Absolutely. And you are justified to question that. We have been there. If you have a desire to save your marriage this program has the elements to do that.

You are reeling and justifiably so. This is perhaps the more difficult time of life, finding out the one you thought you could trust behaved in a manner that erodes or destroys trust"

As you will learn in this process TRUST ( openness and honesty) is developed / rebuilt over time. You will hold your wife accountable. And if she is serious about saving the relationship will agree and welcome that accountability.

You will require a much higher standard from her than ever before, and that is all in the name of protecting your marriage. She will adopt as will you new ways of behaving. Since you are the offended party she has a higher degree of accountability at this point to demonstrate to you that she is willing to do what is required to not only save but improve your marriage. Over time you will both enter into a higher level of responsibility and commit to meet each others needs.

But for now you need to focus on getting your head back together. You have been run over by a the bus of betrayal. But there is more than you and her involved. There is a young life that is depending on the two of you to get your act together to bring her up on a stable and loving environment.

The time to make decisions is looming. Does the lady want to invest and build a relationship and do you? Because the wandering eye and party time is going to change, and so will anything else that detracts from building on your marriage. It takes desire, work and discipline from what I can see.

So fasten your seat belt and take the ride. The folks here have years of experience and can propel you along the path to recovery should you be up for the journey.

In saying all that I get it. What you are going through sucks. But it will get better. I did not believe it at first but I am better today than I was then. Difficulties can bring focus on things that need to change. Hang in there. These folks really do care about helping your marriage improve.

Yahoo,

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. I've been betrayed also but I can't imagine the OM being a close friend let alone someone I had served in combat with and someone who had saved my life. One betrayal is hard enough but you are dealing with two very difficult ones and you are in my prayers.

Historical honesty is a pre-requisite of the MB program we advocate here. You have a lot of questions and for good reason, and you can expect to have those answered if you choose to try to recover the marriage according to this program. It's great that you and your wife are posting here so we can help guide you and hold both of you accountable to following the program.

This might be too soon but I'm just going to be blunt with you.

At this stage in the process the insecurities feed on you like vultures on a carcass. Adultery causes very real PTSD in the betrayed spouse, and in your shock all of these thoughts about inadequacy come in and chew you up at your weakest moment. It's very common for men I've seen here to project whatever they notice about the OM onto themselves as a shortcoming, whether that is physique, lifestyle or personality.

But I'm going to tell you something. Washboard abs are not rocket science, it's not something to feel cowered by. I'm at my gym working out 5 or 6 days a week and there's plenty of guys there with washboard abs that don't have what you have (and OM doesn't have for that matter) which is integrity. You are a GOOD man, which is why your wife wants to fix this.

People value things based on how hard they are to come by or how difficult to obtain. Washboard abs are on the low end of that scale. A strict diet and an hour a day can get nearly anyone that.

But a man of integrity is very hard to find, and integrity is not something you can get on any diet or at the gym. There's no GNC supplement or 12 week program for integrity. It takes a lifetime to earn and only a few minutes to destroy. It's precious, fragile, priceless and inextricable from who you are. It's so very valuable and yet nobody can take it from you without your consent. Compared to washboard abs, it's the Ace of Spades.

Integrity is what guides you and why you were even open enough to come here and try this. A lot of people in your shoes don't have that type of integrity and they just implode and act recklessly. But you have integrity which is why you will be absolutely fine no matter what you decide to do here.

Let me tell you what's probably going to happen to OM. He sounds a lot like a guy I knew. My dad's biological father was like him. Decorated WWII vet, good looking guy, smart, fit, charming, etc. And no boundaries, abandoned my father very young, serial cheater. Great life when he was young but he died alone and my father (along with many others) never forgave him. He had everything going for him but had the integrity of grave robber and now nobody cares about any of that other stuff he did.

Whatever you think OM has on you as a man, you can close the gap on any of that. The program here will help you figure out how to be the most attractive and pleasing man to your wife possible. And if you really want washboard abs, that's very easy compared to many of the behavioral problems men here struggle with.

But what you have, OM will never be able to close the gap on. He's never going to be made of the stuff that you're made of, and I promise you he hasn't the slightest clue on how to go about getting what you have that makes your wife want to keep you.

He's not even playing in the same league that you are. He couldn't even carry your jockstrap. You're the real deal and he's just an empty head with a six pack.

As someone else mentioned, it's not uncommon for a betrayed spouse to ask their wayward spouse to take a polygraph to prove they are being honest.

In fact, a few years ago when I confessed porn usage to my wife, I offered to take a polygraph test so she could confirm that I was being honest that there were only two occasions and I was not hiding anything else.

That would probably be a good idea here to set you at ease if you want.


Trust is a feeling that has to be created. Your wife can create that feeling in you after about two years of the right effort. It has been Dr. Harley's experience that, if couples follow his plan, they start to feel trust again in about two years or so, sometimes earlier. They usually are quite happy with their marriage much sooner, actually - they fix the marriage, become happy, and the feeling of trust comes later.


I think MelodyLane and Prisca (my wife) posted a list of extraordinary precautions from Dr. Harley you and your wife will need to follow. If these are followed, you can be assured that it will be impossible for her to have another affair. If they are not followed, you probably should not try to recover your marriage.


I don't want to get too repetitive or too silly, but abs can be created, too, if you want. I don't think Dr. Harley has a step for that in his plan, believe it or not, but it's a pretty well known phenomenon.


Now that is entirely for you to decide, Yahoo. Dr. Harley's position is that we don't tell someone whether or not they should keep their marriage when they've found out their spouse has been unfaithful. EVEN IF she wants to do everything in the world to make it up to you and wants to follow this marriage recovery plan perfectly to the letter, if you want to walk away, that is still certainly your right, and nobody here will judge you for it. A lot of people who go through what you have just been through find that after a little bit of time, when they've been able to recover a bit, that for them they feel it makes sense to try to recover their marriage if possible and if their unfaithful spouse is willing. The plan here can do it.

Well my wife really wants to mend our relationship so do I so let's start.

I'm a sucker for abs, too. But markos didn't win me back with his abs.

You don't have to have great abs to save your marriage, even if she loves them.

Markos is creating them now for me, because I like them so much. But he doesn't have to have great abs to keep me from straying, or to have a wonderful marriage. It's just icing on the cake.

The list of extraordinary precautions is what creates the affair-proof marriage. If you decide you want to save this marriage, this plan will give you the safe, affair-proof marriage that you need. Even without abs.

Okay, the first thing you need to do is go through that checklist I posted for you. What has been done? What is left to do?

You probably need to set up a polygraph test to put any fears to rest.

You also need to get the book Surviving an Affair and start reading through it.

Do you think that should go to Eastern Europe and find a blond woman half her age with long thick hair? Yes I wrote the letter melody suggested and watched various videos Dr. Harley work is legendary. Maybe it's the medication talking since I do feel high, but why not go out and find a naughty rambunctious girl. The wife can have the house it's hers anyway including that bucket of bolts car. Shivers go up my spine as I think of MR.E and his wife cheating on him after 30 years. Feeling ambivalent it's either leave the woman I love and live in misery or find a young hyper bad girl with long hair while I'm young... forget the abs. Anyone have any advice?

Yahoo, you can do whatever you want, but if you want to keep your marriage, you need to avoid talk like that. And if you want to date some other girl, you need to get a divorce. Do you feel that will make you happy?

No, it's not either leave or other girl. It's either stay or divorce and other girl.

An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.

Yahoo, what time is it where you live? Get some sleep, okay? Come back tomorrow.

12:23 am

Okay, it's after 1 here - we should both be in bed. Get some sleep!

In the morning, read this:

We do happily ever after here at Marriage Builders. If you want the version of happily ever after with your wife, we can help you achieve that. If you want the version of happily ever after without your wife, we can help you with that instead.

But being with some other woman while married to your wife is not going to lead to happily ever after for you, so that's off the table around here. You would not believe some of the situations we've seen on this board, and heard Dr. Harley address on his radio show. We've seen it - that route doesn't lead to happiness.

I have loads of advice to drop on you.

Do you know why my wife had another affair 30 years later? The answer is simple, really. It is because we did nothing to prevent it. We did not take precautions to make a recurrence impossible. I should have seen the second affair coming if I had been paying attention. Instead, I actually encouraged my wife to be friendly with her male supervisor! So, guess what? The same thing happened a second time.

One of the things you have to do in recovery is take a look at the conditions that made the affair possible, and then eliminate them. My wife can never again work for a male supervisor. Her supervisor now is female. That is the way it has to be.

Now, let's look at your situation. You thought it was safe to allow a close personal male friend to be alone with your wife. That is risky behavior. Don't do stuff like that! Also, don't confuse foggy behavior with real emotional needs. I am certain your wife has a need for physical attractiveness, but I strongly suspect that this washboard abs obsession was just foggy behavior associated with her waywardism. This is common. It took me six months to pull my wife out of that pit after her affair was over. How did I do it? I tried to be her rock. I tried to stay constant while everything else was changing. Did I succeed? Not really, but I did well enough that she learned to rely on me again to meet all of her emotional needs exclusively.

Now, how do you think our marriage is now? We are very much in love, but we are far from complacent. We watch each other like hawks. I view my marriage like the two of us are buddy-swimming together in life. We have to look out for each other so neither of us drowns. If one of us should start drowning, then the other shares fault for not lifeguarding well enough.

You know, she does. When she first showed up here I thought she was a hit-and-runner. We commonly get wayward wives showing up here and the minute we tell them to do something hard, like radical honesty, we never see them again. Most waywards stick to a hard policy of denial up to the point of doom - even those caught in the act. One guy told his wife she was hallucinating him in bed with another woman and that's not uncommon.

She screwed up her courage to be honest because she loves you. And if she can be honest about something as bad as this, she can in the future be honest about any and all shortcomings without being afraid of looking bad. If she becomes radically honest with you, another affair would be impossible.

As for the bachelorette behaviour - no it's not good for a marriage at all but society encourages it. (just as it encourages 'kind' lies) Was it ever something you said had to end and that you wouldn't stand for? I am sure she is willing to put a stop to behaviour like that now, in any case.

It's also worth knowing that PA is not an 'intimate' need. Yeah people with a PA need might notice someone attractive - but you can't fall for someone without the intimate needs - conversation, affection, recreation being met and that requires time. Time she should be spending with you. It's not a roving eye that causes affairs - it's friendships which cause affairs. Your wife allowed a friend too close. That's not to say that a roving eye is OK -it's not.

If you both eliminate OS friendships (as well as gawking) you will affair proof your marriage.


Pull the other one. People who threaten things never do things. If you were going to do this, you would do it, instead of just threatening to do so where your wife can read it. You know you have every right to divorce you don't have to paint a picture of whatever (seriously) bad decisions you might make afterwards.

If you wish to encourage your wife in a habit of radical honesty - don't punish her when she does it.

It's normal to not know for sure entirely what you want to do. However your marriage is too vulnerable right now for such specific threats and transparent punishments to inspire jealousy.

If you want options, don't shoot them down.

Really like Dr. Harley work it's true cheating before marriage isn't cheating! Also like the idea of vigilance, but are there malicious people out there?

Have you thought about writing Dr. Harley? It might help to hear him tell you there is hope for an even better marriage.

And yes there are malicious people (sounds like this OM is one). But I'm not sure what that has to do with marital recovery.

Get focused and get ADs, if your current one isn't working after a few weeks talk to your doctor.

Focus on the steps in the Plan for Recovery. Expose the affair to family and friends. Eliminate contact with the OM (new phone numbers, emails, move if rnecessary). Also eliminate contact with people who don't support the marriage.
Create 100% transparency
Eliminate OS friends so neither of you can have an Affair.
Build a romantic marriage with 20+ hours per week of undivided attention time that is fun(no relationship discussions during this time)
Eliminate all Love busters.

It may help you to do the online program with a coach to help y'all through this difficult time.

Hi Yahoo,

It has been a long time since I've posted here, but I felt compelled to write to you.

I am a former wayward wife. I messed up big time. While my husband and I were recovering from my affair, I discovered he was having a revenge affair with my best friend.

I understand, unfortunately, both sides of infidelity. I understand the pain your wife is in (and she IS in pain) and I understand your pain too.

The good news is that my husband and I made it. I continue to read and educate myself on this website, and I continue to maintain high boundaries and extraordinary precautions to keep this from happening again.

No one would judge you if you decide you want out of your marriage. But I am here to tell you that marriage builders does work if you commit to doing it.

Take care Yahoo.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair?