My DD turns 9 this weekend and we are having a big party for her. I will expose his affair after this weekend. I can't ruin her birthday when it is only a couple of days away. I will use the next few days to come up with a plan of attack. I already have OW parents information. They will be my second exposure after I expose him to his chief. He will probably get fired but I don't care at this point. Although affairs run pretty rampant in his profession and his department seems to turn a blind eye depending on who you are. He's not the first one to have an affair with an intern there.

Brookity, I will tell you right now that you do have the strength to stand up to this threat. You just have to CHOOSE to act. You have that ability right now. Once you start taking action, you will feel like a warrior and you will no longer be paralyzed by fear.

Your daughter needs you to protect her. You have a daughter and don't have the luxury to sit there paralyzed by fear.

When you are going through hell, KEEP WALKING!

My guess is that he will refuse to leave the house when I go plan B. If I leave the house, taking my daughter, will it look unfavorable in the eyes of the courts. I know he wants to keep the house. He has told me this before. He won't be able to afford it on his ow but that will be his problem not mine. The OW doesn't even have a paying job. She's not going to be able to help him.

Do you know how crazy that sounds? Her LIFE is being ruined by her dad and you think stopping him will "ruin her birthday? That would be the absolute best gift you could give her. Can you imagine how grateful she will feel that you stand up to this assault on her family?


I would be very methodical and thorough in your exposure. Have you read my exposure thread?

And have you given some thought to how you will separate? Will he move out if you ask?

If he won't leave, then you would need to move out with your daughter. Do you have a place you can go?

Exposure will not ruin your daughters birthday.
His adultery will have a negative impact on her life.
You need to expose asap.

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If you continue to find endless excuses why you cant do this or that, this will never work. That same effort needs to be committed to finding ways to a) expose his affair and b) separate from him.

In REALITY, what will look bad is when you have a nervous breakdown and the OW moves in to take your place. I don't think you understand the critical nature of this situation.

I think he's already to entrenched in the affair for the exposure to have any real affect on him. Waiting a couple of days isn't going to change that. DD deserves to have one more birthday with her family intact.

We live in WH jurisdiction. If he gets violent again I will call the cops. They probably won't do anything because they are all friends and subscribe to the 'brotherhood." My counselor wants me to just leave with no warning. She is afraid for my safety.

I do have a place to go. My boss has an empty apartment right now that he will let me stay in for cheap. I will have to leave DDs dog behind but that can't be helped.

I know I sound like I have a lot of excuses. I am just trying to work through this in my head. Also I have very little money at this point and we live paycheck to paycheck. We will certainly have to declare bankruptcy.

I have no one to borrow money from and WHs parents are millionaires. They will help him fight me. They turn a blind eye to everyone's problems and see me as the problem not their son.

Trust me, your daughter won't be grateful you waited so she could have a fake birthday party. Real life isnt put on hold for birthdays.

She deserves to have a sane mother who will protect her from her lying, cheating father. Her family is not intact, it is being destroyed from within, while everyone sits around and pretends. That does not make her happy or secure.

No I don't think she does deserve a lie of that magnitude to be honest with you. After everything that has happened to your family there is NO WAY she doesn't already know that something is up. She deserves the truth, to know what's happening and your comfort.

She does not deserve an elaborate and deceptive carnival which attempts to confuse her into thinking her family is 'intact'.

Many children weep in relief when they are told the truth and can stop wondering and blaming themselves. It's exactly the same as when you had suspicions without firm knowledge.

Please stop listening to that fearful voice which is keeping you frozen in inactivity. The voice says it is up to you to lie to your daughter and keep the family 'intact'. In truth it is not, at all, intact. That is a lie.

You and your daughter need each each other without any lies in between. Don't start off exposures by informing her that her birthday party the other day was a big fat lie. Yes she is smart enough to figure that out. She's also smart enough to hear the truth today.

I took my daughter and moved 500 miles away. I expect to get sole physical custody soon. I first locked him out and then I prepared to move and did it. Doing it is not easy, but it must be done. You need to take control of this situation even if you feel miserable.

I don't see why you would leave either. Just lock him out when you want to go Plan B.

I meant for that to be a question. Will it look unfavorably in the eyes of the court if I leave the home with my DD? WH has a lot of power to make my life even more miserable during plan B. I think I will need to get as far away from him as possible. I need to find a way to go into hiding while still maintaining my job and allowing him access to DD.

I have a friend who is willing to be my intermediary. I am going to buy her a dumb phone with unlimited texting as that is his preferred method of communication.

I have a phone call in to the chief. I am going to ask him for a private meeting away from the police department so that WH doesn't get tipped off as to what is about to come to him.

Can you outline your exposure plan? Who and how?



He really doesn't. He has lots of power now because although he has no legal advantage on you, he can threaten and push your fear buttons. Even if you were to keep in mind he is lying it doesn't stop it being abusive and affecting your mental health.

There is no legal requirement whatsoever for you to reside with your adulterous husband. Where you live doesn't affect custody so long as it's suitable. You can live wherever you like. You have to give him access to your daughter that's all. You don't have to see him for that she can go outside when he comes to pick her up.

I'll dig you out the parenting links.

I have been an intermediary for quite a few people and the WH is often hugely annoying, aggressive, entitled and he likes to blow up phones. Email is by far the better method, especially if you tell him requests to change visitation need 24 hours notice. Even if the emails come to her phone, he doesn't need to know that.

His preferences are neither here nor there. He will be given a visitation schedule and a way to contact you about problems with it. He doesn't need any more consideration than that. If he wants a coparent he can work on his marriage. If he has a problem with that, too bad.

It is really sad that his gaslighting over such a long time have made you this fearful. There really is no need to fear a man who couldn't find his rear with both hands and a flashlight right now. You don't need to go into hiding. You simply need to change your contact details and block all his attempts at contact. If he does anything at all harassing or threatening call the police.

I have another question. DD currently stays with WH during the day while I work. I will not be able to afford childcare when I move out. Would it be unwise to continue this arrangement as long as OW doesn't move in with him? I have no family in the area to watch her. It will also give her the opportunity to see her dog.

Is it this making you so afraid? These conditions just happen to have the exact same behaviours as people in active affairs. Dr H has successfully seen many people mistakenly diagnosed as ill resume their previously normal behaviour when the A is dead. I've seen it on here myself. He says most people with genuine conditions would not be able to get someone to marry them.

He's also pretty scathing about the codependance label. Codependance is just another name for love. You are supposed to be able to depend on him!