No, relationship was recconected via email (i think) and maintained with multiple emails and potentially txt and phone but i have no records of that.

Content of email shows they maintained a high level of affection toward each other.

Was the communication prior to your marriage?

You may need a PI to help investigate.

Their initial relationship was. The emails started in october 2014.

The content of the emails shows they still have an affectionate connection. That she would interact periodically, send christmas wishes to him and his family, and email regarding work related projects that he might be able to assist with.

So, not a full on "love each other" kind of interaction but, to me, an inappropriate emotional need meeting relationship.




He lives in another state. There is no immediate physical contact risk.

Except that she last emailed him lat week to let him know she would like to "discuss" employment opportunities with him if he is ever in Sydney - letting him know she would be there for the next few days.

He lives and works 1200km away but would no doubt have periodic trips there himself for business I am sure.

I think I made a mistake in writing the letter to her and exposing this to the family now. I reacted very emotionally, am very hurt to find out she was communicating with this person she had a fling with; albeit sex didn't happen, they both admit an attraction.

When she didn't admit to the relationship I did the wrong thing and reacted angrily - not to her face but by saying we can only commnicate via email or SMS and asking her to not contact my daughters.

I woke this morning and felt that was a mistake, rang both my daughters to appologise to them, then rang my Wife to say I had reacted emotionally about the discovery of this contact and wanted her to maintain her relationships with my girls.

She now knows that I had access to her emails and has changed the password. Massive breach of trust.

She was already very determined to leave me, regardless of how fantastically I went for the first 9 days, this would have made a large LB reductions.

I don't feel there is any hope.

It's common to be on an emotional roller coaster regarding your decisions. If you're in any way unsure you're done, find and fight the affair. Ending it gives you options and you have nothing to lose.



No, hiding emails for the purposes of bonding with other guys is a massive breach of trust. Without that, she wouldn't care that you were looking at her emails.

I don't know why you see this as suddenly hopeless. It already was, she was leaving you and had made worrying reconections with a former affair partner. You had nothing to lose. Busting it up gives you a shot you didn't have before.

Besides it's common for WW to be annoyed about their privacy aka secrecy and the A being ruined. That doesn't prevent recovery if the A is destroyed. However it isn't wise to have multiple trickle exposures. If you're going to recover you need evidence and to expose in one go.

The relationship with this man is just her flirting with a man who is wealthier and powerfully successful in a career she aspires to. She respects and admires him. She doesn't respect me anymore because, in her words

"I was the parent in my relationship with my mum, the in my first marriage, and the parent in this relationship"

How can i stop it?

I was contacted by my father aftet i did the FB to all members of the immediate family and he actually defended the notion that having a frienddhip with a former flame is perfectly ok. My half sister and her partner supported my Wife saying "that's life"
Other some postings extending their love there has been no consequence for her; i have actually been made to look desperate and emotionally unstable.

Huh, is your dad very good at being in a long term faithful marriage? Most married men know that's not OK.

Daja, the truth always becomes apparent in the end. The only problem with your FB exposure is you did it without getting the whole truth. Lots of people don't recognize the signs. It doesn't mean the truth has vanished, it's still there.


When you told me your wife's first husband became abusive during their separation, my immediate thought was there was an affair going on - I thought it might even be you which is why I asked if you were both divorced when you met. That was a suspicion but the truth always bobs up to confirm or dispute these suspicions.

She will have been addicted to him, enough to leave her marriage. He's not interested in pursuing her when she's available, she's a part time toy to him. As long as contact is maintained, so was her lovebank. She's coincidentally in contact with him when she wants to leave you with very vague and silly complaints that you can't actually act on.

You might not have the whole truth yet but anyone who can't see the likely risks, if not an actual affair, has no earthly idea how they are caused or resumed.

She was seperating from first husband and she did tell me she slept with someone else during her marriage. From the emails it is evident this man and her have not had sex so she slept with someone else back then.

Whn they were seperated, she went to pickup children from him as they had been exchanging caring of boys and Her 1st husband tied her to the bed, slashed her groin area repeatedly with a knife and then eventually shot himself in the head.

Should i contact this other bloke? I would need him to cease contact completely. How would i do that?

What should my next steps be. Should i talk to her about it?

My dad is in a very long term marriage like 20 years or so

There is another aspect to this perhaps which is that she has suffered from PTSD as a result of this attack.

The day before she told me she wanted to end our marriage she had been to her psychologist. The gist of that meeting was a realisation of the Parent/child issue. He must have helped to crystalise in her mind that I am getting all my needs met but she isn't because she is being the adult.

On top of this she has been in contact with police providing information to them about the assault she suffered and the connection with a previous partner of her 1st husband that had gone missing. Plus she knew of his first wife and she had complained to police of being tied to a tree and threatened with a knife.

I can imagine that this may have been PTSD triggers as well. I feel like she considers my neglect of her needs as being the same as what he was doing to her and all this, along with the connection with this other man has contrived to push her to ths point.

Daja, if you really think psychological issues are involved of that complexity I would contact Dr H. He is the clinical psychologist and he will give marital recovery advice to aid you, whereas her shrink is just telling her to help herself - if she's even being honest.

It's massively concerning that she was a serial cheat even before your marriage though. Dr H would know what your chances are with her.

Okay thankyou - I'll write him an email.

It may be true that your wife has suffered PTSD or other psychological trauma from her past. There are posters on here from every walk of life, male and female, all ages, all religious backgrounds, all socioeconomic backgrounds, from all over the world, with PTSD and psychological disorders, physical impairments, you name it. The script for how they act when they are *wayward* is identical in every case however. And the course of action to kill affairs and recover marriages is the same in all cases too.

But if you are in doubt about the course of action to take, by all means contact Dr Harley, he is the expert here.

Are you suggesting i simply grab her phone as that is the only way i could get further proof to subdtantiate a full blown affair.

You need to brainstorm. What about voice recorders in areas she might use the phone to make calls, a PI, or buying her a new phone pre installed with spyware?


There have been spouses with hidden burner phones who have been caught. The key is snooping stealthily and patiently and constantly looking for opportunities.

You've tipped your hand a little and she'll be cautious for a while but she will settle down (if you do) and start leaving her trail again. The thing with affairs is they are compelling so no matter how jittery the spouse - they have to resume things.

I have confirmed beyond doubt that there is no other man - relationship - fling, etc at the root of her behaviour.

I have managed to get access to her phone and SMS history and there is no evidence at all.

What there is evidence of is her getting into a negative state of mind due to PTSD, and having a bad reaction to a relatively minor event at home. She confides everything to a close female friend and this friend is essentially encouraging her to go through with her negative thoughts and then providing support and encouragement to her when she reports that things that I am doing to restore the relationship are making her think twice.

How do I combat her negativity and her friend supporting it?

Keep following the suggestions I've given you to make massive love bank deposits and to avoid love bank withdrawals. Keep getting so close to her that she couldn't possibly have an affair without your knowledge. Keep listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show daily.

Stick to the plan, because it works.

Hey Markos,

does that mean I should ask to go with her when she goes out and if she refuses, which she will of course, should I just follow her in the other car?

She would get furious.

And another question regarding getting the balance right. One of her gripes with me would be that she hasn't been able to rely on me t get things done do supportive tasks.

She has been making plans for the cleanup and de-cluttering of the house and has asked me to bring some boxes home to help pack things. Should I be helpful or refuse.

Where is she going to, exactly?

She jogs.

She visits friends.

Etc.

If she goes out she usually isn't telling me where but I am able to check.

She has been where she has said she will be on the occasions i have asked her.

Is there any point in me talking to her friend and showing her the MB stuff do you think?