Oh my goodness let me just say you all are awesome. I know it may get tiring saying the same thing again and again but I for one benefit so much. I married someone who had no concept of POJA the first time around because I was so ready to be married, of course my marriage died, and then like everyone else I just wanted to go find someone to try and be a nuclear family with again, moving my ex-fiancee in twice even though it was clear to everyone else but me, and I mean everyone, that he was not marriage material. Thank goodness I finally got it into my head not to move a man in before marriage. I have to keep reminding myself that the house is not on fire!

You didn't post this on my thread. You posted this on another thread.

And actually the show either you or Brainhurts posted actually specifically warned single mothers against dating AT ALL. If you eventually have a steady boyfriend from dating, it can often lead to sex. It's unrealistic to think it can't or won't. I don't see anything wrong with casually dating and it's fine if it's not a priority, but it's not always not going to be a priority for me. That's just a fact.

And I do want to get remarried eventually. I don't think that either strange or dangerous. There is nothing wrong with me wanting a partnership when my first marriage was ruined by an affair that was not my fault and I had no control over.

Caution is in order, but I find these conversations really tiresome. Some people on these boards remarry, others don't. I completely understand the concerns, but in general, I find it pretty unrealistic to completely subsume a lot of your emotional needs for more than a decade because your ex-spouse exploded your marriage. Im not in any hurry and will probably wait a couple years to date at all, but If I find a good guy who can also willing to love me and be a good step-dad, I'm probably going to get remarried. I see guys on this site all the time who are good step dads with wayward wives who are trying to save their marriages for their step kids as well, so I know they exist.

Not really. It's only unrealistic if you settle for that.

I don't understand - do you just not know anybody who dated without having sex?

When your daughters get to be dating age, do you think it's unrealistic to expect them to date without having sex?

Of course, I've dated without sex. Most dating is without sex. But at some point, when the relationship becomes serious or exclusive it becomes difficult to abstain for most people. Anyone who makes it that far with me (to a year), I'm considering marrying. I'm not just going to keep endlessly dating that person.

What I am referring to is single mothers who date without getting remarried. That's fine, if it's all super casual. However, many people find someone to be exclusive with eventually. Then it becomes difficult to abstain for years and years if there is a no remarriage rule until the kids are out of the house (which doesn't guarantee anything by the way, adult children and step parents have problems to. I did with my dad's second wife and I was an adult when he remarried).

I only have one daughter.

I didn't say I posted it on "your" thread.

You did this on the other thread too, PW.

Here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849727&page=6



Then you apologized and said you were only referring to BH's radio clips.

Why are you arguing about dating when you just want to remarry? Just ignore Dr Harley's advice and do what you want in terms of remarrying.

Seriously, I don't get it.

I know exactly what I posted. I am posting the same thing and I am getting the same feedback. I know what harley says specifically about remarriage.

I keep posting because I am confused. The clips you posted or BH (and I only apologized because I got the poster wrong, not because I was mistaken about the content) posted talked about specifically said no dating AT ALL and if that is the case then most of the single mothers are just doing what they want.

Posters, particularly you, are incredibly stringent and strident on this topic and I want to know if it's for personal reasons or because there is some real backing. If the advice is not to date at all, that's fine, but let's be upfront about it.

I've written Dr. Harley on this topic and will cease posting.

If your mind is already made up, then there is no reason to post. But in the event that you are still listening, then consider this:

The problem with blended families has to do with the intrinsic situation and not the people involved. You seem to think that there is the right match out there with whom this whole thing will just work. That is not the case. Even if the guy were perfect, the kind of sacrifices he and you would have to make are inconsistent with the essential requirement that married spouses keep each other first in all decisions. That is why blended-family marriages fail 85% of the time. It isn't that the people just didn't find the right partners. It is that the situation is so difficult.

Here we go again. As I told you on the other thread that I linked above, I don't want to debate dating with you. I have told you that I have heard him give dating advice to a single mother to basically focus on friendship with her dating and I gave you clips where he says the danger of dating is that it will lead to marriage - but the main topic of the show is about the dangers of remarriage. Markos also just told you that Dr Harley has given different advice out regarding dating.

I have to confess I am puzzled by your position - you want to hold posters' (who plan to follow Dr Harley's advice regarding remarriage) feet to the fire and argue with them about dating, yet you are making arguments (even adult kids can have problems with stepparents, etc) and have said outright that you want to remarry. Really? Just write to Dr Harley for advice on your situation if you want it and be done with it.

I want to point out that *I* am not stringent on the topic of dating or remarriage.

Dr Harley is the one who warns about the dangers of remarriage which I completely get since my kids have been through hell with the divorce and then again with their father's remarriage.

Here is another example of Dr Harley's specific advice to another poster about her fiance (to continue dating but not marry until the kids are grown).

I agree. I see no point in dating if you intend on being single for years.
Most men dating are looking for a partner and the ones looking for casual dating are looking for sex.

On the flip side, i knew a woman that dated a guy and he told her he did not believe in premarital sex so they Waited until after marriage...and he was impotent! She left him a few months later without ever having sex with him!

I thought the boy lived with his dad.

All I can say is it's been working OK for me for three years now. Dating is not a big part of my life, but I have enjoyed male companionship, gone on a lot of great (and some awful) dates and made OS friendships. I know some other single moms who it has worked for as well.

If something were to have the potential to be serious, the way I look at it is that my youngest is 13 so I could push the remarriage until he is grown. If my kids were really little then I might not take the chance of dating if I had a strong desire to get remarried.

Well piglets child is 3 so she will need to wait 15 years to remarry or have sex.
How many men will say, okay i wjll wait 15 years for you?