I'd be careful here. You know her best, but...

I'm an MB Novice but I can say as a woman, the cranes would backfire with me. If my husband did that I believe I would feel angry that I told him and I told him they were important to me at the time, and he ridiculed them and me. Now it's too late and he's spent how much time making 1,000 paper cranes I have no use for?

Even the 3 or 4 cranes a day thing would probably not work well because every time it would be a reminder that you didn't care what I wanted before the wedding.

Maybe that's just me, your wife may be totally different.

My H and I did not even have a wedding. He had some legitimate reasons for not wanting to have a wedding, and in hindsight I might have come to the same conclusion given the option. But he never asked what I wanted, he just plowed over my feelings with his logic for no wedding.

Now every time weddings come up - an invitation, a movie, a conversation - I feel hurt and resentful all over again. I see men doing so much to make their bride's big day a dream come true and think - my husband didn't even care what I wanted.

You don't want the paper cranes to serve as a constant reminder that when she asked for your support you couldn't be bothered. Now that she's reached the end of her rope, you're willing to make them. Now that she doesn't need them anymore...

She's leaving anyway so it will help either way.

I've left one on her car door with a messge in itallian. We used to send each other romantic messages in different languages the other had to decipher.

I'm also going to wrap one up in tissue paper with a little gift and post it to her work place.

I guess we'll see if she says anything or accepts them.

If you decide against the paper cranes, what about a similar, simpler gesture that she would not associate with the paper-crane-disappointment? On the folding front, you could learn some origami, make a flower, butterfly, etc. a day for her, leave it somewhere she'll find it as a surprise that says "I'm thinking of you and I associate you with feminine things like flowers..." Or a post it note campaign like Prisca described.

Something thoughtful and consistent, that she might come to miss if it stopped, but not grandiose over the top awkward.

I've already started the crane manufacturing process and have delivered one with one in transit.

But, I like your idea as well. I'll learn some other origami stuff and make them as well. I suppose it can't hurt. Well, at least until she explodes and tells me to stop doing it.

Even if your wife has an angry outburst, that does not mean that it hurt your marriage.

The cranes are a sign of affection. They wouldn't work for you because you would not see them as affectionate.

It is also natural for a woman in withdraw to be upset about signs of affection -- I tore up and threw away many of the postit notes markos left for me because his affection made me so uncomfortable. But, as with the pebble analogy, one little sign of affection at a time slowly builds the lovebank balance.

Thank you Marcos and Prisca - it's very reassuring knowing there is a slight glimmer of hope and that the behavior of someone that may change their mind will look the same as someone that won't.

It definitely helps me remain functional to maintain hope. I know when I start to slip into it feeling hopeless it's a very dark distressing place. It's 4 weeks today that she told me and I need to keep myself up for my daughter.

There are lots of ideas in these archived threads from the bottom of the forum.

Here:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=20&page=1

Wow - I haven't seen them - thanks

Welcome.
You are going to be okay, Dajavude.

What does your name mean anyway? I keep wanting to change it around with it for fun. (Dejavoodoo etc.) I hope you know that I'm just playing around...

All good mate.

What's the plural of Deja vu?


I am an idiot for letting two marriages get to the same point hence the sense of Deja vu. And apart from the disbelief, shame and regret, I have this over riding dread of having to go through this all over again.

So day 1 of operation crane seems to have gone as well as could have been expected.

I sent a translated email this morning in Danish to say i hoped she had a fantastic day. I also left one of the cranes on her car door handle with an affectionate msg in italian.

I rang her this afternoon to discuss interviews our kids are having to change schools. Firstly she answered her phone which she could have ignored. She sounded a bit stroppy. When I asked her about the interviews she warmed up a bit. She also advised that she would be staying in the house tomorrow night.

I guess if she felt sufficiently peeved by the two "pebbles" I threw she could have made a point of complaining or not taking phone call etc.

I'm going to leave a crane on her car again tomorrow and see how she behaves tomorrow night. I'm going to make pumpkin soup in the morning so she can have a stress free meal.

I am going to vacate the bedroom so she can have our room. She could choose to stay at a friends house so she must feel sufficiently safe to stay so all in all a good sign I guess.

Funny how life can turn optimism to [censored].

I just found an email confirming accomodation for trip she making to Sydney in 12 days.

It is a single room, double bed, booked for 2 adults.

I'm not sure what I should do?

She and stepson are coming to house tomorrow and staying one night. Should I confront her? Which will mean she'll know that I have access to her email?

I would not be able to handle the thought of her sleeping with another man.

I have just read a FB chat log she has had with one of her best friends where she has spent so much time making me out to be a selfish [censored] bludging off her.

She also states that 4 days ago she spent 3 days crying and feeling depressed.

Do not confront her, but investigate, don't loose your source of information.

The goal of operation investigate is to obtain solid proof of an affair (of lack thereof). You could hire a PI in Sydney to find out with whom she shares the room.

Don't confront her now with this information, she knows she booked a double room.

Are you still in denial or do you now believe she's having an affair?

Do not confront her. You need to find out who OM is.

I don't know if i am strong enough to let her go

Im really sorry D, but you actually have a better shot than you did yesterday. Knowing the problem means you can tackle it.

It's a perfect opportunity for a PI and you could then expose. If you could get proof of who the guy is/an EA you could expose before the Sydney trip.

I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility it's already physical though.



These are all typical side effects of waywardism though. The crying is actually a good sign.

Why would you if you don't want to? All the signs point to a guy who uses the addiction mind set of affairs to get sex on the side. He is only interested in her when she's married and therefore unavailable.

Affairs are awfully depressing places. Its your right to leave her to her mess, but if you love her you can help her. She needs everyones help.

Crying is a really good sign. I know this isn't her first affair (or is it that her first affair remained uncured and unexposed? A question for Dr H.) but recovery is more possible with the typical wayward wife. See below.




[/quote]