This is a little bit like asking someone to cut out junk food but then telling them it's cool to go look around MacDonalds daily so long as they only buy a salad - it realistically doesn't happen.

Your wife has a bad habit of independent behaviour because like fast food it's easily available and requires no skill to arrange. (That is a huge DJ don't repeat it! But I am really talking about all of us). If one friend doesn't like something, you just skip out on them and go out with another.

That's fine when the friend is your college roommate - not so much when it's your husband. It's not going to take much PoJA practice to realize dates with you require skilled negotiations and times with her friends don't. You will never shine in that competition.

Before you know it she will be tallying up the time she's spent eating skillfully prepared food so as to plead tokens for the junk food.

It's easier to just ban it, hence her offer.

I would exclude all friends while you get the hang of this. A low love bank really needs more like 20-25 hours anyway to restart it. When you're gaga over each again you'll be aghast at the idea of seeking interests and social times apart at all - much less that she enjoys more. Separate evening plans are particularly dicey. A married man or woman socialising solo will stick out like a sore thumb to that peculiar class of people who prefer to shop in the married section for dates.

We don't expect either of you to have an unfulfilling life. If you are madly in love, she won't allow her friends to take time away from you. But you can't have that kind of marriage if you are not spending enough time together to sustain a marriage and she finds her fulfillment outside of her marriage.

If you can get her agree to put her friendships aside and start spending that time with you, she will lose her desire to be with them.

Well that's unfortunate. It's been brought up multiple times. Whenever we get into really big arguments, she'll suggest that she would stop spending time with her friends and stop all of her activities so that she can just focus on me. That feels so selfish of me that I always say no. I hate feeling like I'm the cause of her having to give up stuff that she enjoys.

But this is not true at all. A passionate, romantic relationship is a much greater draw than a friendship. It is not that way today because his marriage has been neglected. That is the only reason her friendships are more attractive today.

This is because you have an approach that includes sacrifice, which doesn't work. It is not selfish at all to want your wife to get her greatest fulfillment out of your marriage. THAT IS WHY PEOPLE GET MARRIED.

You know I was very surprised the first time I heard Dr Harley say that selfishness is a great attribute in marriage.

In marriage you have to take care of both people. That includes taking care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself your wife will have a very long face to reward her for her efforts.

She's trying hard - help her satisfy your taker as well as your giver.

Yes, your wife will feel a little resentful at first, but that feeling will fade in time when you create a romantic, passionate marriage with plenty of UA time. When I quit smoking in 1998, I was so resentful at first! But as time went on and I experienced the wonderful health benefits, I was absolutely thrilled with the outcome!

It is the same with creating good habits in marriage. At first it doesn't feel good to the person giving up the bad habit, but as that habit is replaced with something BETTER, they no longer miss it.

Oh absolutely. Just as well cooked food is infinitely more tantalizing than junk food. It's the initial outlay of effort I was referring to.

Once they develop the skills and romantic love I don't think she would dream of returning to her IB.

I think I have to reevaluate some of my ideas, but I think I'm coming around to what you're saying. I know it makes sense, and deep down, it's what I've always thought about marriage, but somewhere along the way, my definitions got twisted.

I will talk to her about this as soon as I get the chance. It's probably going to be tough, but I know it'll be worth it. We love each other too much to just let this go.

Thanks again for talking with me.

You are very wise for a 26 year old man, Rufus. I want you to read this article about capitulation before you have this discussion with her. If you can wrap your head around the dangers of capitulation, you will understand what you have been doing wrong. Let me go find it.

This article will help: How to Negotiate When No One Wants to Raise the Issue

Thanks for the link. I've read through it. I'll probably read it again in a bit. We've just recently had a discussion about this issue, so the topic is fresh in our minds. I wonder if writing a letter is the correct way to tackle this? It would be better in the sense that it gives us time to edit our thoughts since speaking is so quick and we tend to talk without thinking...

Do we capitulate? I'm trying to see how, but I can't.

Am I capitulating when I agree to let her spend time with friends just because I don't want to argue with it? Is she capitulating when she say she'll stop spending time with them but she doesn't really want to stop?

I would think whether or not we capitulate depends on if we're being honest about those desires or not.

Rufus, this one is even better: How to Make Your Wife Happy

YOU are capitulating when you agree to something to avoid an argument. She should STOP doing anything that harms her marriage or makes you unhappy. A reluctant agreement on your part leads to resentment and incompatibility. Don't do it anymore.

Remember the rule: never do anything without your spouses enthusiastic agreement. She is not following that rule when she spends time with her friends.

Both very good articles. Thanks for the links. And thanks again everyone for talking with me and helping me understand more the root of our issues.

In that example, you capitulate - to avoid conflict - but it also avoids the solution.

If she were to reluctantly agree to avoiding her friends, that would not be avoiding a solution nor avoiding negotiations - it would be working towards one by removing the faulty, non negotiated option.

Hopefully you wouldn't stop there in a place where she was unhappy, you would keep going towards PoJA to an option she liked even better.

It was a stroke of genius Melody linking that article about making a wife happy, because women truly aren't made happy by capitulation. If you say you're OK, when you are clearly becoming more and more unhappy she will feel as though nothing makes you happy - she's followed the guidelines you've set and she isn't removing the problem.

The other thing is that by removing lovebusters neither of you will be agreeing to things 'to avoid an argument'.

No lovebusters means no arguments. If she says no, she won't be punished. If she says yes it is because she agrees with the way you sold it to her.

What activities does your wife do with friends? You mentioned karoke, does she hang out in bars doing karaoke?

Movies. Dancing--she's Hispanic, as are her friends, so she goes to the certain places where they dance salsa and cumbia. She doesn't go to bars to do karaoke, we actually have a nice karaoke machine which has good speakers so she'll throw a party at our house and have the friends over here. We don't drink, so we both avoid bars. Although, there is drinking at the place she goes to dance.

She's also on a soccer team. But that's separate from her "friends". The friends that do the things that I listed above are not involved at all in her soccer.

This is what connects it all for me. I see that her stopping is the first step in a process that will lead us, ultimately, to the PoJA. Just not have friends wouldn't fix anything, just like us spending more time together wouldn't fix anything. We've tried both of those plans already, and they didn't work.

The KEY is to have FUN! It didn't work because it wasn't a good time. Avoid relationship talk during dates, and anything else unpleasant.