. We went out for dinner the other day and he brought up moving again. Although I am willing to do it, I don't like big cities and I hate relocating my son. And since I have to be open and honest at ALL times, I told him how I felt. He got very upset and said he needed to do things for himself now because I've been selfish. Then he called me names (he has a habit of doing that, always has) At this point I didn't want to continue arguing so I got up and left. I started walking home (which is about 10 miles away) When he left the restaurant he stopped just to say FU and kept driving.
I wasn't angry or mad or anything, just frustrated because I can't seem to communicate properly and no matter what I do, I do it wrong. I realize now I should have stayed and dealt with his reaction instead of walking away. Now he hasn't talked to me for two days. I tried texting him but he won't reply, it's like we are two strangers. I miss my husband and I am at a loss on how to deal with his pain. I have to listen to the giver and not the taker and act accordingly. Is there a BH husband out there who can advise me?

allgoodthings,

Was the OM ever exposed to OMW or his GF, did your BH ever confront the OM?

Gamma

1. Change your phone number.

2. Don't move to a big city. Find a location you are both happy with. Giving your husband Just Compensation does not mean sacrificing and moving somewhere you will hate. You do need to move, but you need to move somewhere you can be happy.

3. Realize that although you have caused him great pain, his angry outbursts are HIS problem to solve and you do not need to put up with them. Do not sit around while he calls you names. Do not engage in his arguments. Walk away if he blows up at you and do not try to engage him. If your marriage is going to recover, he is going to have to get this anger problem under control.

4. Have you introduced him to this program? This program will help both of you heal, and will give both of you a marriage more wonderful than you ever dreamed of. This is how you need to help him deal with his pain. Show him the program, and how it will help you give him Just Compensation for what you did.

You can purchase "Surviving an Affair" on amazon.com and download it today. You need this book more than "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" right now.

Have you read about Just Compensation? This is what Marriage Builders will teach you to give to your husband to compensate for the pain you've caused.

Just Compensation:
1. Ending all contact with the affair partner for life
Examples: NC letter, phone number changed, email changed ...

2. Removing the conditions that led to the affair (Extraordinary Precautions).
Examples: Facebook shutdown, Radical Honesty (no secret second life), job change, no more nights apart ...

3. Creating a romantic relationship using Marriage Builders concepts.
Examples: Eliminate Lovebusters, POJA, PORH, meet EN, UA time each week ...

No, he was not exposed to OMW. And my husband did not confront the OM. I don't know why but he hasn't.

Thank you Prisca. Unfortunately, he has been commuting for years and he's tired. He promised he would find a place in the surrounding areas outside the city, but we may have to rent something in the meantime. I trust him explicitly but I am afraid he might rush into something we won't be happy with.
He had gotten a lot better about his anger outbursts but they seem to be coming back. I've tried different tactics to deal with that and he was understanding of the fact that I will walk away when he insults me. He seems to be losing patience.
He is the one who found this website and introduce me to the program. At first I was reluctant but I followed everything. I even filled out some of the questionnaires. Now he seems to have stopped reading it. I am afraid he might feel forgiving wasn't the right decision, I don't know.