Baseball game sounds like fun. As was said, you will probably make more love bank deposits by doing new and exciting things, than by doing things you have always done.

I think DQ hit it on the head. This is exactly what my H sometimes does. We have had many a conversation about it, and his response is almost always "but if I didn't want your input, I wouldn't bring it up" or something that conveys that, and my response is "if you have already decided, what and how, it makes me feel like you just want me to say yes and I don't feel like I can actually say no. How would you feel about phrasing things differently from now on?" Perhaps this is how your wife feels.

The point about selling the boat really has nothing to do with what I asked you.

What I'm trying to get you to establish is whether this would be a great day out, in her mind. I don't need to know that answer to that, but it's that sort of consideration you should be making when coming up with dating ideas.

I find it worrying that, having being encouraged by recent posts to try harder, the thing you suggest to your wife is something that you know is "your thing" rather than her thing, that you also enjoy. I find it worrying that your mind goes straight to a traditional activity - which means that you do this every year on this weekend, and so are NOT thinking of things to boost your marriage. It's disappointing that that you KNOW the boat has been the source of conflict in the past, and you know that an activity that involves friends is not a date, and yet you suggest this to your wife as a way of dragging your marriage out of its trough.

It seems to me that what you have really done, Remark, is to choose an activity of yours that you would have done anyway without your wife, and asked her if she wants to tag along, and called this an attempt at reviving the marriage.

It's less than half-hearted and it is a bit pathetic, really.

The fact that she said "go ahead and set it up with friends, and then I'll see" suggests to me that your wife isn't enthusiastic about this day out. Don't you see that? And therefore, doing as she said and setting it up is not your attempt to please her. It's disregarding her obvious lack of enthusiasm, while happily arranging something that you wanted to do anyway. If she goes along for the day you can put a tick on the "time with wife" chart, and if she doesn't, you can go anyway and have a great time doing what you love.

Really disappointing.

I just reread my post and my written emphasis appears a bit harsh...so sorry.

Remark- Just remember that all of this effort will pay off one way or another.

I think that a call to Steve Harley would be super helpful for you right about now. I think that you could use some support and direction.

She doesn't want to do anything with me at this point and being subject her angst makes it difficult for me to want to engage and do anything with her, I'll be honest.

We both have a responsibility to be appealing, pleasant to the other so that the other wants to be around us, right? (Be the favorite person to be with to quote Dr H)

She needs to know she is safe around you. Your actions over a long period of time should express that you care for her and will make sure you won't gain at her expense.
You cannot control another person, you can only control yourself. If you don't want to be with her, sign the divorce papers and leave it all behind you. If you want to be with her, win her over. Start yesterday.

P.S. Sorry for the delayed response. I had a big financial decision to deal with last night that I have to decide on today. So, I spent last night evaluating it.

Thanks,
Remark

I find this P.S. a little alarming Remark, did you spend the entire evening evaluating this "big financial decision" with JD2D?

Surely you know by now that no decision, let alone big ones you spend an entire evening evaluating, should be made without the POJA, and therefore no decision should be made without JD2D.

You haven't even tried to win her over...
You have not started showing extraordinary care.

Remark has been attempting to learn extraordinary care for a very long time, for very little reward. He has learned very little, and he is constantly abused in his marriage.

Remark's withdrawal indicates his exhaustion to me. He has been in Plan A for many months with very little payoff and this is the result.


He is worn out. I wonder if we should slap the hell out of him for that?

I think withdrawal (and divorce) is probably the appropriate response for both Remark and his wife. Neither is ready to eliminate love busters. Neither demonstrates extraordinary care. It may be time to let it go.

Remark has reached the point that he can go no further until his wife steps up and is willing to do her part.