This program is not about forgiving, it's about Just Compensation. There is a huge difference.

See if he'll sign up to post.

allgoodthings,

You wrote, The last time I spoke to him was last December when he sent me a message after visiting my husband telling me he wished he could have seen me too.

Did your H know about your EA at that time? When did your H find out? It sounds like his discovery is recent. Your H should not be friends with OM anymore, even seeing OM will trigger your BH.

I think you understand that part of your BHs problem is that this was a double betrayal his wife and friend.

BH may also feel stupid for allowing it to happen and misjudging his friends character.

Gamma

Why won't you change your phone number so OM can't contact you again.

Please read this What is Just Compensation?

No, he didn't know at the time, he found out a little later. They are not friends anymore. And I think he knew his friend's character, he just didn't think I'd be so stupid.

allgood,

Ok so it's been a little more than 6 months since your last contact, it normally takes at least 2 years for the betrayed spouse to recover, with time thrown in for details. Your BH is in the early stages still.

How far away does the OM live?

Since the OM does not live far away, from what you wrote, your BH may be having a very difficult time believing it was not physical.

Gamma

allgood,

Understand that your recovery clock may have started much earlier than your BHs. You've come out of the fog and are ready to start life again at the same time your BH is descending into hell.

Gamma

Yes. The OM works out of state and then comes back for a few months. He lives about an hour away. It would be logistically very difficult for me to see him and it's not like I want to. My H is convinced it was physical too and I can't convince him it was not. He says he doesn't believe anything I say, even though I took a polygraph which was very thorough and I was honest. He has a friend who keeps telling him I'm not worth it and he should leave and I think he may have also convinced him that I probably had more affairs and slept with other men. It's not true. I've been lying to him and protecting myself but when I took that polygraph I was prepared to answer everything truthfully no matter the consequence. He says I've killed the love and only would consider staying together for the sake of our son. I feel like I want to die.
He says I need to get on this forum and do everything I'm supposed to do. Follow all the steps and leave the old me behind. I deleted my Facebook page today but I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

I tried but we have a family plan and my BH is the primary so he has to be with me.

Can you get on to the online account and request the change?

Would your husband be willing to start his own thread?

I don't know the password but I told my husband and he says he's not worried about that.

I'm sure he would. He's in a dark place right now. He's dealing with being lied to for 6 years and he sees the person that I am or was. I don't know anymore. I don't think he's worried about the OM contacting me anymore he's dealing with the deceit and doesn't believe anything I say. He wants to see action, an actaul change in my behavior. He wants to see more accountability, honesty and humbleness. He wants me to admit to myself that although I may have not realized it at first what I did wasn't innocent and was on purpose. I know it started as an innocent friendship, someone to listen and nothing more but at some point I realized it was wrong and I continued to do it. I convinced myself he deserved it for the way he had been in the past although by then he had changed immensely. I harbored resentment and I used it as fuel to do things I knew I shouldn't have been doing. He didn't deserve it and he has never done anything like that to me.
I struggle with the feeling that everything he asks of me is a demand to exert control over me or to punish me and I get very defensive because I feel we can't recover if we keep going down that road. I walk away when the conversation turns unpleasant for me instead of finding a way to apeace him. And by the time I realize it it's to late, I've already pushed him over the edge.

allgood, While you shouldn't tolerate abuse, a lot of the problem stems from your defensiveness and your tendency to blame your husband. For example, in your initial post, you started off citing his wrongs and carefully sequed into your affair. The affair "innocently" started because you were talking about your husbands bad behavior to others. You do a lot of qualifying and justifying and that can only fuel your husbands anger. You need to stop doing that. For instance, in the above post you said:


There is nothing "innocent" about a married woman having personal conversations with a married man about her husband. That is inappropriate behavior for a married woman. Surely you can recognize now that this is how affairs begin?

My suggestion to you is to stop qualifying, justifying and defending. I know you carefully couch your justifications with "I know it was wrong" but saying that does not negate the fact that you just justified the unjustifiable. And more importantly, people who are truly sorry, don't tend to cite the bad behavior of OTHERS.

I sense that you mean well but you have to understand that you have operated with a wayward mind for 6 years. It won't go away overnight. But you can start by eliminating all the defensiveness, justifications and rationalizations. That is not helping your husband recover.


What specifically is he asking of you that is "controlling?"

You are absolutely right. I've operated under justifications and defended my actions through excuses. I didn't want to believe what a piece of s I was being. There are no excuses I acted inappropriately and selfishly. He's a protecting caring and loving husband. I should have communicated my feelings rather that doing what I did. He used to be my best friend and I want that back. My pride and inability to think about feelings other than mine put us where we are now and it is my responsibility to fix it.

What do you see as controlling?

Have you signed up for the coaching program?

you asked
What specifically is he asking of you that is "controlling?"

When he asked me how I felt about moving I told him I will move but I also expressed my reservations. Big city, starting all over at a new job, etc.
His words where that this marriage will be how he wants it to be. I can't demand anything or disagree with anything because from now on he will do what he wants and I will do what he tells me. There is no room for negotiation.
Basically every time I disagree with something he brings up the affair and how I've been and I have no right to have my way.
I totally understand how he feels. But if we are going to follow this program we both have to make concerted efforts. Every conversation ends up about the affair, the lies and that I'm a b*** and a piece of s****
He says he forgives me but things are going to be his way.
He's probably right. They should have been his way. I violated his trust and with that any privileged.

No I haven't. How do I do that?

Tell your husband that you want to change numbers so that the OM isn't able to contact you again.