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Okay, this is tough on my phone, but...
Please let's not talk anymore about my reference to Mel's post. My post is being misinterpreted. I agree with everything clarified about her post, I just wasn't thinking on that scale, not even remembering a tenth of what I'm accused of applying. Please forget I posted it.
I've read yours and all the other posts and have already started "programming" my head to think that way. I have only one question. I'm getting very mixed messages on whether to post about Remark's actions. You specifically said no. Others have said I should post his DJ's weekly, but then it seemed like no one was even reading them. I've been told it's very helpful for me to post my perspective, then had it rejected because the forum isn't here to tell Remark to do what I want (something like that, damn tiny phone.) I've been here regularly, I've been absent for weeks. So can you (as a group) clarify what you want from me on the forum? My recommendation would be to print and fill out the following Love Buster form; http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/Love_Busters_Q_Hers.pdfGive a completed form to Remark each week, and then HE can post it to his own thread. Ask him to do the same for you. That way, we can focus on each of you on your own thread. In fact, you two may want to go through each of the questionnaires; http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4500_resource.htmlPrioritize eliminating Love Busters, and getting UA done properly. As you begin to have pleasant UA and eliminating Love Busters, hone in on each other's top 3-5 ENs. My wife and I did both the LB and EN sheets WEEKLY for a few months, then monthly.... then every few months.... and now maybe once a year. This will help you become experts in avoiding LBs and meeting each others' ENS. Well put.  Thank you, HHH.
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I've been told it's very helpful for me to post my perspective, then had it rejected because the forum isn't here to tell Remark to do what I want (something like that, damn tiny phone.) I've been here regularly, I've been absent for weeks. So can you (as a group) clarify what you want from me on the forum? Can you post your perspective without being disrespectful to Remark's perspective? The first time I knew I was making progress was when my Marriage Builders "mentor," HerPapaBear, told me that he noticed I was talking about my complaints about my wife without being disrespectful toward her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't know if I can, to be honest. I certainly would if I knew how. I seem to have a difficult time distinguishing the difference, apparently. And then, of course, there's determining what I should share my perspective on and what I shouldn't.
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It doesn't seem that hard to me:
When Remark spends time on his apartment, I feel abandoned and uncared for. Tada. One sentence. Nothing about what he is thinking when he is doing it, just a succinct sentence about what he is doing and how it affects you. Period.
Last edited by hopefulwife47; 06/30/15 04:45 PM.
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Okay, that's simple enough. And this one? Btw, he's not posting tonight -- not because he doesn't have internet access -- but because an old college friend was in town and he met up with him for a few hours.Nero's fiddle once again. (DJ) Why is only the last few words the DJ? And if it really is the entire paragraph, should I not have posted it either? Just post nothing, as HHH said?
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When I heard nothing from him last night, I felt alone and abandoned.
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When I heard nothing from him last night, I felt alone and abandoned. Um, sort of, except I did hear from him when he told me he was going to meet up with his friend.
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Btw, couldn't this all be summed with: "Because of my perspective of the direness of our situation, combined with the lack of progress for so long, I feel completely hopeless and alone in trying to save this marriage if he does ANYTHING in his spare (non-work, non-sleep) time besides focus on Harley."
Then both instructions are accomplished. I've stated my perspective without being disrespectful of his (I think), and there's no need to post about the individual actions.
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That sounds a little wordy to me, but I'll let the old timers chime in.
I'm curious how did that conversation go when he told you he was going to meet up with his friend? I'm not sure if he called, text or emailed you that information. I would have said,
When you go off with a friend instead of going on a date with me, I feel alone and sad. It makes me feel hopeless about our marriage.
Then listen to what he says. If he starts making excuses about how the friend is only there for a short time or that you don't want to spend time with him anyway, then say your behavior is making me feel unloved and hang up the phone. What Remark should do if you say that is, "Ok, I'm cancelling my friend, let us go out to your favorite place to eat."
Now part of this whole problem is that you have not communicated and come up with 20 to more like 30 hours of dates with him. These should be on the calendar with the two of you.
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Btw, he's not posting tonight -- not because he doesn't have internet access -- but because an old college friend was in town and he met up with him for a few hours.Nero's fiddle once again. (DJ) Why is only the last few words the DJ? And if it really is the entire paragraph, should I not have posted it either? "Nero's fiddle one again" is a very sarcastic statement. Sarcasm is a disrespectful judgement. Your posts about your husband are riddled with such statements. You must learn to complain without adding any value judgement to your complaint. "It bothers me for Remark to spend the evening with his college friend rather than working on our marriage" is completely different than "Nero's fiddle once again."
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Btw, couldn't this all be summed with: "Because of my perspective of the direness of our situation, combined with the lack of progress for so long, I feel completely hopeless and alone in trying to save this marriage if he does ANYTHING in his spare (non-work, non-sleep) time besides focus on Harley."
Then both instructions are accomplished. I've stated my perspective without being disrespectful of his (I think), and there's no need to post about the individual actions. That's pretty good. It's not that you can't post about specific situations, btw. It's that you must remain respectful while doing so. Anytime you use sarcasm, for instance, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you try to read his mind, and say what he is thinking or feeling, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you use hyperbole, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you try to educate him, you are being disrespectful. It's a tricky lovebuster to overcome, but if I can do it, then anybody can. Listen when posters tell you something is disrespectful, and you'll learn a lot. You can also learn to recognize it by listening to the radio show regularly -- it's easier to spot in other people than it is to see in ourselves.
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I don't know if I can, to be honest. I certainly would if I knew how. I seem to have a difficult time distinguishing the difference, apparently. And then, of course, there's determining what I should share my perspective on and what I shouldn't. I couldn't either, for a very long time. But I learned how!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That sounds a little wordy to me, but I'll let the old timers chime in.
I'm curious how did that conversation go when he told you he was going to meet up with his friend? I'm not sure if he called, text or emailed you that information. I would have said,
When you go off with a friend instead of going on a date with me, I feel alone and sad. It makes me feel hopeless about our marriage.
Then listen to what he says. If he starts making excuses about how the friend is only there for a short time or that you don't want to spend time with him anyway, then say your behavior is making me feel unloved and hang up the phone. What Remark should do if you say that is, "Ok, I'm cancelling my friend, let us go out to your favorite place to eat."
Now part of this whole problem is that you have not communicated and come up with 20 to more like 30 hours of dates with him. These should be on the calendar with the two of you. Maybe wordy but I would only have to say it once and it would offset all the wordiness required to itemize each thing individually. The discussion was basically him emailing me about his friend coming into town and what he wanted to do, then sending me a text as he was going to meet him, followed by "ok?" He has expressed to me that he feels since we are separated, he can do what he wants on his time. He also says he has eliminated all IB. So I don't feel comfortable offering my feelings under the circumstances. I fear I would come off as confrontational/negative since my response would not be an EA.
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Btw, he's not posting tonight -- not because he doesn't have internet access -- but because an old college friend was in town and he met up with him for a few hours.Nero's fiddle once again. (DJ) Why is only the last few words the DJ? And if it really is the entire paragraph, should I not have posted it either? "Nero's fiddle one again" is a very sarcastic statement. Sarcasm is a disrespectful judgement. Your posts about your husband are riddled with such statements. You must learn to complain without adding any value judgement to your complaint. "It bothers me for Remark to spend the evening with his college friend rather than working on our marriage" is completely different than "Nero's fiddle once again." i just thought it was a point of reference. I never heard of it before yesterday, had to look it up. Point noted.
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Btw, couldn't this all be summed with: "Because of my perspective of the direness of our situation, combined with the lack of progress for so long, I feel completely hopeless and alone in trying to save this marriage if he does ANYTHING in his spare (non-work, non-sleep) time besides focus on Harley."
Then both instructions are accomplished. I've stated my perspective without being disrespectful of his (I think), and there's no need to post about the individual actions. That's pretty good. It's not that you can't post about specific situations, btw. It's that you must remain respectful while doing so. Anytime you use sarcasm, for instance, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you try to read his mind, and say what he is thinking or feeling, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you use hyperbole, you are being disrespectful. Anytime you try to educate him, you are being disrespectful. It's a tricky lovebuster to overcome, but if I can do it, then anybody can. Listen when posters tell you something is disrespectful, and you'll learn a lot. You can also learn to recognize it by listening to the radio show regularly -- it's easier to spot in other people than it is to see in ourselves. I suspect that's true, once you're able to identify them. Apparently I'm not able to yet. It would help in my future (minimal) posts if they were pointed out to me specifically, perhaps with an explanation why and an alternative. Saying my posts are riddled with them doesn't help me identify them. I'm fine without posting the specific situations. My feelings are the same regardless of the various scenarios.
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Saying my posts are riddled with them doesn't help me identify them. Start with avoiding the specific things I mentioned. - Don't be sarcastic - Don't assume what he is thinking or feeling - Don't hyperbole - Don't educate him
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The 30 hours of dates is going to be a problem. I'm not interested in that right now. I do not feel safe with him. I'm more inclined at this point to do plan B. So, from that perspective, if a couple were trying to come out of plan B, would they be expected to jump right into 30 hours together?? I was thinking one simple date a week to start, maybe dinner or walking the dog.
Of course, this is all contingent on what Steve Harley says re: Remark and his family.
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Saying my posts are riddled with them doesn't help me identify them. Start with avoiding the specific things I mentioned. - Don't be sarcastic - Don't assume what he is thinking or feeling - Don't hyperbole - Don't educate him of course, but that assumes I recognize when I'm doing those things.
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You need a lot of positive experiences together to rebuild the love banks. So 30 hours are necessary.
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of course, but that assumes I recognize when I'm doing those things. You will have to do what the rest of us had to do and start paying attention to yourself. I'm not asking you to do something I didn't have to do myself.
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