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The "mistake" was me jumping the gun with exposing this interaction she had with the old "friend". Why would you do that? Who told you to do that? When are you going to do some serious snooping? Because when I found the emails it was like a hot knife was thrust into my stomach and I reacted emotionally for the first time since being told. I am doing my best regarding finding information but I have no option where I live for a P.I so its difficult.
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D, I know you are quite fearful of proper snooping - a few times you have mentioned 'damaging the trust'. If she is really one of those people who demand trust in the form of a wall to do secret things behind - it is even more important to snoop!
You should be demonstrating that you are interested in her, on every level. I know that if I were packing my bags I would expect a man who loved me to be on high alert, checking out my every move and every word. There is simply nothing wrong with that. If she does catch you out you can tell her you find her behaviour with her old OM to be fundamentally worrying to any husband in love. You can tell her she can trust you to have both steely eyes on this situation and that you will not let this sleaze near her.
Anything less is a lazy uncaring husband and you are not that.
If she asks you about future trust, you would tell her you expect full, voluntary transparency for your future marriage. Get that concept cemented in now.
Don't tip your hand - snoop quietly, but don't be afraid of being 'caught'. If she objects to snooping its because she doesn't want to be caught. True, but she would also protest because in our history, and all other areas of her life, she practices an extreme high level of extending respect and courtesy to others. She is a highly ethical person which is why I am realistic, but very surprised by her innappropriate contact She would take an invasion of her privacy very seriously and if there is no OM I would just be reinforcing her determination that I am the wrong person for her.
Last edited by Dajavude; 07/22/15 04:09 PM.
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True, but she would also protest because in our history, and all other areas of her life, she practices an extreme high level of extending respect and courtesy to others. She is a highly ethical person which is why I am realistic, but very surprised by her innappropriate contact
She would take an invasion of her privacy very seriously and if there is no OM I would just be reinforcing her determination that I am the wrong person for her. That is fine. There is no such thing as "privacy" in marriage. So you need to snoop and find out if there is an affair. Otherwise you are wasting our time. We can't help you if the real problem is an affair and we are focusing on need meeting. I heard your radio show but it seemed clear to me that you weren't open with Dr Harley about the strong likelihood your wife is having an affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She would take an invasion of her privacy very seriously and if there is no OM I would just be reinforcing her determination that I am the wrong person for her. If that really is her deal breaker then you will never have a safe marriage. Do you see a connection between someone insisting on privacy and serial cheating?
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/22/15 04:13 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She is a highly ethical person which is why I am realistic, but very surprised by her innappropriate contact Seriously? She had had 2 affairs in her previous marriage, and is now talking to one of the OM. She has very poor boundaries, and has no qualms with seeking male attention from outside her marriage. There's nothing to be surprised about here.
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She is a highly ethical person which is why I am realistic, but very surprised by her innappropriate contact 
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Well it's probably all moot now.
She has turned nasty now and has started doing mean things.
She has stopped communicating with me except for very specific functional things. She has made arrangements to sell the car I drive for work. Both cars are in her name. I have asked her why she is try to do things to upset me when the cars etc can wait until a final settlement is reached and she just says it's not about me it's about following a plan.
I have tried to ask her to be calm and reasonable but because I need a car for my job.
Problem I have now is that we swapped cars because mine is stationwagon and she said she needed it for clearing some rubbish. What she was really doing is getting insurance quotes for hail damage to write the car off. I have her car and she has now messaged that she wants to swap but won't give me something in writing to say she won't do something unilaterally.
I am now feeling like I have to keep her car and do a big Love busting thing that will make her angry.
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This does sound very wayward.
If you snoop, she may a) decide you're not the trusting sap for her or b) get very mad at you - two positions she already holds.
She has her foot out of the door. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by uncovering an affair.
If an affair is causing her behaviour, the behaviour all ends when you bust up the affair.
If there is an undiscovered affair, nothing you do personally will work. She will also take you to the cleaners legally.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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True, but she would also protest because in our history, and all other areas of her life, she practices an extreme high level of extending respect and courtesy to others. . When she's in love (as per your history) she is probably just super. When the love bank wanes however, or gets some competition, it is every man for himself as her wider history shows. At that point she will demonize you to justify doing whatever she wants.
Last edited by indiegirl; 07/23/15 03:13 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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This does sound very wayward.
If you snoop, she may a) decide you're not the trusting sap for her or b) get very mad at you - two positions she already holds.
She has her foot out of the door. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by uncovering an affair.
If an affair is causing her behaviour, the behaviour all ends when you bust up the affair.
If there is an undiscovered affair, nothing you do personally will work. She will also take you to the cleaners legally. Essentially means i need to steal her phone or catch her in the act. Two pretty unlikely avenues. Our interactions today were very stressful and charged. I have refused to return her car until she supplies a written assurance that includes (CC'ing) members of our immediate family. She has refused to do that so I will be keeping her car. She loves her car. No, really. She has given it a name!
Last edited by Dajavude; 07/23/15 03:15 AM.
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Won't that get you into trouble whwn the car is in her name?
me, DH
all the children
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Won't that get you into trouble whwn the car is in her name? both cars are in her name but legally she doesn't have the right to sell or dispose of any assets without my agreement until there has been a financial settlement reached. She didn't bank on me figuring out she had the intention of leaving me without a car as a way of deliberately getting back at me for being so nice to her while I had her car 
Last edited by Dajavude; 07/23/15 06:01 AM.
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Yep. Monday. Sister just advised me to take photos of everything in the house as well.
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Yep. Monday. Sister just advised me to take photos of everything in the house as well. Your wife is trying to goad you into filing for divorce with the car issues because once you have filed, she will not be permitted to dispose of any marital assets no matter whose name they are titled in. It is typical of a wayward to not to want to be the one to file. For some reason they want to show that the divorce was not their fault even though it obviously was. Somehow not filing makes the divorce not their fault. Why are you not able to find out who the OM is?
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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It's 3 month marriage, no kids together, she cheated in previous marriage and possibly, is having an affair now...
Is it worth to save?
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It's 3 month marriage, no kids together, she cheated in previous marriage and possibly, is having an affair now...
Is it worth to save? That was a question posed to me by Dr Harley. When you love someone so much you do believe it's worth saving no matter what. Just like they would believe their feelings for someone else justify leaving 
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Would you please answer this? Why are you not able to find out who the OM is?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Would you please answer this? Why are you not able to find out who the OM is? I would suggest that when your spouse won't tell you when you ask, that the time it takes relates to the discovery options options available. The options I have available to me have thus far failed to uncover an OM. All I have is a strong suspicion and many people telling it's obvious. Onbiously time will tell but I don't have time. She is now opting to stay in temporary accomodation with my stepson to, her words, get away from my harrassment. So my pursuing has ended our co-habitation. It has also led to her refusing to communicate directly with me and to her feeling resentful enough to attempt to dispose of the car I drive. This has been delayed through astute action by me but the current landscape for marrital recovery is looking very bleak.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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