Yes. Definitely. I know for sure I engage in selfish demands and disrespectful judgments.

I tend to be condescending and sarcastic. I hate that I'm condescending. I've tried hard to fix that lately. I know that I don't always have the best ideas. My sarcasm... that's really just a bad habit.

I think I get the difference between being open and honest, and being outright rude. I don't want to hurt her...

There are some rules that apply here. Never do anything without your spouses enthusiastic agreement. You are not enthusiastic about her spending time with her friends, so that should not happen unless and until you find a solution. [perhaps you go on double dates with them a couple of times a year? I don't know]

The other issue with this is that if she enjoys that more than being with you, it hurts your relationship due to the contrast effect.

OK I think we've found our glitches. It's just phrased a little negatively and is actually phrased as a disrespectful judgement (these are the hardest things for newcomers to spot and learn - well it was for me anyway).

A disrespectful judgement is anything where you try to teach her what's right, or to evaluate her feelings. Only she can discuss her feelings. You've tried to phrase it the right way in the beginning - 'I feel' but you've then ruined it with the follow up about her feelings 'you don't love me'.

Being very sad or sounding sad is to be avoided because it creates an atmosphere of a selfish demand. A selfish demand anything that carries the implication that things will be unpleasant if she doesn't agree. Tearfulness or moodiness can do this.

Your lovebusters are very mild but even mild ones can ruin love. It's better to make it really, really super brief and to the point as opposed to teaching her about why something is wrong.

So for example:

"How would you feel about scheduling in our dates for the week on Sundays before we do anything else?"

"How would you feel about doing (insert activity) with me?"

As for her requests that bother you, I would say simply and cheerfully that it bothers you and you would really rather she didn't. It is imperative that you act as though of course she will respect your feelings (even if she doesn't at first) rather than a dialogue about how she doesn't and why.

I am the Queen of sarcasm - but I don't aim it at loved ones. Choose a different target!

Rufus, here is the problem. She is getting her fulfillment from outside of her marriage instead of inside. That is a huge problem. And because she enjoys being with her friends more than you, it creates a contrast effect that will be difficult to compete with. Dr. Harley would recommend that she STOP hanging out with them entirely and start creating a happy marriage.

Anything that comes BEFORE your marriage will eventually come between you, as you see happening now. So, your first mission is to sell her against spending all this time with her friends.

My suggestion would be to email Dr Harley and enlist his help. You can talk to him and he can help you persuade her. The instructions on how to reach him can be found here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Yes. She has said that I "tell her how she feels" many times... It's super difficult to know how to say it. I don't really get the difference, honestly. To me, it sounds like I'm talking about how I "felt" about her love towards me, not about how she "actually" loves me. I'll work on it though. I like the examples you gave me of how to say it instead. Thanks again for the help. I feel like this is really constructive.

In other words, it is not a good thing that she gets her fulfillment outside of her marriage. Do you realize that? That is not something you should support because it is harmful to your marriage.

Marriage Builders at its core is all about respect. When you listen to Dr Harley and his wife on the radio show, they demonstrate this. They can, and do, disagree but the disagreements are phrased in such a respectful way that neither feels defensive.

When there is no disrespect, each can be open and honest without fear. We women are very sensitive to disrespect, even minute eye rolling can do it.

Best is never to allow yourself even to have a disrespectful thought. This will take some practice. That way there is nothing for her to pick up on.

The thing is, I don't have an issue with her spending time with her friends, just that we don't spend time together. So, I think we've already talked here about the need for us to spend more time together. I think we'll definitely spend more time together and see what happens. She and I just had a discussion recently and she was totally willing to stop spending time with her friends, for the sake of the marriage. So, it's not that she's not willing to, or that her friends are more important to her than I am. Sorry if I made it seem that way. Her completely forsaking her friendships makes me feel uncomfortable because that is something important to her. If we were to follow the PoJA, I "honestly" am enthusiastic about her spending time with her friends but I also want her to spend time with me. So, I think it just boils down to us spending more time together.

The problem with her spending time with her friends is the contract effect. She enjoys that more than she enjoys spending time with you. That is not good for your marriage. Couples who have separate leisure lifestyles are always headed for disaster.

The concept of being "enthusiastic" is supposed to apply to things that are GOOD for your marriage, not bad for your marriage. For example, you could both be "enthusiastic" about becoming swingers, but that would not make it good for your marriage.

You should take her up on that offer. I suspect she understands it is harming your marriage.

I think I see what you're saying. Yet, she always checks in with me before she makes plans and "if" we were to make plans, she would override her plans with her friends to do our plans instead. I don't really know or I don't really see how it is that she enjoys them more?

(Though... writing this now, I see some reverse psychology just happened and it's like I'm defending her. This is what she says to me. This is why I think the problem would just be solved if we simply spent more time together, because then any plans she made with her friends would always come second to us, I would feel like a priority, and yet she would still be able to have friends, which we both agree with.)

Oh it is hard to learn how to avoid DJs at first. Let me see.

Ok - imagine if she was to say something about YOUR motives for making complaints. She might say "I feel like you don't care about my happiness. At least you seem to care more about your happiness sometimes".

If she were to say this, it would be technically be true. Your giver has had as much as he can take and your taker is demanding some attention. In that moment of making a complaint you are looking out for number one.

However technically true, and although representative of her feelings (about your feelings) it is counterproductive and disrespectful to say it. Immediately you would be on the defensive giving examples of times you have shown love for her and the conversation has been destroyed by this tangent.

It's always counterproductive to complain about feelings, because people can't change their feelings. You may say she causes concerns in you about your being unloved. This is a wise concern and likely truthful because her love bank IS clearly on the wane (she enjoys other people's company more). We can say this - you can't!

Stick to a) do you want to do x and b) it bothers me for you to do y. Without commentary on her feelings. Or a lecture on the wisest course of action.

You have to be a salesman when delivering your complaints or ideas. A salesman is cheerful, respectful, thinks about what's in it for the customer. Doesn't give up till he gets the deal he wants.

Sell her on this programme.

When your wife finds her greatest enjoyment outside of your marriage, your marriage is in trouble. She should find her greatest fulfillment within your marriage. When one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. There is nothing wrong with friendships and extracurricular activities if it complements the marriage and includes you. But if it is something a spouse enjoys MORE than the marriage itself, it spells trouble.

Right now your marriage does come second to her independent lifestyle. So even though she is checking off with you, it is still a lifestyle that is completely independent of her marriage. If she didn't enjoy her independent lifestyle MORE, she wouldn't spend so much time with her friends. Do you see that?

Once again, right on the dot! That was like you've been in the room when we're arguing or something...

We definitely need to work on this then. I know for sure that I trigger this in her since I am the one doing most of the complaining. I can't really remember the last time that I got defensive and did as you described. Not because I'm not defensive, simply because she doesn't complain as often as I do. So... leave out the commentary on her feelings. I can do that...

You told us in the first post you tried this and it didn't work. And it shouldn't work because of the contrast effect. As it is now, her greatest enjoyment is with her friends so any time with you will PALE in comparison:

Ok, but that misses the point. The way you complain does mean something, but you are not focusing on the right thing.

You are still trying to accommodate an independent lifestyle which will NOT resolve your problem. You have to FIRST focus on the right problem. And THEN work out how to resolve the problem.

I see what you're saying, but I don't like it, to be honest. It seems like I'll end up keeping track of the hours she spends with who, which was basically a plan that we tried once -- that she needed to spend equal, quality time with me.

Ah... and that's why you're saying she needs to just stop? Because why should it be like that in the first place? Why should I be battling for time with her, keeping track, and so forth?

Exactly. You tried this before and you know it doesn't work. You will always be competing with an independent lifestyle that works against your marriage.