Thankyou for the words of encouragement indiegirl

Day 8

Woke up and got my self dressed to go for early morning bush walk and saw wife in kitchen. When I said good morning in cheerful tone I could immediately tell her mood was more frigid.

I have been expecting her to get less amicable so it was no suprise. I asked her if she ad slept any better and was told no she hadn't. When I asked her if she would like to come for a walk her response was - "Nope".

I went , Okay and off I went.

I listened to todays MB Radio and tried to formulate what I was going to say regarding the separation and settlement process she is charging ahead with.

After changing I went upstairs to get breakfast and asked if we could discuss something.

I said I would be enthusiatic about becoming a partner in the decision making process regarding anything to do with the house as any work, or repairs etc directly affect both of us, and I followed Marcos' advice and said I intended to stay in the house and would love to go looking at smaller houses with her and did not intend to discuss anything to do with separating or settlements.

She was noticeably thrown off. After gathering her senses she re-iterated "I've already told you that we are separating"

At which I responded that I loved her and intended to care for and support her.

I then changed the subject and suggested we brainstorm maintenance tasks for the house at some point which she agreed to.

I then mowed lawn and did a couple of hours of weeding - yay.

She later asked me if would relocate my windsurfing gear rack to the opposite side of the house for purposes of allowing access to cleaning area they now live in - which I enthusiastically agreed to do.

I think she is off to get legal advice regarding the settlement offer. She has already made a rediculously unfair proposition which I said was not even close to the range of settlement ratio that I had been advised I am entitled to. It is hurtful to think she is so resentful inside that she feels the need to try to disadvantage me deliberately. I don't intend to discuss moving out or settlements any further. If she wishes to break up the family and create turmoil and emotional distress then I can't stop her leaving. My daughter and I will be staying until such time as the house sale is forced.

Anyway, I'm off to make spinach quiche for dinner.

Quick Update

Wife came home this evening and was obviously in a better mood and asked if I wanted to have that brainstorming session about the jobs needing doing around the house. She was at pains to re-iterate that she wasn't going to change her mind regarding the separation, that she didn't want her "pleasantness" to get my hopes up, but that she didn't want to have an uncomfortable environment in the house over the next couple of months as we get the house ready for sale and put on the market.

As you can see I have taken moving out off the menu, and I think she has been given advice as to the realistic outcome of what the settlement would need to be to be fair. Meaning she can't finance the settlement.

We then spent 15 minutes discussing plans for all the required cleaning, repairing, etc, and allocating jobs for each other.

It was a much more relaxed and natural conversation than any we have had since the bomb.

I am feeling much more optimistic now that I know I have at least a couple of months and she seems to want a more relaxed level of interaction.

Dinner was almost "normal" as we talked and joked around with the kids.

Maybe I have a chance to make meaningful deposits if she isn't feeling so stressed about getting me out of the house?

Day 9 - Wife went out early for a run and I went out on mine.

Saw her briefly later when she returned; she had purchased a small gift for my daughter. We had a couple of short functional conversations about some house items and I then started work on one of the major clean up jobs.

15 minutes later she to me to let me now she would staying a friends place tonight and was going to visit another friend for lunch.

Now, she is taking er son with her tonight and the phone GPS showed she was where she said she was going today so no affair stuff there.

Question: I have seen people on here recomending following "her" around everywhere. Now, she would lose it if I tried to tag along with her. In fact my intuition is t would be a big LB.

Advice on her activities

The other question was relating to snooping / txt messages.

They are the only thing I can't get access to. Is it advisable to simply ask her if I can check her phone?

Snooping update

As I said we only "married" 3 months ago. She has emails she was responding to only a month ago in relation to honeymoon arrangements and booking trip with my brothers family in december.

So there is no evidence of physical affair at that point but about two weeks ago I did feel something wasn't right.

Today I have found evidence of a flirting relationship with a business associate she has had professional dealings with.

It could be harmless but they are discussing business related things using their private emails. Have exchange season greetings and best wishes to each others families. Her email to him today

Hey Steve,
> Not sure if work ever takes you to Sydney -
> I head down each month at about this time for a few days in central office. It'd be great to catch up. I have so many questions. Are you really that serious & svelte in real life or is your LinkedIn pic photo shopped? How's the women's strategy at work coming along? Is there anywhere in Sydney that makes a decent mojito? Is it too soon for me to start plotting defection to the corporate world if I'm still staying in xxxxx for another 2 and a bit years (only one kid to go now!) How do I find a company who will truly appreciate my unique (weird) talent?
> That's just the beginning.
> Let me know if you're heading south anytime soon.
> Nic


She doesn't mention me obviously. I know in a previous email last year he is obviosuly in a relationship but I have no way of knowing what his relationship status is now nor what communication they have via phone / txt to supplement this.

Advice. She is heading to sydney on Monday for work. I'm worried.

She has also just emailed solicitor to have me removed from her will but has requested to leave my daughters provided for in the same way.

I can't understand how she can have just become so determined. there is just no grey area with her at all.

It doesn't sound like there's an affair with this guy if that email was sent today. Not one entrenched enough to cause a separation.

She's being very inappropriate and flirty though. You need as many radars on this issue as you can.

I wish I could check her txt msg's and put my mind at rest. IF I knew three was no EA/PA I would just be able to calm down and not panic.

Given she was still planning things around us being together 3 weeks ago I doubt there is an actual affair.

Is it likely she will be able to keep her pent up resentment for the two months or so it will take to sell the house?

I really think the risk of her discovering spyware is nothing compared to the risk of an affair.

What's one tantrum compared to that? Besides it's not like t she could possibly expect you to feel secure in your relationship at the moment.

Love bank deposits are unconscious, so if she chooses to live you she will be accepting love bank deposits whether she wants to hold on to resentment or not. She's actually planning on the time being pleasant, which creates love.

Same thing with this guy. If she flirts and has a fun time with him she's going to get lovebank deposits. She clearly has no idea how to block deposits, so give out yours and block other guys.

That requires knowing about them and it may mean surprising her in Sydney with some roses or something. Pee on your territory a little.

Upon checking the email history further i discovered they had some form of courting / emotionally supportive relationship at the end her 1st marriage that did not become physical. He was seperated at that time and expressed that he would have liked to go further but didn't wish to take advantage in her vulnerable state.

How do i ensure there is no chance at them meeting even if the intention is not to start something. There is def an attraction and emotional connection.

Listening to MB Radio today the scenario was very similar to mine except it was a wife trying to deal with a want away husband.

Dr Harley's advice was to write a letter commiting to meet his emotional needs and remove LB behaviour but that she would not be able to be a partner in life with him while he is having that other relationship.

His advice was to expose and if behaviour of Husband doesn't change the advice was to then plan B.

In my case it seems to be that my wife is more determined to get away, but the other relationship is lower level, but it is something that has been sitting in her mind the whole time she has been with me even though it wasn't a full blown EA. At least i dont believe so but i don't have txt history.

Having continued contact with him even semi professionally where they both express admiration for each other, is hurtfull and inappropriate.

Should i write letter and not expose?

Should i write letter and expose?

Do nothing even though she is looking to flirt and perhaps kindle something?

Regardless of the extent of the relationship, it would need to be terminated in any future path anyway.

So question is whether i just bite the bullet and use this as the accellerant for her to attempt to restore love when she knows I know about someting.

Or do i say nothing and let her go off in the next couple of months and then deal with a FB affair?

Is the risk of losing her greater if i do nothing or if i overstep in pointing to this relationship even though i don't know the full extent of the communication between them?

Yesterday I took Indiegirls advice and I have purchased, and arranged the delivery of a Dozen Red roses to the office she will be working in on Monday.

My thoughts at the moment are to write a generic letter clearly stating my commitment to EN and to remove all LB behaviour. I would like to state in the letter that her clear determination to separate and to skip all steps in between in helping to save the marriage clearly points to an affair of some kind and that I cannot be a co-operative partner in life with her if that is the case and that I want her to cease all contact and to help me restore love to our marriage.

Advice?

So I wrote a letter basically telling wife I am commited to restoring love in our marriage but that if there was an affair it would need to cease immediately.

She has denied it and I have told her I cannot facilitate a separation as friends knowing she has reconnected with and conducted at least an emotional affair with a man she had been with prior to meeting me.

I have Exposed to my whole family on FB, including her and her son.

My daughter as said she doesn't want to talk to her again. The marriage and family is looking pretty much destroyed.

Dont count your marriage out yet.
Most affairs die after exposure.

EDit: I reviewed the past 2 pages of your thread. Is your wife in an affair with this man? Wjat evidence do you have of this affair?

I found a series of emails that started october 2014 with him contacting her. The content shows they had in intense emotional connection that was almost consumated, so kissing etc, that was interrupted by her boys arriving home. The content of the email shows flirting and mutual admiration.

Coincedently she spoke to me of being unsure about marriage in december because of household chores things.

The last one is her telling she will be in a particular city regularly and that she would really love to catch up.

At best its an innapropriate reconnection with an old flame.

So you've told your family about the affair from her last marriage and that she is planning to meet him again for a date?

I don't thing there's anything wrong or untrue in that but effective exposure targets all three sides (yours, hers, and OM family) and has as much evidence about the current situation as you can get.

I would concentrate on getting evidence. Also, do you know for sure her first husband was abusive? It's a common WW accusation. You need to protect yourself with a recorder.

IThe email trail shows it was an unconsumated emotional connection initially. The contact is inappropriate and disrespectful. I'm not concerned about further exposure as it only part of the issues for her. She is not going to change her mind and it makes me feel relieved she had this innapropriate relationship as I can stop pining for someone that doesn't care.

If you've decided you're out then there's no need for any recovery measures.

You don't need any proof for cause in a divorce in Australia do you? Maybe see a lawyer about the house situation.

The false accusations of abuse are still a concern - most WWs figure out its the best and quickest way to get you out of the house. In a weird way though they almost convince themselves it's true.

Even if you have independent verification that her ex was genuinely abusive, she has seemed very keen to transfer an unreasonable paranoia about this onto you. This makes me most nervous because so many WWs come up with an abuse claim out of the blue without this much forewarning. We usually recommend BHs carry a recorder on them when dealing with their spouses.

You've only been married for 3months, right? If You weren't married at that time though, She was a free agent and had every right to date someone else.

Have I misunderstood? She was in contact with him before the marriage and there has been a single email since the marriage, last week?