DV, have you seen your doctor about antidepressants, yet?


None of that has anything to do with whether or not you can find out who OM is.

None of that has anything to do with whether or not you can follow this plan.


It's a good thing nobody is proposing a vigil.

I would suggest you cut off contact from her, see an attorney, and arrange a rapid divorce and then never see or speak to her again. That is the best way to recover fast on your own.

See your doctor, DV.

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders Radio program, daily?

I cut off contact yesterday

I asked something like three questions in there, DV. For your sake, please focus, re-read, answer, and take the steps that aren't being taken.

Sorry Marcos I was not meaning to ignore your questions.

I don't want to use AD again. I did last this happened and I don't want the side effects again.

MB radio. I haven't listened the last two days but I have been up till then.

You'll have to forgive me as I don't see much point in anything at the moment.

Which is why you should see a doctor. There are new mess on the market if you go that route.

I still wouldn't trust them. I actually want to go through the pain anyway as a lesson.

Then don't come here and complain about how hard life is for you right now and how you feel too hopeless and powerless to change anything. Chalk up all of your wonderful feelings at the moment to your self-imposed "lesson".

No sympathy for a man who rejects the cure and then complains about the sickness.

I don't like the idea of taking antidepressants either but I wouldn't let that stand in the way of saving my marriage or self-respect.

Listen to MB radio long enough and you'll learn to identify your condition and understand why ADs are so vital.

Right now there is a big point to getting you healed which is why it is imperative that you get this divorce moved along, or work the plan that can stop the affair and possibly save your marriage.

Why don't you write Dr. Harley an email informing him of these new developments and asking him what he thinks about antidepressants. Give him a chance to talk to you about it.

I hated it. Cried like a baby.

Great - you can learn from experience how hard it is to turn your problems around when you hurt so bad you can't even think and wouldn't recognize a solution to your problems even if somebody handed it to you.

A smart man learns from his own mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

That is an excellent summary of this thread. It is pointless to seek lessons when you are not capable of learning.

That's a bit like saying to an asylum seeker locked up in detention "there's a university over there, stop your complaining and get yourself an education. What do you mean you can't?! You're just not trying hard enough"

Even though I haven't the means to find an affair, I have still kept being loving and affectionate towards her.

She has now threatened to take legal action for harrasment. I cannot afford a criminal record. Even an AVO in this country will prevent you from getting many jobs in future.

But you do have the means to find an affair. Many suggestions have been offered about how you can do this. The solution has been offered to you repeatedly. The people who follow the solution survive and recover; the people who talk about why they "can't" are the ones who do not.

It's a little bit like when I used to teach my little boys to take showers. I'd tell them to put their heads under the water faucet to wash their hair and they'd cry "I can't." I'd tell them "Yes you can, you're just scared, but you can do it anyway regardless of how you feel." Eventually they learned that even though they had a reason not to, they could still do it anyway.

If you'll do it anyway instead of saying "I can't," you'll get through this. Otherwise you're going to be in miserable pain for awhile.

Have you read even one single thread here besides your own? You'll find plenty of other people who said "I can't" and gave the exact same reasons as you, then did it anyway, and recovered. It helps to not have your head stuck so down deep in your own stuff that you refuse to learn from others.


That won't work though because you have to combat the affair.


There are two great solutions to that. One is to follow the Marriage Builders plan and recover your marriage. The other is to follow the Marriage Builders plan for a quick divorce and never see or talk to her again. You said you were going to divorce, so get it done already.

You aren't trying hard enough. You could take antidepressants and increase your capacity to deal with this, but you refuse to do it. You're leaving out valuable things that could help you.

You have showed up to a machine gun war with a pea shooter. A bunch of friends have offered you extra weapons, but you are declining to use them because you want to "go through the pain as a lesson." We hate to see you make that decision, but there's nothing we can do. You are choosing the pain. We, your friends, would like to help spare you the pain. We have seen this before and know just what would help.

Another great help you are refusing to use is the daily Marriage Builders Radio show. Are you still listening to it daily or did you give that up, too? The answers are there. Listening to the show is like having a free counseling session with Dr. Harley every single day. Are you taking advantage of that opportunity?

Literally the only option I had was to follow her 24/7. That was it. I'm already being threatened with legal consequences because apparently expressing affection and love towards your wife is harrassment. Even Dr H advised me to be careful following her as stalking is not considered a good thing.

Did you google her already? I gave some very good tips on that and it's free.

You wrote you spent $2000 on "getting information", but you haven't mentioned what that "getting information" was. Please tell us, so we can help you better.

If I were in your situation, I know I would at least establish if there's a second person in the hotelroom.

If a protective order is a serious risk to you, based on the rest of what I've read here, I would proceed with a divorce.

There are men who have fought through protective orders here and still recovered their marriage, and there are other men who had to file divorce as a consequence of protective orders. I was in the latter category, I ultimately decided my ex-wife was not worth the hassle of a protective order after months of a strong Plan A with no results.

Nobody will fault you if you decide to divorce. But you should begin to act decisively in one way or another in order to protect your own well being. Sitting on the fence is a prescription for indefinite misery.

Nobody told you to stalk her. I have to point out here that it makes no sense to me that you are worried about being charged with stalking but a short time ago were making plans to leave her a thousand paper cranes but yet can't quietly follow her. Whatever you say but it's very strange.

And....you continue to completely ignore the fact that part of the advice people are pointing out you refuse to follow is to take ADs.

I have to agree with axslinger about the divorce.

And if in the meantime her affair crumbles and she wants to reconcile with you, for heaven's sakes do not take up with a woman again (her or any other) that refuses to be transparent and talks to old affair partners.

I really hope you learn from your mistakes as it's really saddening to me as a BS divorced because of infidelity to see another like myself walk into the exact same situation again and rather than have eyes wide open be in complete denial.