My sister's WH did the same after she exposed....ranted, raged, and even packed a bag and left for a short period and told her he was DONE with the M. The affair was killed dead and they recovered their M.

My point? Ignore a fogged out wayward. Focus on getting the exposure done.

Keep this in mind:

Your WH is going to do whatever he can to get you to STOP exposure and back off because it is so damaging to the fantasy of the affair.

This is a normal wayward tactic. We have seen it all - all the way from anger and threats (I can never trust you again and this M is over!) and negotiation (I will work on the marriage, just stop exposing!).

You basically need to ignore what comes out of his mouth until the affair is over.

Hello all. Sorry to leave you hanging, but as you can imagine it's been a very insane past couple of days.

I am also typing on my phone so I cannot write a super long message with everything that has transpired.

First, I finished all the exposures except for my H's boss. I will not expose him to his boss. I came to this decision after serious reflection, prayer, and taking into consideration every piece of advice I have been given. My gut never told me exposing H was a bad choice. I was nervous and scared, but I knew I had to do it. My gut and intuition tell me, however, that to expose to my H's boss was not a wise decision. I understand some of you may think my marriage is definitely doomed now and that I am wrong, and you may not want to offer any more advice to me as a result. I understand why you would do that.

My H has not left the house. He is no longer raging. If I had to peg him I would say he is slowly but surely coming to the understanding that his relationship with OW was inappropriate. He told me the history of their relationship. He denies anything other than a friendship and still tells me it wasn't an affair. I told him to me it was an affair and that was all that mattered.

His parents and my parents and numerous others have spoken to him encouraging him to work on our marriage. He is not happy during these calls.

OW is still following him on social media. I need him to block her ASAP before we go any further. He knows my conditions and has said OW can be gone because she "means nothing" (haha, okay) but clearly the message needs to be driven home louder. We slept in the same bed last night and went to brunch this morning but I haven't confronted him again about what has to be done once and for all to remove OW.

He also still says things like "he is really done with me" but he is helping me around the house and laying next to me soooo clearly not.

There is a lot more I could say but I can't type it all on my phone. I know the no. 1 priority right now is that OW has to be gone. I need to drive home to H today that that cannot be delayed one second longer.

Hi birdy, thanks for the update. Let us know when you have exposed to the boss so we can move onto next steps. That is a critical exposure that can't be skipped. We realize that you are "wise," but so is Dr Harley. He has long experience saving marriages and you don't. It is real important that you follow the advice if you expect this to work.

P.s. He is not done with his affair. First off, he won't admit it and secondly, he has not even ended the affair. This is far from over because he is not done.

I think if you are honest you will admit it is fear that prevents you from exposing to his boss. I can understand your fear, but your greater fear should be of losing your marriage.

I don't consider myself more wise than Dr. Harley or any of you here, which is why I followed all the advice given to me up to this point. But I cannot in good conscious expose him to his boss. I cannot. The ramifications to my own life if we end up divorced if he loses his job prevent me from doing so at the very least. I am leaving my job and going back to school for a PhD.. We have a lease on two places right now as we try to move. He is supposed to support me while I'm in school. If he has no job, I am destitute and screwed whether we are married or not. I don't have the money to pay our two year lease. My name is next to his on he rent. If he has no job, and I'm not allowed to have a job in school, I will be financially ruined. My parents cannot support me.

I don't believe his affair is over and I don't believe this is done. I reiterated to him today that all contact must end. He is now sulking in the bedroom.

The problem with not doing anything because you are afraid if what "Might" happen is exactly THAT!!!

You DO NOT KNOW what his boss would do.

You can contact him directly, IN PERSON, and explain your valid financial concerns, and THEN, the boss could utilize that information in deciding what actions He May, Or May Not Take.

YOU DINT KNOW, Until You Reach Out To Him.

LTL

Chiming in, late to the party about not exposing to hubby's boss.
The old-timers may remember me. I'm divorced. Did not expose except to a few close friends. My ex's was "just" a deeply entrenched, "emotional affair."
This is where you will end up if you skimp on exposing to your hubby's boss. Divorced.
And so much for having financial support while you get your PhD. He will go underground with the affair and they will bond over your "misunderstanding" their "beneficial, benign friendship" and misunderstanding about how she is trying to help him to restore your marriage.
I'm the ghost of your future if you don't get to the boss and expose.

But you have not followed the advice to expose to his boss.


It has nothing to do with a "good conscious" but everything to do with FEAR.


You are looking at this backwards. You are headed to DIVORCE and won't have any benefits from the job. You have chosen the job over your marriage. As such, you need to be looking at the ramifications of DIVORCE.

He can get another little job. But you will have no benefit from any job if you are divorced. So, you need to be looking at it from that perspective.

Your best chance at staying married is to follow the advice that was given to you by a very "wise" and - EXPERIENCED - clinical psychologist.

You can scratch that plan. He won't support you if you are divorced.
He is already making his exit plans. His workplace is the last safe place for his affair. He has the ability to maintain his affair at work because you have protected his secret there. The OW thanks you for your support.

And what has happened with the exposures to the OW's family and friends? What about your contact with the OW? Was that really done? That was another epoxsure you were "afraid" about. Was that put aside too?

I don't know what you see in this that gives you any hope. He is not raging because he has successfully brushed aside your complaints and knows he can continue his affair safely at work.

Your husband knows that his affair is inappropriate already. Otherwise he wouldn't be hiding his affair.

And lastly, if he is only having a "friendship," why would you be reluctant in sharing that good news with his employer?

Blocking contact with her on social media will not matter as long as they still work together.

I did send Facebook messages to her family and friends. I clicked pay $1 to send straight to inbox but it never asked for my CC info so now I'm doubting it worked.

I also messaged her and told her to stay away.

And I did expose him to his biggest mentor in his field so I wouldn't say his work is a completely safe affair place.

I would say it is his safest affair place. His mentor has no authority over him and has no way to hold him accountable. All you have done is made it possible for the affair to continue.

Have you read surviving an affair yet?

You need to work through the checklist. He needs to get rid of social media and change his n u mber asap

I exposed my wife's affair to her employer on Day 2. To say that was a critical exposure is an understatement. That was the exposure that ended the affair and drove off the OM permanently.

Your failure to carry through with this sends the message to your WH that you think protecting his job from the justified affair fallout is more important than your marriage. It is also inherently dishonest. You are complicent in his stealing time and who knows what else from his employer. Also, you increase the likelihood this will turn out badly all the way around. Things like this have a way of coming around, and the cover up often looks worse than the original offense.

I would also expose to the OW's boss if you really want to kill this workplace affair. But it doesn't sound like any exposures went through to the OW's at all so not much damage was done here.

You are going to have to step it up if you want to kill the affair, Birdy. Half measures will avail you nothing. There is nothing stopping him from resuming his affair at work tomorrow.

How do I make sure the Facebook messages work then? I was on a PC and I clicked "pay $1 dollar." What did I do wrong there?

Do your messages show "read?"

Can you find the OW's mother's phone # and call her?

Indeed, tomorrow will be damage control day. By the time he is finished, you will have been lampooned as a crazy, delusional nut. That is what happens when you forewarn a wayward ahead of exposure. He has had a lot more time to plan all of this than you have had. He knows how to handle you, and by sticking with predictable behavior, he can finesse you. The boss will find out, but the story will be all about how crazy you are.