Radio Clip of Dejavude's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4
Segment #5

She and stepson have are already living elsewhere. She got fed up with my continued "harassment" and booked into temporary accommodation. She has also arranged to house sit a friends house for 2-3 weeks I believe. So it's even stranger that given two days where stepson will be with me she makes arrangements with my daughter.

Last week She had to come to our house to collect clothes etc and contacted my brother to escort her as she felt I had become agitated. I had refused to return her car becuase she was then threatening to dispose of the car I drive as retribution for me ignoring her request to stop pursuing her.

I had over heard a conversation she had with stepson where he asked if I was keeping the car and she said that if I didn't stop pissing her off she would get rid of it. So when I asked her about her plans she refused to ensure she wasn't up to something hence why I refused to return her car.

She had a conversation with my brother where he point blank asked her about her intentions and when she denied it he pointed out that the conversation had been overheard at which point she apparently broke down.

Since then, I contacted her and she apologized and things have settled down. I have swapped cars with her and she is no longer pushing for house sale and settlement process to get completed so quickly.

That, coupled with our attending the psychologist appointment together where she behaved very carringly towards my grief, and she is open to attending another session with her or for me to attend by myself. She texted me after the session to thank me for coming.

I would really like her to feel comfortable returning to the house before things get finalised as I think that I have a better chance if we are at least seeing each other and being able to co-habitate the house rather than me continuing to "harrass" her. I think her fear of a mentally agitated spurned spouse would prevent her returning.

You are doing wishful thinking here.
She is divorcing you and you have to find out the real reason yesterday.

Yes, I do have hope that there is not another romantic relationship. I am still searching for evidence. That's the best I can do while she is living elsewhere. I'm not sure what else there is I can do?

The alternative is that I continue the invitations and affectionate messages that pushed her out of the house in the first place and would likely result in her not returning at any point.

Further to this. Agressively pursuing my wife will not, by itself, stop an affair if she is having one. In either scenario it will be a love buster.

Given that I have very little if any balance left - she obviously still cares, then I need to avoid Love busters at all costs. I also have very limited opportunities to make deposits.

Going to the session yesterday I would say was a deposit. Spending time tonight with stepson, and getting them a Stand alone Wi-Fi access point so they can have internet where they are staying, would be deposits.

I don't want to ruin that by badgering her agressively for the sake of it. It will just cause resentment.

Unless someone can make an argument for the benefits of having her get agitated all over again then I can't see that I am able to affect a better set of circumstances at the moment.

It's certainly not going to improve my chances of catching her.

She has night to herself and is spending evening at her best friends house. She is 63.

Just some observation...

Your stepson is staying for gaming night to play with you? Like 2 teenagers? You mentioned you play video games - and I kind of understand why your wife saying she is the parent in the relationship. Gaming is highly addictive - and my best guess it will always a problem in relationship, unless you are in relationship with another gamer.

The other thing. Dr Harley said that separation will highly likely lead to permanent separation. Do you think helping your wife to settle at her new place (providing WiFi) would help to bring her back to the house?

The boys and i spent a lot of time bonding playing games so it was both a positive and s negative.

Wi fi mainly for stepson so he can have internet access. I looked at as a family support thing.

Conflict avoidance will not save your marriage either if leads you to avoid implementing a marriage saving plan.

What would you suggest i do exactly?

But what is it you are doing that is harassment and aggressive exactly? It is more aggressive to demand a spouse leave, deny his own feelings and smile upon her while she takes up all the property she can get hands on.

All you've done is express a preference to continue the marriage and offered to address her complaints. That is not harassment nor aggressive. Nor is it surprising just three months after the wedding.

I am somebody who would be harassed by mild contact with my ex. I give out clear unequivocal signals about that such as changing my number, the locks, finalising a divorce, avoiding all contact with him and his family.

She has arranged sessions for marital recovery with you. She's not done no matter how much she pouts and tries to pretend otherwise.

Such hyperbole about harassment does not match her actions.

The harrassment comes from me following the advice here to pursue her with invitations for outings, events etc, walks, meals, making her breakfast, commenting on her appearance, telling her i love her, sending romantic txt msgs etc.

She repeatedly asked me to stop doing it because she wasn't going to change her mind. The last straw was her saying she now considered it harrassment and demanded it stop.

When I spoke to her and appologised for making her feel harrassed, that it wasn't my intention she said it didn't matter what my intention was it was how she perceived it. She then wanted to segway into discussing real rstate agents at which I responded by asking if she had plans for lunch.

This resulted in her shutting down all direct communication with me and moving our of our home.

The psycholigists appointment was not meant as marriage councilling, she wanted me to go so I could gain a better understanding of why she wants to end our relationship so I would better accept it rather than fight to save it.

I have stopped "harrassing" her with invitations and msgs, and am trying to focus in making deposits she can't refuse, ie, spending time on relationship with Stepson, which is actually making me feel better because of the positive way we are getting on. So even if things keep going south I will have built a stronger bond with him.

I am hoping she will feel comfortable enough to return to our home once the three week house sitting is up.

She will want to discuss financial settlement stuff then but at least we'll be in direct contact. I think that is more important than beligerently pestering her.

She sent me a txt msg after the psych session to thank me for coming.

I responded with this email this morning which she hasn't responded to.


Hey **EDIT**,

Thankyou for inviting me to attend the session with **EDIT** yesterday. I have to admit I was expecting a much less welcoming and interaction. I came away feeling grateful for his approach and a renewed sense of sadness at myself for this avoidable loss.


Listening to you express your deep sense of inner sadness it was very hard for me to not reach out and cradle you next to me. The realisation that you have felt lonely, abandoned, and unsupported by me for so long fills me with deep shame and regret.

I have been behaving independently throughout our relationship and have taken for granted that you would always be there for me and take up the slack I left in my wake. This has been a massive wakeup call for me. I am very aware now of what you need from me and I will do whatever it takes to learn to meet those needs.

Stepping up and taking responsibility for myself, our marriage, and family, is a gift and not a burden or unsustainable change. I have already gained from the changes I have made in relationships with all the kids, especially the boys. It was one of the most moving moments since meeting you and the boys, that me opening up and sharing my feelings to **EDIT** resulted in him expressing gratitude and respect towards me. I didn't have my father around to guide me so that is probably a large part of what has informed my reservations at being overly affectionate towards them.

Equally, my positive approaches towards **EDIT** have all been met with enthusiasm and of course **EDIT** has been screaming out for my attention and involvement, even more so now. Even though this is an especially stressful time for her I can see she is gaining comfort and calm from my steadiness.

Even though we are apart at the moment, this is an opportunity for us to gain some inner peace and calm; to regroup, reengage, and renegotiate and build on the positives we have together to a better more enriching and satisfying marriage and life partnership.

I know you are in a different and difficult space right now and I don't want to put pressure on you. I want you to know that my love and caring for you has not changed and I am here for you. I want to be there to support you and make sure you are happy, feel supported and fulfilled.



http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html


Love
**EDIT**

From common sense point of view, your communications is broken - your reply just indicated that you ignored what she said completely. You can pretend that nothing happens but it can hardly help.

You need to acknowledge what she says but you don't need to agree to that. Just reply what Dr Harley advised you - you love her more than life itself and all you ask is just one last chance which anyone deserves. BTW, your actions should follow your words...

On another note, is your stepson happy to live in a new place? Would he prefer to move back home?

I have already played the "one last chance" card. I sent her an email after the radio show which she rejected emphatically.

I'm sure the stepson would prefer his home, but he also feels he needs to support his mum. I'll keep inviting him and I know my wife will encourage him to do what he feels but he won't just abandon her.

It seems to me that telling her "all I am asking for is one last chance *which anyone deserves*" is disrespectful. It implies that if she disagrees with the idea that anyone deserves a last chance she is wrong.

You can go on asking her, and expressing things, but maybe keep them a bit shorter than that last email. Even if it's not there in the content, the length could be seen as a akin to a lecture/trying to educate.

Something like "I was glad to be able to attend the session. I am committed to doing everything I can to be a better husband to you." And then send her another short but sweet message as often as you can, and in response to whatever she sends you.

There is a bit of a cross over there. My last message to her after our session did not include a "last chance" request. I did that two weeks ago after my radio interview with the Harley's.

She wasn't swayed at all by that approach. She is very intellectually determined to follow this path. Dr Harley's take is that she is either genuinely very dissapointed that our marriage three months ago didn't change anything or that there is/was another man she was thinking was an option and had "buyers remorse" and felt she should have picked him.

It makes it very difficult to combat both a resentment and disapointment as well as an idealistic relationship she is planning to have.

I can find no evidence of a present relationship with OM.


I do think you have a good point regarding the approach to make with her. That would be the least aggravating way to still show affection to her.

When I was out exercising this morning and thinking about all the things I have done to destroy her love for me one of the things I most regret is the way I behaved prior to getting married. I didn't want to get married and one of the pre-wedding preparations was making 1000 paper cranes. I made such a pathetic contribution that frankly she should have walked away then. I behaved like [censored].

So today I resolved to make 1000 paper cranes and hang them in our bedroom in the hope that if she returns I can make 1000 micro transactions into her heart and try to heal some of the scars I inflicted.

I've calculated that at approx 3 mins per crane it will take approx 50 hours. She will be house sitting for 3 weeks so that's about 2.5 hours per day.

Achievable

Why didn't you want to get married and what caused your change of mind?

I think "marriage" is just a piece of paper. Commitment comes from within someone. I always told my "wife" I didn't need a piece of paper or a ceremony to commit myself totally to her. But it was important to her. So I proposed.

I guess I was proven correct. How much commitment can someone have if they'll go to all the trouble and expense of a ceremony, invite friends and relatives that travel hundreds kilometers and expense to attend, to just end it with no prior discussion 3 months later.

Frankly I think all it was for her was a self actualising event that she could tick off. Obviously it held absolutely no sacredness or genuine life commitment.