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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Also, if i went somewhere today, what would follow at school tomorrow? That's the hardest part of all.


Call your parents.... Tonight & come up with a game plan....

Pack & leave after school with your kids tomorrow night for the weekend.

Let the cards fall.

If he shows up & goes nuts- good- call the police & file a restraining order. It would be the best thing for him.

All abusive men say "im done" "leave" etc. it is just meant to scare you he doesnt want you telling others about your issues- this means you should!!!!!

If he starts Anything- call the police! Seriously- and get away from him.

Right now, call your folks & plan on going there for the weekend.
Heck- can your mom or dad come over tonight & just stay the night with you?

If he tries something at school.....go immediately to the office & Call the police!

If its just nonsense- dont talk to him, leave the room etc.

"You are scaring and bothering me- please leave me alone." Its your mantra.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Originally Posted By: buildsherhouse
I am very interested in what Dr Harley tells you. I hope you will share here. Keep reaching out for help. Also, it is not against marriage builders principles to hold some information privately in the process of getting advice. Be strategic with what you say until you have a plan confirmed.


Exactly. The policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement DO NOT APPLY when there is abuse.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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JBK, your fear has emboldened him for a very long time. You can make a decision today to stop doing this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know you are right, what about the kids, what do i do when he says "you can't have the kids"...

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Also, what about stuff? I feel like he might destroy all my clothes or do something crazy like that if i just left. This is so hard not knowing specifically what is going to happen.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Also, what about stuff? I feel like he might destroy all my clothes or do something crazy like that if i just left. This is so hard not knowing specifically what is going to happen.


Well, your life is worth more than stuff....

Take anything that is important- kids documents, birth certificates etc.... But some things are just gonna have to stay & risk it.

If you go talk to your family- they can help you with this.

If he physically tries to stop you from leaving "with the kids" - you call the police!!!! Tell them your going to your parents for the weekend & your husband is scarring you.

Your parents should come & be with you as you do this- don't do this alone!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I know you are right, what about the kids, what do i do when he says "you can't have the kids"...


Without a court order- you or him could leave with the kids....
But the court would intervene if they needed.

He can not stop you from taking them.... And if your family is there- I don't believe he will try to stop you.


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Yes, i will definitely share.

Joyce said "it sounds like a lifetime movie". Which i agree with but coming from someone who deals with marriage issues everyday, that says a lot!

I am worried about asking him to call because he will be back home before too long. I am elailing him now.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16

I am worried about asking him to call because he will be back home before too long. I am elailing him now.





Don't worry! You are a grown woman who is perfectly free to talk on the phone.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have never been "free" to do much of anything. But i understand, just didn't think he should hear, and make things get worse before tomorrow

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Originally Posted By: Elaina7
Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I know you are right, what about the kids, what do i do when he says "you can't have the kids"...


Without a court order- you or him could leave with the kids....
But the court would intervene if they needed.

He can not stop you from taking them.... And if your family is there- I don't believe he will try to stop you.


I feel pretty sure he would try to stop me. Would it not be better to leave while he isn't there?

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Originally Posted By: Elaina7
Originally Posted By: JBKT16
I know you are right, what about the kids, what do i do when he says "you can't have the kids"...


Without a court order- you or him could leave with the kids....
But the court would intervene if they needed.

He can not stop you from taking them.... And if your family is there- I don't believe he will try to stop you.


I feel pretty sure he would try to stop me. Would it not be better to leave while he isn't there?


if you can...sure!
Do you have time tomorrow when he will be gone?

Have you called your parents? His? Go do this while you can....


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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I was talking to his sister when he got home, so i cut the conversation short. But she knows everything and is very understanding of where i am coming from. She knows a lot of our history anyway, but she was shocked that we were still having problems. Have not talked to mine yet. Am hoping i can go see them tomorrow after school. I'm not feeling too worried about us blowing up, we are just not talking at all. He may have really meant it when he said he was done.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
He may have really meant it when he said he was done.



You should agree with him. Tell him your first preference is to save the marriage, but if he won't address and resolve the things that are making you so unhappy with him, that you would agree that "we are done."

Saying this will neutralize his threat. Just AGREE with him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I just saw this response this morning, but I did agree with him. I didn't talk to him at all and he didn't talk to me. He went to bed and I just staying on the couch.

I knew the silence (on his part) would end in a blow up and it did. After I got dressed this morning, he glared at me with a dirty look, then started talking about the way I was dressed (I guess he thought I looked cute and didn't like it). I continued to stay calm (which is a good step for me, because I have not been able to in the past). Then he caught me in the kitchen and started yelling in my face, to the point where I continued to pack up to where he basically had me corned. He never actually pushed me, but he backed me in to a corner (literally).

Then, when I was able to remove myself from that situation, he followed me out to the car and ended up throwing the burger he was making at me. Obviously he wasn't going to hurt me with a burger, but it was so insulting. Luckily the kids didn't see any of it. They did hear him raise his voice and the oldest was upset, but they didn't see anything that happened.

I drove off and did not engage him when we left for work. He tried to pick a fight with me, but I just left for work.

Fast forward to us getting to school. He comes up and asked "so what are you going to do" "are you going to be there when I get home tonight?" At this point he was being sincere and I think he was really realizing what he had done, and that I was really thinking of leaving (although I did NOT mention that to him anymore - he probably just could tell by the way I was handling myself). I got a text a little later that said "I'm sorry you have fallen out of love with me, I never thought that would happen." I told him that I did still love him, but that I some point I had to look out for my well being.

We ended up talking a bit in person after that. Everything was very calm and he was very receptive to listening (I do understand that he was only this way because he realized how bad it was - that nothing is changed for the future yet).

I just explained to him that I could not continue to take the abuse and that I had tried to stick through it for this long, and that I didn't have the energy anymore. Surprisingly, he seemed to really understand, or at least to listen without getting mad at me. He proceeded to tell me that he was in the process of emailing Dr Harley and that if going on the show and trying their methods would help that he was willing to do it. (All this after he was furious with me for contacting them in the first place.)

So now I am at a what to do now point? I really want him to speak with them, I have been wanting him to do that for a year now.

Here are the options I feel like I am considering:

Option #1: Packing up a bit and going to my families today while he is gone, and telling him that we need some space to work things out. And that if he will seek help and change things that I would be glad to try again with him AFTER he has shown me things can stay different.
Pros: Not have to deal with anymore "incidents"/ Get rid
of the stress of the unknown
Cons: No plan for finances / no time to figure out the
logistics / feel very unorganized about trying to
make it all happen in a couple hours (tell family,
pack, etc)
Option 2: Wait to see if he follows through with Dr Harley,
and begin to put things in place in the meantime (go
ahead and confide in my mom, work on solutions for
the finances / write a letter explaining my position
and what I would like him to work on while
separated) With the idea that one outburst would
result in me immediately leaving no matter when or
what.
What do y'all think? What gives us the best chance????

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Don't wait for him to contact Dr. Harley. Proceed with your plan, pack up and leave today. If your husband is serious about changing, this will keep him motivated to change.

You've waited far too long for him to change as it is. Let him prove that things are going to be different.


Markos' Wife
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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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He threw something at you today.That is assault. His fists WILL fly soon.

You need to get out. Call the local women's shelter for advice, pack a bag and don't go back to the house. If you have to leave work to get it done, do it.

He is going to beat You if you don't get away.

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Option 1.

I've been the source of angry outbursts in the past out of sheer frustration but I never, ever imagined laying a hand or anything else on my wife and never ever came close.

What he did, that's a whole different deal and on another level that could lead to something else. Please don't try to rationalize it.

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Option 1 , definitely.


Married to Pearlseeker for 13 yrs
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Originally Posted By: KPT
Option 1.

I've been the source of angry outbursts in the past out of sheer frustration


Dr. Harley's position is that angry outbursts are not to be tolerated in marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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