Dday was 2 months ago. Married 15 years. Changed all emails and cell number, No contact, exposed to Wife's sister and BIL, but not her parents due to her dad's health. Tried a MC that provided no input. We both started IC last week, scheduled to see new MC next week...
Here's my problem. I listened to His needs Her needs. Been trying like crazy to meet W's ENs, but I'm getting very very little in return. We have 2 kids, she's a SAHM looking for work now. She says she wishes she could feel normal again, but she simply doesn't feel that she's in love with me. She's dealing with very low self esteem from childhood abuse, but she admits non of this is of my doing. Regardless I want my family and will fight, but I've seen very little progress. Affection seems uncomfortable and intimacy is non exsistant. What's my next move??

Who cheated and With whom? I can't tell anything about your situation from this post. Could you give a little background?

You are reading the wrong book if you haven't read Surviving an Affair first.

Hi Shocknawe, welcome to Marriage Builders. Marriage Builders has a 2 step approach to surviving an affair. The first is to affair proof the marriage and the 2nd step is to create a romantic, passionate relationship. This program achieves both of those steps. The books you need are Survivng an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. You can also listen to the daily radio show on the radio link at the top of the page.

A couple of concerns is your comment that you are going to individual counseling. That will likely be a disaster because IC's have no understanding of infidelity and will help your wife achieve goals that are based on affair FOG. You are likely to find yourself divorced at the suggestion of a counselor.

My suggestion is to put aside "counseling" and your wife's poor childhood because it is a distraction at a time when your marriage is sinking. Your marriage problems can't wait and focusing on such distractions will spell doom for your marriage. It is sad that your wife had a poor childhood, but focusing on that now won't help your marriage.

A couple of questions about your exposure. It sounds like you didn't really expose. What about the OM's family and friends? Where does he live? Is he married? What about exposure to your kids and your family? Have you confronted the OM?

Here is the checklist from Surviving an Affair. Where do you stand on this list?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Marriage coaching

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8116_coach.html

Shocknawe, if you are disciplined and committed, you and your wife can go through this program on your own using the book, worksheets and the free radio show. Many of us here have gone through the MB program and can help you and your wife do this.

Ditch the IC's NOW. All they do is encourage to follow your feelings, which your wayward will do right to the OM and divorce!!!!!

Don't expect much from your wayward, she is in withdrawal and possibly still in contact. She is reeling from the FOG.

Your exposure plan was WEAK, what about the OM family and friends. Sparing your in-laws is WEAK.

Your Plan A nice behaviors will have NO IMPACT until the affair is completely shot down, but you keep doing Plan A Actions anyways.

You MISSED many exposure targets!!!

You can debate why this person or that person isn't ready to hear such news, or that you are afraid about what they would do, or etc.....

Then, a few weeks later, if you are like other reluctant BS's, you "Eventually" will hit some of those missed exposure targets, but by then, the affair has dug in it's heels Together, fighting the Exposure LITE Version, that delayed exposure will gave greatly Minimized results, or Lack Of Results.

Instead of providing excuses for various people as to why you should not expose the affair to them and ASK THEM FOR THEIR HELP, you should finish that list completely, without delay.

It is the Marriage Builders Plan. That's all that is followed here.

LTL

You need to expose the affair to ALL family and friends. No half measures. By not telling the parents, you miss out on an major sorce of support for your marriage.

Recap... Wife had affair that lasted one month, heavy texting and emails, sex twice. I immediately established no contact, although I admit the exposure is weak. So far, she is doing everything I requested, has shown remorse, but can't seem to get passed not "feeling" in love with me. We have been spending a lot of time together, talking a lot, working out together, and have had weekly dates. We have agreed to speak on Saturday after we get home from our vacation, about our marriage. I will tell her that we must expose to her parents, but I cannot tell my kids age 10 and 6.
As far as OM, he was confronted by some unsavory associates of mine. My employment would be in serious jeopardy if I did so myself. He is very very scared and even offered to forward me any communications from her.
After our MC session I will tell her to ditch the IC until our marriage is in a better place.
Now let's see how she feels about MB...
Thank you for the input and advice

It is the rule that a wayward spouse will have fallen out of love with her spouse. The way to create romantic love is to go out on 4 - 4 hour dates a week. "Talking a lot" is good as long as it is pleasant, enjoyable discussion. If you are talking about her affair, then it is not productive. Working out together is a great activity.


That time would be better spent out on a romantic date.


Exposure should be done by you without telling her. And of course you should tell your children. This directly affects their lives, so there is no reason to lie to them about the source of tension in their home. That helps absolutely no one.


Who is the OM? Is he married? Was the affair exposed to his wife, if any? His family and friends?

Shock, the best thing you can do for your marriage is finish up these exposures. That will help motivate your wife to work on recovery and wake her up from the fantasy feelings she carries for the OM. That is the critical first step. Next steps are to affair proof your marriage and make sure she can't contact the OM again.

Does the OM live close by?

Is the OM married?

Who have you exposed the affair to? Who on OM's side?

Your kids must be very confused and probably have been coached to lie to you. If you expose to them you can reassure them, hug them and keep them away from a strange guy who scares them. Otherwise he is their stepdad and they are yet more figures in danger of stepparent abuse and domestic violence generated by the typical affair.

This is in fact more important than the exposurd effect on your wife. Yes, she does fantasize about his parenting them but busting this fantasy is secondary to helping your kids.

If you wait till she divorces you, moves you out, or simply introduces him you will have missed your chances to protect them.