So Day 17 was overall successful.

I started day following through on romantic breakfast and re-invited Wife even though she had already declined. She must have been a bit annoyed that I was ignoring her request to stop messaging her affectionately and to stop inviting her on dates and outings because she messaged me to remind me of er request and that she is not going to join me outings. She made of point of saying she is not wanting to be rude just clear.

I think her being annoyed is a good sign. So I replied that I love how respectfulness informs all her interaction and that even when she is annoyed she is respectful and told her I was just picking up the croissants.


I went to headland and setup the blanket and picnic items. Took some pictures of sunrise and msg'd her to say I missed sharing the beautiful morning with her.

I picked up my daughter from her mothers and spent morning doing practical things around house and had a few interactions with wife that were relatively relaxed.

I had agreed to get boxes for my wife so I visited a few places and arranged to have some put aside at a local supermarket to pick up the next day.

I just stayed happy and pleasant. Tried to respond positively and enthusiastically to any request for assistance or input into house stuff.

In the afternoon I picked up stepson from his weekend job and took him and my daughter (both 15) to a trampoline fun centre and jumped around with them.

The evening saw wife and stepsons going to her friends place for dinner and my daughter and I went to my brothers for dinner.

When we returned I fed the pets and did the washing up and cleaned kitchen.

So all up I think a good day of Love bank investment and no love busters.

Day 18

- Was up at 6am to see off Stepson 18 heading back to Uni
- Collected boxes and various repair and cleaning items for work around house
- spent 5 hours repairing all the window screens while W worked on cleaning fence and paths etc
- cooked an indian chicken curry for dinner


W was noticeable down and not talkative at all. She had sent me an email prior to dinner to request a valuation of some of my belongings for the purposes of her getting a financial settlement advice. I responded with


Her Response was this


I have replied with


She as visibly not happy at the dinner table. Like part of her life force had been sucked out of her.

She is conflicted because you aren't being the ogre. Keep doing what you are doing.

You would be wise to viit an attorney though to find out what your rights are and how you can delay. Then if she brings up separating, you can say "let the attorneys talk about that, you and I should have fun. Want to go to the beach?"

I can just imagine her response to that

Ironically seeing her so unhappy is harder to deal with than keeping myself positive. I appreciate everyones advice on trying to woo her. It has given me something to focuss my actions on.

Just wondering. If there is no OM approx how long should I expect to wait before she might reconsider the relationship?

She was very agitated again this morning. Giving me the most minimal responses to my good morning and later admiring her outfit.

Dr Harley mentions that from a state of withdrawal she may periodically stick her head up into conflict. Her email and behaviour i think is her way of pushing because she is not getting what she wants. Which is me giving up.

She has sent me an email this morning regarding rea estate agents. I have responded that selling the house is not part of my plans at the moment and that we should plan a weekend away.

She has responded by advising she has another appointment with her psychologist and that I am welcome to come with her so I can better understand her perspective.

I responded that i thought the pyschologist had a much different set of priorities to facilitating communication between herself and I and didn't seem to have our family or relationship as the main priority.

Should I go anyway?

Hmm, my first thought is don't go but maybe Dr. Harley would feel differently. When is the appointment? Do you have time to email the Harley's?

I'm actually talking to them on the radio tomorrow morning

She must have reached her limit because she has just let me know that she and my stepson will be making their own arrangements for dinner tonight.

I would go and record the whole session taking care not to argue. Just to hear what the psychologist is recommending to her. But good thing that you get to hear Dr. Harley's opinion tomorrow.

When they came back she went straight to her bedroom and closed the door. Txt'd my daughter to ask her to come up and say goodnight!

Wow. I am getting the distinct impression that either my continued pursuing is distressing her or my assertion about there being someone else has her feeling guilty - she has literally avoided eye contact and any verbal communication since then.

I wish I could get some clear evidence one way or the other without risking causing more damage to any trust we still have. I can't bring myself to grab her phone as the time I would need to check it would mean I would get caught.

Just another coomunication thing.

I investigated the "fun run" event and emailed her two options we could together. I then enquired about accomodation for one event at a couples retreat near the event which is also the location of our first romantic weekend away when we were dating.

Confirmation of avalability came through which i forwarded to her with no response thus far.

Rejected

I don't know your wife, so maybe I'm wrong on this one. I get the feeling the things you are doing to fill her love bank, aren't the things that make substantial deposits. If they do, then discard my advice.

I've been told that I'm very good at refusing or blocking love-bank deposits. Things like invitations to breakfast, fun events, dozens of roses - for me these things are easy to refuse or to dislike. They scream "I want you to like me!" and therefore it would not work for me if I didn't want that person to deposit. For me, it is way easier for someone to deposit if he meets my top emotional need than if he gives me ten dozens of roses.
As for meeting my emotional needs, I can't very well block those deposits.

Change your lovebusting habits, go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time. Maybe the first cup of coffee is worth more than an elaborate breakfast. Show interest in her child as much as in yours.

You mentioned this:

It seems to me her unmet emotional needs are in the domestic department and family commitment. Change your habits so meeting her needs becoms a routine instead of a daily effort.

Because of the short time you were married when she wanted out, the impression I get is that she expected you to change into a perfect and committed husband after marrying. You didn't.
I am not sure there is an emotional affair (yet, but she's vulnerable to one). A PI could answer that question.

Did you talk with the Harleys?

You make some good points.
Her no.1 need according to her is Time. She is avoiding spending any time in the same area as me as possible. Eg. We have had less than half dozen family meals since she decided to seperate. Yesterday i came home early to get dinner ready because she hadn't informed that she was having dinner at her female friends place like she has been doing, i got dinner cooking then found out from stepson she wasn't going to be home for dinner.

We did spend 4 hours in yard on sunday doing clean up repair jobs but she is making time spending very dificult.

Her next needs are affection, admiration, communication, family commitment, gifts. Household support.

I am doing all those as much as i can.

I have stopped all known LB behaviour, like, as you suggested, sleep patterns, i now go to bed 3 hours earlier. I have only responded without love to her once when I discovered her innapropriate emails from a few months ago. Other than that all my interactions have been based on love and understanding.

I have been exercising almost every day and have lost 6kg. I was pretty fit before anyway but had bit of a belly with love handles. I'm now looking much leaner.

The only real area i could make massive deposits in is my stepson. We share computers as an interest and I have introduced him to windsurfing.

Yep, yesterday morning. Essentially confirming she is in withdrawal and I might have a small chance of changing her mind by focussing on making as many deposits before we physically separate as possible. He doubts there is any hope once that happens.

He recommended to keep persuing her on the basis that he has had many wives tell him that it was how hard the husband fought to keep her that won them over.

My wife has sincerely asked me to let her go and stop fighting to preserve good will between us and make the environment as comfortable for everyone as possible.

I am inlcined to follow Dr Harley's advice but to maybe tone it down a notch from daily invites to weekly ones.

That is what my wife has said.


I wouldn't tone it down. You don't have time. And a married couple needs to connect daily. This is always annoying to a wife in withdrawal, but as long as you are not being demanding, disrespectful, or angry, keep it up.

If you want to succeed, don't take Dr. Harley's advice and add other ideas like toning it down and doing it less frequently!

Okay. Sent txt inviting her on my run and suggested we could take turns checking out each others bottom.

I got back and she has txt me demanding i stop sending her invitations. She considers it is now harrassment.