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Sir visit your doctor and ask to be prescribed anti depressant medication so you can function. I'm not going to get AD. I did that last time and I suffered undesirable side effects for months after wards.
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You need to realize there are no 100% choices available to you other than divorce. That is the only 100% choice here.
I can point you to a few situations like mine where the husband fights and loses, and I can point you to a lot of situations where the husband fights and wins. Even if you fight, there is no guarantee other than a lack of regret. Give due diligence and I promise you, you will have no regret about the action you took.
What you are doing now is not due diligence.
If you can't afford a PI, completely exhaust your options for doing so with the understanding that it might mean the difference between saving your marriage and not saving it, and if you still have no funding available, then look at snooping other ways. I ended up taking out a loan against a car (use a bank, not a loan shark if you do this) I had already paid off because I didn't have the cash on hand and was not going to let $2000 be the difference between saving my marriage/not saving it and even simply knowing myself what in the world was happening. Can you really just walk away from this content to not know? How?!
Exposure is not a 100% option for reconciling your wife because your wife is temporarily insane and there are few 100% choices with crazy people. But it is a 100% choice for helping your daughter understand this moment in her life that is probably very troubling for her. And it's a 100% choice for choosing to be empowered and not imprisoned by this situation.
I'm sure anxiety is destroying you right now, because I can remember being in your shoes. You have plays to make, and once you make them, you will feel better. You're focusing on a lot of "if's" right now (e.g. if my wife would reconcile) instead of the "is's" in your situation.
Your wife is communicating with a lover, you have already uncovered this and shared it with us. Your wife is having an affair by any sensible definition of the word.
Your wife is about to leave you.
Your time is running out.
The only person keeping you in limbo is you.
Whether something will or won't work (e.g. Plan A) is not something you know anywhere near as well as the veterans here. Let them worry about the strategic soundness of Plan A.
You are not powerless here, you are just refusing to trust the advice given here enough to try it. I have been trying it and I am now in a position where I can't move forward. I have already spent close to $2000 on various things to get the information. There is a point where anyone would have to weigh the pros and cons on how much debt they are willing to go into for an uncertain return. I can only guess, but I reckon $2000 would be the starting point in any PI work and would be a self fulfilling money black hole - I need another day , I need another day, you've already spent $6000 - it would be a waste to not continue, etc etc.
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What is the custody arrangement with your daughter?
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What is the custody arrangement with your daughter? She is currently staying with me fulltime but this has only happened recently due to circumstances at her mothers house and may change. FYI my wife is not her natural mother. She is 15 and for all intents now there is no ongoing arrangement for her to spend time with my wife as my wife has stopped me having time with her son.
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Apparently I am the only one in this thread that thinks there might not be an actual relationship going on yet. The reason I asked for the letter your wife wrote, is to determine wether she uses wayward lanquage or that she indicates her lovebank is completely drained. You don't want to post the letter, so I've got to go with the intel you did provide. You mentioned your wife asking a man if he went to Sydney. This man has expressed his romantic interest in your wife at the end of her previous marriage. Your wife has a room for 2 persons in Sydney next week. You ask about plan A. Wether or not there's an affair, you should plan A. But if there's an affair, plan A is not nearly as effective as it could be. You will be drained and exhausted with little in return. That's why you must find out what is going on. So, how long would someone in my situation need to be in Plan A with a wife that has done what she has done, IF there was no OM?
1 Month, 3 months, 6 months ? What is realistic. My intuition is that if there was no OM she would have shown some sign by now right? It has been 3 weeks now, right? The way you describe your past behaviour towards your wife, I would think you need to make a lot of meaningful deposits to get to the romantic threshold. When that level is reached, you will see signs. If I'm wrong. I hope to be corrected, but I don't think she will show signs before you reach that level. I have been trying it and I am now in a position where I can't move forward. I have already spent close to $2000 on various things to get the information. There is a point where anyone would have to weigh the pros and cons on how much debt they are willing to go into for an uncertain return. On what did you spend $2000? I don't recall you mentioning anything about getting info, so I'm curious what you did and what you found out. Did you look into her Facebook contacts? That costs nothing. Did you google possible OM? Google is free. Did you google your wife and possible screennames? Women have a hard time not talking about their relationship/marriage. Chances are, she shares her thoughts/frustrations/feelings on some forum. What internet sites and social media does she frequently visit? Google (and Bing and all other searh engines) only cost you time. I can only guess, but I reckon $2000 would be the starting point in any PI work and would be a self fulfilling money black hole - I need another day , I need another day, you've already spent $6000 - it would be a waste to not continue, etc etc. Don't guess, get an estimate. You know the hotel she stays in, you know what your wife looks like, all that needs to be established is the identity of the second person in the room. PI's are more experienced with recognizing infidelity then you are, so they just might find it a lot quicker then you expect. They know what to look for. Just googled: Elite Surveilance Group, Spousebusters, Lipstick Investigations and Spousespy (and then some) operate in your area. Pick one, call for an estimate. Chances are it won't take more than a few hours to get your proof. You might get an answer for less then $500. If that's too much, some of them also sell spy products. Call, ask what they recommend (and then buy it cheaper on eBay). Don't get stuck if there's an obstacle, get around it, find another way.
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Things don'd add up. A newly married wife doesn't leave like this without giving signs. Either you haven't told us everything, or she's having an affair (or maybe somebody is trolling).
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Things don'd add up. A newly married wife doesn't leave like this without giving signs. Either you haven't told us everything, or she's having an affair (or maybe somebody is trolling). I'm not trolling. I'm as bemused about as anyone. Here is her letter Dear XXXX, I've had a long think about our conversation this morning and about your request for a list of things that woiuld need to change for me to be happy in our relationship. I don't think this is going to work for either of us. In jmy heart I know that I have given all that I am able and I don't want to put you through uncertainty and pain of this same situation down the track. We always agreed that if we decided either of us wasn't happy in the relationship we would do our best to separate amicably. I hope we can work out how to do this. I am staying with friends tonight and will come home on monday as planned. I hope we can work out a plan then.
Last edited by Dajavude; 08/03/15 04:58 AM.
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Things don'd add up. A newly married wife doesn't leave like this without giving signs. Either you haven't told us everything, or she's having an affair (or maybe somebody is trolling). I'm not trolling. I'm as bemused about as anyone. Here is her letter Dear XXXX, I've had a long think about our conversation this morning and about your request for a list of things that woiuld need to change for me to be happy in our relationship. I don't think this is going to work for either of us. In jmy heart I know that I have given all that I am able and I don't want to put you through uncertainty and pain of this same situation down the track. We always agreed that if we decided either of us wasn't happy in the relationship we would do our best to separate amicably. I hope we can work out how to do this. I am staying with friends tonight and will come home on monday as planned. I hope we can work out a plan then. This is not what I would call a long letter. What is it? Either you didn't post the letter, or it is wasn't a long letter. It was a long letter. She was very specific and I have paraphrased earlier in the thread. And I strongly advise you to google more.
Last edited by goody2shoes; 08/03/15 05:09 AM.
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I have gotten a quote. I can't afford the minimum charge let alone what it would likely cost so it's out of the question.
In relation to LB deposits I have no avenue to do anything about that now so its all pretty pointless.
I wrote her an email this morning with a clear apology to and a request to consider saving the marriage and family. She is obviously totally clocked out because she hasn't even responded with a no; just silence.
Like you said, OM makes the most sense I just don't have the resources to find out. Frankly I doubt it would make any difference. If she has no care or love for our marriage and family enough to respond to my genuine message it's pretty terminal.
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Things don'd add up. A newly married wife doesn't leave like this without giving signs. Either you haven't told us everything, or she's having an affair (or maybe somebody is trolling). I'm not trolling. I'm as bemused about as anyone. Here is her letter Dear XXXX, I've had a long think about our conversation this morning and about your request for a list of things that woiuld need to change for me to be happy in our relationship. I don't think this is going to work for either of us. In jmy heart I know that I have given all that I am able and I don't want to put you through uncertainty and pain of this same situation down the track. We always agreed that if we decided either of us wasn't happy in the relationship we would do our best to separate amicably. I hope we can work out how to do this. I am staying with friends tonight and will come home on monday as planned. I hope we can work out a plan then. This is not what I would call a long letter. What is it? Either you didn't post the letter, or it is wasn't a long letter. It was a long letter. She was very specific and I have paraphrased earlier in the thread. I was referring to her letter of 7 months ago where she gave me a long list of things that make her happy. The letter above is her leaving letter. The "Long letter" is just a list. eg. Things that make XXXXX happy  Often - (ie - daily as things come up) - express appreciation - Notice things about her (clothes, hair, etc) Sometimes - (ie weekly) - spend planned and spontaneous time together - take care of agreed jobs - Cook at least one meal - contribute to meal planning and shopping list - send spontaneous cute/ cheeky text or email Etc etc She spelled it out pretty damn clearly - that is just 1/3 of it. I honestly thought I was doing ok on these things. Certainly not perfect but no way was I so bad that she would feel she had to just cut me out of her life and proceed to instigate all the painful and damaging consequences that we now face.
Last edited by Dajavude; 08/03/15 05:16 AM.
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How do I close this thread and get it removed?
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How do I close this thread and get it removed? Why? Your thread from 2008 wasn't removed, and proved invaluable to those of us who are trying to understand this time. The way you are going, this will happen yet again.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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How do I close this thread and get it removed? You don't. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2263402#Post2263402We quite often receive requests from members to "remove all my posts or threads." Our policy is not to remove threads unless there is a real imminent threat. Removing entire threads is not fair to the posters who took the time to post to your thread. Even if it no longer applies to your situation, other readers may be able to benefit from the advice & suggestions given. We take these requests very seriously and will avoid doing this unless there are extreme circumstances.
Last edited by goody2shoes; 08/03/15 07:03 AM.
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It's moot now. Wife is too far gone. I've given up and focussing on getting settlement sorted and setting up a home for my daughter and I.
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It's moot now. Wife is too far gone. I've given up and focussing on getting settlement sorted and setting up a home for my daughter and I. I think thats a good priority. 15 is a very vulnerable age and if your wife is having an affair you choose between pursuing a cheating woman or providing safety and guidance for your teenage daughter.
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It's moot now. Wife is too far gone. I've given up and focussing on getting settlement sorted and setting up a home for my daughter and I. If you were to try Marriage Builders (investigate and expose the affair), it is possible that it might hasten the end of the affair and she might then want to be married to you since the two of you have a long history together. But since you don't want to do that, the decision you are making is probably the best alternative. Nobody is obligated to try to stay married to an unfaithful marriage partner. The pain and the trauma from infidelity are unimaginable to anybody who hasn't been through it, and the sooner you get healed, the better for you and your daughter.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's moot now. Wife is too far gone. I've given up and focussing on getting settlement sorted and setting up a home for my daughter and I. If you were to try Marriage Builders (investigate and expose the affair), it is possible that it might hasten the end of the affair and she might then want to be married to you since the two of you have a long history together. But since you don't want to do that, the decision you are making is probably the best alternative. Nobody is obligated to try to stay married to an unfaithful marriage partner. The pain and the trauma from infidelity are unimaginable to anybody who hasn't been through it, and the sooner you get healed, the better for you and your daughter. If I believed I was able to discover who it is in a reasonable time frame then I would keep trying. I just don't have any way of finding out anytime soon. I don't know where she is staying, I don't have access to any email or msg's. It's hopeless. It's like I am just sitting in the middle of an ocean waiting to die. At least what I am doing now is paddling to a known destination.
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If I believed I was able to discover who it is in a reasonable time frame then I would keep trying. I just don't have any way of finding out anytime soon. I don't know where she is staying, I don't have access to any email or msg's. It's hopeless. No, it's not hopeless, and you could do it, and many suggestions have been offered here that you are ignoring. But you don't have to take that route if you don't want to. It's like I am just sitting in the middle of an ocean waiting to die. I would strongly encourage you to see a doctor and get yourself put on some short term antidepressants. This will help you to even out your emotions, stay rational, and stick to a plan that will take you to a happier situation.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Step one is to stop saying "I can't."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Step one is to stop saying "I can't." You haven't seen her when she looks at me now or heard the things she has said. Her heart is filled with resentment and hate. There is no love anymore. She has someone else in her life and I have no means at my immediate disposal to do anything about it. I would be just prolonging my suffering by maintaining a hopeless vigil.
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