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It DOES matter what he does, and I find it very counter-productive of you to contradict Steve's specific instruction. It is part of the MB program that BOTH spouses do their part, not for one spouse to pull all the weight while the other sits back and watch. You have refused to do yours, and Remark cannot go any further without you actually contributing to the marriage by stopping your lovebusting and engaging in UA. But you refuse. There is no contradiction there. None of what you've just said parallels what Steve said. You're not helping. You're undermining anything that Steve accomplished with Remark.
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I doubt very seriously that Steve would agree that you do not need to stop your lovebusting.
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You have told him: "I have no feelings about your independent lifestyle, as we are divorcing. (Marriage requires PoJA and this is not.)"
Why, then, do you complain that he is living independently and moving on? I don't complain that he is living independently and moving on. I complain that he is living independently AND CLAIMING TO BE DOING EVERYTHING HE POSSIBLY CAN TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE. It would be more productive if your complaints were specific about behaviors you'd like him to add or end. It is extremely common for men to feel they are doing all they can and to simply not understand that they can do more. On this site we try to educate men about that, but being judgmental to him for saying it doesn't really help him at all. Steve's instructions were very specific.
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Steve did NOT tell you to lovebust your husband by punishing him for every mistake he makes. He did not tell you to fight with him. He did not give you a pass on this -- you are not the first wife in all of MB history that has permission from the MB staff to punish her husband.
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I doubt very seriously that Steve would agree that you do not need to stop your lovebusting. Speculate all you'd like. There was no discussion by Steve to me of my LB's, though I'm sure Remark spent time discussing them with him. There were specific instructions to Remark.
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You have told him: "I have no feelings about your independent lifestyle, as we are divorcing. (Marriage requires PoJA and this is not.)"
Why, then, do you complain that he is living independently and moving on? I don't complain that he is living independently and moving on. I complain that he is living independently AND CLAIMING TO BE DOING EVERYTHING HE POSSIBLY CAN TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE. It would be more productive if your complaints were specific about behaviors you'd like him to add or end. It is extremely common for men to feel they are doing all they can and to simply not understand that they can do more. On this site we try to educate men about that, but being judgmental to him for saying it doesn't really help him at all. Steve's instructions were very specific. Which has nothing to do with whether or not your complaints are specific and free of lovebusters.
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Steve did NOT tell you to lovebust your husband by punishing him for every mistake he makes. He did not tell you to fight with him. He did not give you a pass on this -- you are not the first wife in all of MB history that has permission from the MB staff to punish her husband. Still avoiding the fact that Steve gave me no instruction and he gave specific ones to Remark.
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I doubt very seriously that Steve would agree that you do not need to stop your lovebusting. Speculate all you'd like. There was no discussion by Steve to me of my LB's, though I'm sure Remark spent time discussing them with him. There were specific instructions to Remark. And yet, if you are going to follow MB, you must eliminate your lovebusters. You are not an exception to this rule.
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Steve did NOT tell you to lovebust your husband by punishing him for every mistake he makes. He did not tell you to fight with him. He did not give you a pass on this -- you are not the first wife in all of MB history that has permission from the MB staff to punish her husband. Still avoiding the fact that Steve gave me no instruction and he gave specific ones to Remark. You do not have a free pass to continue to lovebust your husband. If you believe you do, then Remark would be wise to continue with the divorce and move on.
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] Steve's instructions were very specific. Which has nothing to do with whether or not your complaints are specific and free of lovebusters. But has everything to do with my original statement that your current approach to Remark's and my situation is contradictory to Steve's instruction and you are undermining anything he accomplished. I asked if your H would be willing to assist Remark in compiling the log that Steve instructed him to do, since he professes to be quite familiar with our situation and thinks Remark has done lots of positive things. THAT would be supportive of what Steve instructed, but he completely ignored my post and you/he have continued with your own independent (contradictory) position. THAT IS NOT HELPFUL.
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I see a lot of punishing behavior if you ask me. So if I sum it all up by saying that this situation -- the marriage relationship as he offers it -- is not something I'm interested in continuing in, and that a future together requires a change on his part, but that without it I'm divorcing him ... is that punishing? Or just a healthy decision I'm making for myself? That's not punishing at all; that is your choice to make. Marriage is not a suicide pact. But to continue to monitor and criticize his behavior is not healthy for you. You would do far far better to ignore him.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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] Steve's instructions were very specific. Which has nothing to do with whether or not your complaints are specific and free of lovebusters. But has everything to do with my original statement that your current approach to Remark's and my situation is contradictory to Steve's instruction and you are undermining anything he accomplished. I asked if your H would be willing to assist Remark in compiling the log that Steve instructed him to do, since he professes to be quite familiar with our situation and thinks Remark has done lots of positive things. THAT would be supportive of what Steve instructed, but he completely ignored my post and you/he have continued with your own independent (contradictory) position. THAT IS NOT HELPFUL. You ignoring your own lovebusters is not helpful to your marriage.
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I see a lot of punishing behavior if you ask me. So if I sum it all up by saying that this situation -- the marriage relationship as he offers it -- is not something I'm interested in continuing in, and that a future together requires a change on his part, but that without it I'm divorcing him ... is that punishing? Or just a healthy decision I'm making for myself? That's not punishing at all; that is your choice to make. Marriage is not a suicide pact. But to continue to monitor and criticize his behavior is not healthy for you. You would do far far better to ignore him. Again, contradicting Steve's specific instructions. The purpose of Remark keeping the log was so that Remark could SHOW ME what effort he's making, not so that I could "ignore him."
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JDtD, I really think you need to quit lecturing us on what is or is not helpful. We have turned our marriages around and we know how Dr. Harley's principles work. If you don't like what we have to say you are welcome to click ignore on us.
But you are shooting the rescue copters!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Telling you that your lovebusters are destructive, that they must stop, that your continued punishment and abuse gives Remark no motivation to do anything, that all he has to look forward to is a critical wife who punishes him for every mistake, does not in fact contradict Marriage Builders.
Steve would not agree that you can continue to do all that and have a good marriage.
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] Steve's instructions were very specific. Which has nothing to do with whether or not your complaints are specific and free of lovebusters. But has everything to do with my original statement that your current approach to Remark's and my situation is contradictory to Steve's instruction and you are undermining anything he accomplished. I asked if your H would be willing to assist Remark in compiling the log that Steve instructed him to do, since he professes to be quite familiar with our situation and thinks Remark has done lots of positive things. THAT would be supportive of what Steve instructed, but he completely ignored my post and you/he have continued with your own independent (contradictory) position. THAT IS NOT HELPFUL. You ignoring your own lovebusters is not helpful to your marriage. I'm not ignoring my own behavior. I'm trying to re-focus the instruction to be in line with the advice that was handed down by the trained professional that owns this site, since that seemed to be HIS primary focus.
Last edited by JustDaytoDay; 09/02/15 10:22 PM.
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I see a lot of punishing behavior if you ask me. So if I sum it all up by saying that this situation -- the marriage relationship as he offers it -- is not something I'm interested in continuing in, and that a future together requires a change on his part, but that without it I'm divorcing him ... is that punishing? Or just a healthy decision I'm making for myself? That's not punishing at all; that is your choice to make. Marriage is not a suicide pact. But to continue to monitor and criticize his behavior is not healthy for you. You would do far far better to ignore him. Again, contradicting Steve's specific instructions. The purpose of Remark keeping the log was so that Remark could SHOW ME what effort he's making, not so that I could "ignore him." Steve told you to love bust and badger him even after it was known you are divorcing him? I seriously doubt that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
I'm not ignoring my own behavior. I'm trying to re-focus the direction to be in line with the advice that was handed down by the trained professional that owns this site, since that seemed to be HIS primary focus. That trained professional does not advocate love busting.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Again, contradicting Steve's specific instructions. The purpose of Remark keeping the log was so that Remark could SHOW ME what effort he's making, not so that I could "ignore him." But if he's not going to do that, then MB does not tell you that you can punish him and lovebust him. MB tells you to go to Plan B.
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Steve told you to love bust and badger him even after it was known you are divorcing him? I seriously doubt that. Nope, he didn't tell me anything like that. There must be some reason why he opted to take the direction he did. Still, no one seems the least bit concerned that REMARK DID NOT DO WHAT STEVE SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM TO DO. For some reason, it seems more productive for everyone to speculate on what he DID NOT TELL ME.
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