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We would love to read a rough draft. I want you to succeed, Remark, in restoring your marriage. Whatever work you and D2D do know to learn how to really be a partner, to negotiate with your takers at the table, to meet one anothers' ENs in ways that are meaningful to one another, will be good for you whether you are able to rekindle this or not.
Do you have going out to dinner on the list? D2D mentioned tagging along with you and your sons to a restaurant maybe you can go again out to eat, just the two of you.
Do you two like to go for walks?
Have you looked at the RC Inventory? There are tons of ideas there things you can do for fun RC together, to make it something you can look forward to.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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NED makes some great points.
And I too am curious about the specific actions you plan to take. However, I am concerned that whatever you post here will be seen by the target of your affection, which may highlight inevitable shortfalls in your plan.
So my opinion is that if you are consistently following up with Steve Harley, I would stick with that. Keep your focus on making changes via Steve's coaching.
Keep updating us please, Remark. Always keep in mind how Day might be affected by what you say here.
Thanks for letting us know that you are still in the game.
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We would love to read a rough draft. I want you to succeed, Remark, in restoring your marriage. Whatever work you and D2D do know to learn how to really be a partner, to negotiate with your takers at the table, to meet one anothers' ENs in ways that are meaningful to one another, will be good for you whether you are able to rekindle this or not.
OK, I'll post it as am still working on it in an excel spreadsheet.
Do you have going out to dinner on the list? D2D mentioned tagging along with you and your sons to a restaurant maybe you can go again out to eat, just the two of you.
Yes, and she has let me know I need to give her a week advance notice. (It's dating etiquette.)
Do you two like to go for walks? Not, really, but would love to with D2D.
Have you looked at the RC Inventory? There are tons of ideas there things you can do for fun RC together, to make it something you can look forward to. Yes. I have many more acceptable activities from that survey list than she does.
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NED makes some great points.
And I too am curious about the specific actions you plan to take. However, I am concerned that whatever you post here will be seen by the target of your affection, which may highlight inevitable shortfalls in your plan.
So my opinion is that if you are consistently following up with Steve Harley, I would stick with that. Keep your focus on making changes via Steve's coaching.
Keep updating us please, Remark. Always keep in mind how Day might be affected by what you say here.
Thanks for letting us know that you are still in the game.
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Yes, that's exactly what Dr. harley suggests, taking time Sundays to plan out your UA, so neither of you are left feeling uncared for or a tagalong or easily forgotten.
Does it make sense this cause and effect, the huge difference? From what I read from D2D, she wants that from you, extraordinary care. Is this something you want to provide, extraordinary care in a marriage?
What did Steve suggest, inviting her to nothing until the excel was complete, or calling her Sunday with the invitations?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Yes. I have many more acceptable activities from that survey list than she does. This may be a fact. But what was your point in mentioning it to us? Are you perhaps judging or blaming her for not having more activities on her list? You may be disappointed, but be respectful of your differences. Can you see how your mentioning that could make your wife feel publicly criticized here? How that could come across as disrespectful of her? If your wife had 0 activities on her list, then you would ask Steve or read "He Wins She Wins". But try not to be critical about her interests or lack of interests. Reward her for being honest and willing to fill out the inventory. Try to focus on the things that she IS willing to try and see how they work out. 1 or 2 activities that you both enjoy, repeated weekly, will build compatability and positive connection.
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Didnt,
I'm sorry I came across as judgmental or critical. I just was recalling the survey and the relatively large number of things I was willing and excited to to versus the number she would consider.
I'll try to focus on what she is willing to do and build compatibility which seems like such a challenge now.
Thanks,
Remark
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Our INSTINCT is to judge our spouse when their position differs and disappoints us. That's why the rule to respect our spouse's perspective exists.
Thank your spouse for their honesty and work within that framework. You may "recall" the difference, but mentioning it came off to me as you trying to point out what an unwilling or boring partner you have. "I am excited and willing and easily satisfied and she is not."
Don't ever tell family or friends of your wife's differing opinion. It's a "given" that there are always differences, but they should only be discussed between the two of you.
Last edited by DidntQuit; 07/21/15 11:18 AM. Reason: Clarify last sentence
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Did you hear yesterday's radio show? If you didn't, try to listen on your lunch hour. You have 30 minutes before it's gone.
It's pertinent to your situation.
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Our INSTINCT is to judge our spouse when their position differs and disappoints us. That's why the rule to respect our spouse's perspective exists.
Thank your spouse for their honesty and work within that framework. You may "recall" the difference, but mentioning it came off to me as you trying to point out what an unwilling or boring partner you have. "I am excited and willing and easily satisfied and she is not."
Don't ever tell family or friends of your wife's differing opinion. It's a "given" that there are always differences, but they should only be discussed between the two of you. Didnt Yes, I did. I did relate to many of the things the Australian guy had to say. I wanted to jump through the phones lines and tell him "don't move out! It only gets infinitely harder. Harder for both of you to re-engage." And, I agree with your advice that your differences should not be discussed outside the two of you. Thanks, Remark
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Did you meet with Steve this week?
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Did you complete your homework/plan?
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I shared it with Steve. He made some suggestions and I am modifying the format of my play/ (It's in an excel spreadsheet format that he suggested.)
Thanks, Remark
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Yes, Wednesday.
Thanks, Remark
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Have you asked for your wife's lovebusters list for the week?
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Didnt,
No, I hadn't. I just did.
Thanks,
Remark
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Great. Once you get it, I suggest that you
A) Schedule with Steve if you haven't already.
B) Add each LB situation onto your spreadsheet.
C) Add your proposed solution to the spreadsheet
D) Email your xls with proposed solutions to Steve.
E) Discuss with Steve during your next phone appt. to finalize your action plan for each listed problem.
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When's your next appointment with Steve?
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When's your next appointment with Steve? DidntQuit, I have one more paid for and I haven't scheduled it yet. Thanks, Remark
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Had another appt with Steve Harley today, the three of us. Our assignment is to log each interaction and utilization of POJA.
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