My wife, for example, wants to hang out with her friends and participate in other extracirricular activities because it's something that she gains fulfillment from. But, when she does those things, I'm often left feeling alone and less of a priority in her life since she's spending less time with me and more time with other people. I don't see how we can follow the Policy in this case... In the past, we've tried setting limits to the amount of times she would hang out or do activities, but that makes both of us resentful and makes me feel controlling; we've also tried making sure that WE hang out just as much as she hangs out with her friends and does activities, but then we're just keeping score. When I say "we've", I mean these are ideas that we both mutually came up with, but in the end they don't seem to work.

There are some things we have in common though: exercising, movies, eating out... See, it's hard to me to make this list.

If you were both each others favourite companion you wouldn't want to socialise apart from each other.

Under PoJA you can't wuss out from sharing your real feelings by calling it controlling. A key part of this plan is Radical Honesty - and expecting our spouses to respect our feelings.

Those are two ideas for your four x four weekly dates without even trying! You could work out together every Monday, eat out on Tuesday. Movies don't count as UA time but you could add them on as extra.

If you were dating, you would find time to give each other your undivided attention, or you would not be dating very long. Can you imagine dating someone who would bring their children along on every date, or would have you over only if you would help fix up the house or pay some bills.

Courtship determines how good you are at meeting each other's most important emotional needs, such as conversation, affection, and recreational companionship. You married each other because you proved your ability at meeting some of those needs. But now that you're married, you may fail to meet them because you don't take the time to meet them. What a tragedy!

Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112 - 113

What about Resentment?

One of the most common objections to the POJA is that it creates
resentment when it�s followed. I agree; it does usually create some
resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed.
An illustration will help make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn�t accept Sam�s invitation,
George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something
because of Sue�s objections, I call his resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest Love Bank withdrawals:
type A or type B? The answer is type A, and that�s why the POJA
helps build Love Bank balances. I�ll explain.

When George violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel
the effect of the thoughtless decision (Love Bank withdrawals) for
as long as memory persists�possibly for life whenever the event is
recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is
limited in time. It lasts only as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable
alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection
but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn�t invited to watch
football and doesn�t want to invite herself to Sam�s house, so she
suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football.
George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts
an end to George�s type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops
the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those
with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference
because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may
feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in
their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully,
unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to
them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating
type A resentment.

Another issue we have is that I'm more open with my feelings and I share them more often. I may not be the best at expressing them in a nice manner. So, it really just sounds like I'm complaining about her -- and that I'm complaining about her a lot. Meanwhile, I think I'm being "Radically Honest" about my emotions. I hate feeling that I'm ever holding something in, that she doesn't know how I feel, which is why I always tell her how I feel. I never want to make her feel bad, but when I do tell her, she feels put down by it. How do you mesh that with the Radical Honesty?
.

Yes! Thank you so much. This answers my original question. That is exactly what I didn't understand. I thought that following the PoJA would cause resentment... but that explains it perfectly. Ahhh, wow. That's like a mind blowing experience right there.

Can you give us an exmple of how you phrase your complaints?

Also - does she check in with you to see if it would bother you before any decision?

Do you do the same with her?

I think it's highly unlikely you are so different or incompatible because at one time you were spending 15 hours a week totally focused on each other - you must have been or you would never fallen in love.

Making un-PoJA'd decisions creates incompatibility. Making PoJAd decisions would mean you are both happy about every decision - and compatible.

Type A resentment (enduring something unwanted) and Type B resentment (not getting something you want) applies here:



Un-PoJA'd decisions are like a one-armed coat for a two armed man. If there are two of you - the decision must fit BOTH halves of the couple. If it doesn't - toss it out and keep looking for another coat, a two armed coat, you both like.

We're not spending 15 hours per week. Five, roughly? One of the things we love about each other, is that we're so different from each other, but, sometimes it does cause conflict. We don't share a lot in common. She likes dancing and singing (karaoke, for example) which I get way too embarrassed to do. There are some things we have in common though: exercising, movies, eating out... See, it's hard to me to make this list.

She likes dancing and singing (karaoke, for example) which I get way too embarrassed to do. There are some things we have in common though: exercising, movies, eating out... See, it's hard to me to make this list.

I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.

Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice aka win/lose. It leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.