I would suggest you stop trying to persuade your wife to save your marriage, and start focusing yourself on making massive love bank deposits and completely eliminating love bank withdrawals. This is a situation a lot of men have faced; many women don't want to be educated about the odds of saving a marriage, but after their husbands get them to fall in love with them their feelings turn completely around.

It's the approach I had to take, and it worked!

Before we go too much further, did you listen to yesterday's Marriage Builders Radio show, and are you going to listen to today's?

Don't have relationship talks with her. Instead, invite her out on a date. Love bank deposits!

Maybe this is stating the obvious, but your wife must have expected that the act of entering into a legal marriage three months ago would result an improved relationship, and was disappointed when nothing actually changed.

Another comment:

In order to save your marriage, you need to get so close to her wife that it would be impossible for her to have an affair without your knowledge. You need to study her, know everything about her, be with her during all of her down time. Get close to her!

There is a good chance she will be annoyed with you getting that close, but even women who are deeply in love are sometimes annoyed with their husbands.

Tell her you don't want to talk about divorce or separating. Then ask her out on a date.

IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, DON'T HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HER ABOUT DIVORCE. Your wife does NOT want to save your marriage, so don't just do whatever she wants or talk about whatever she wants.

It's also fine if she says no. Just tell her you'll miss her, not the same without her, send her a pic and a wish you were here text.

DON'T MOVE OUT AND DON'T DISCUSS MOVING OUT, okay?

There's no point to us working with you if you are going to move out or you are going to keep discussing divorce, separation, financial arrangements, etc., so can we get your commitment that you won't do this any more?


No man ever saved his marriage by dramatically insisting he was sorry.

Instead, he changed it by following the Marriage Builders plan.

The biggest problem I see is that you don't really know the Marriage Builders plan, and so you can't follow it.


Her talking to you is great. Listen and be supportive. Have lots of conversation with her - become the person that she can confide in about her problems. The conversation itself will make love bank deposits, so this is how you can get your wife to fall back in love with you.


This is an easy problem to solve for those who use the Marriage Builders plan. Your wife has a high emotional need for family commitment, so you schedule fifteen hours a week spending time with her and her children. Start suggesting times and activities. How old are the stepsons?


She's right. She has to look after her own happiness, because you are not doing it.

Start following the plan here, because that will make her happy. You have to become her greatest source of happiness.


You don't need her to do any MB stuff.

Ask her to do MB after you have learned the MB plan and she is in love with you again.

With the MB plan you can get your wife to fall in love with you again even without her agreeing to follow the plan. Got it? But to do that you'll have to make love bank deposits and not love bank withdrawals, so stop having depressing conversations with her about divorce, separation, and relationship issues. Start building a lifestyle that makes her happy - 30 hours a week with her, 15 hours a week with her and her children.


She is exactly right. It is up to you to save your marriage, now, if you want to keep it. You will have to go through a monumental effort to prime the pump. Do you feel like putting forth a LOT of effort? Do you feel like listening to us more than talking to us, and then following through on the instructions? Do you feel like trusting the advice here and following it completely, making no exceptions whatsoever because your marriage is on the line?


No.

Got the radio app and have listed to yesterday and todays.

So, in terms of respecting her decision and not trying to convince her, how does doing things for her work exactly? Like, today I chose to make her breakfast, and left a note for her describing one of the things I love about her, this morning before she woke up and left it for her as I went for an early walk. (Yes I invited her before; she refused). When I returned she had eaten it and later thanked me.

IF she wants me to let go, and it makes her feel guilty, Have I made a deposit or a withdrawal?

What if she insists on selling the house? How do I refuse that?

I just want to say appreciate everyone offering their advice. I know I have made poor choices and am taking responsibility for my neglectful behavior.

It is very challenging trying to know in the moment just what the right thing to do is when you are dealing with shock, sleep deprivation, and a churning panic inside.

I am trying to focus on staying positive, and finding as many opportunities to do and say things that will meet her EN and to avoid anything that will be a LB.

Anyway, I am trying my best to absorb everything and stay resolute even though I know she is equally determined to be separated one way or the other.

If I refuse to leave then that creates extra stress for her and I know she can and will move out. It's a dilema

That is an awesome question, Greg, and I think every husband should know the answer.

The answer is it is a deposit! It's very common for a wife to be annoyed as her husband begins to make deposits. His account in her Love Bank is still in the red, so her feelings toward him are still negative. For my wife it was a little bit like trying to get close to a (very cute) porcupine. But do continue to try to do affectionate and caring things for her, and try to improve at this constantly.

I asked if you feel like making a monumental effort - do you have an answer?

I also asked if we can get your commitment that you won't move out or discuss divorce, separation, financial arrangements, etc. any more. Do you have an answer?

Ask her where she wants to move to and start trying to make plans to move with her. If she insists that she meant for you to move somewhere separate, say "Oh, no, I don't want to do that. I love you and I want to be married to you." Then express admiration for her - find a few things about her to admire.

If she wants to sell the house or get a divorce nobody can stop her from doing that, and she doesn't need your cooperation. She just needs to see a lawyer. But don't tell her that. Don't even talk to her about it. Let her figure that out on her own if that's what she wants. It's not your job to cooperate in terminating your marriage. She's the one who wants to do that, not you. So you just cheerfully don't go along with it, cheerfully don't discuss it, and cheerfully talk about something else.

That is fine if that is what she wants to do. Let it be on her.

By the way, you need to start snooping to see if there is someone else in her life. You need to get so close to her and know so much about her that she could not possibly have an affair without your knowledge.

Every husband has to do this to some extent.

Don't skip this step. You have to do the whole program.

You might consider seeing your doctor and having something prescribed to help even out the emotional highs and lows so you can stay rational and stick to the plan. I think you should also see about having something done for the sleep deprivation. You need everything within you to execute this plan and put forth the monumental effort that it takes to win a woman back. You need to be at your best. You need your sleep, and you need to be in control of your emotions. If you can't do that on your own, definitely see a doctor.

You need to find out the truth so you can call it quits if there's an affair. That's a perfectly acceptable decision to make. You need to find out.

Hi Marcos

Thanks for feedback. It made me laughed. Almost forgotten what that's like

Ill try and answer your questions.

Yes i am going to commit to stay in house and not discuss seperation, divorce, or settlement.

I am going to make a monumental effort.

Snooping - i have done some but I would need access to her phone to check further which I think is too risky. Im not even sure i know her password anyway.

I am exercising twice a day. I def recommend the combination of stress hormones, loss of appetite, and exercise in any serious weight loss program. Lost 5kg

Make the monumental effort required to get in there and check. I believe there are some great suggestions in the Investigate 101 forum here.

Why are you boys always so keen to move out? There's being a gentleman, and there's being a kamikaze. It would take a team of ninjas to get me out of the marital home if my husband suddenly got cool on me.

You've got a much better chance of meeting her needs in the same house. Besides you also run the risk of her moving someone else in. If you were lovebusting her or subjecting her to angry outbursts then Dr H would probably agree that you should go. But it doesn't sound like that at all.

You are the only soldier in this battle. Look after yourself.

I think this is awesome advice because house hunting is fun. You could really paint a picture of your future together that she would be forced to mull over.

It's also a great way to sneakily meet loads of neeeds. A bigger place for FS a beach house for RC etc...