And when I say she saw him, I do not mean at work.

Of course I do not think it is over. I did not believe it was over. Since she said it was over, I was hoping she would provide some evidence, but she did not do that. Then I discovered that they meet and write to each other secretly, which makes it obvious that it is not over.

I do not know if I need to go to plan B yet. I hope to get an answer to that question in my other thread. What I was hoping to find here is an answer to the question: If I need to go to plan B, how do I prepare and execute, given the advice that this is I who should leave despite the fact that it is her that is having the affair.

I'm sorry to hear this.. If she wants it to be over she has to end it.

Sir, this is what you need to focus on. Dr. Harley has dealt with more than 50,000 cases of infidelity and strongly recommends exposure.

Please do what the thread instructs.

People in affairs dont want to end their affair, juat how drug addicts dont want to end their habit. It becomes an addiction.

I am not saying I am ready. I am trying to find out how to do it if I need to. I admit I am new to the forum. This is why I am trying to get educated on how to do it if I need to.

Yes, I need to get educated on Marriage Builders first and I have already started doing that. This is why I have questions. From what I read, there are some situations when plan B is the option that needs to be considered.

Thanks for that advise. Yes, I get it. I have read Dr. Harley's articles on exposure and the threads on exposure. In Dr. Harley's articles I red about some exceptions where he did not recommend total exposure and I am afraid some of them might apply here. I was also talking to some therapists and they were not enthusiastic about this idea (actually I was thinking about doing it before I even found this website). They were extremely cautious about sharing the info with children. Do not take me wrong, I am not saying total exposure is ineffective or a bad idea. I am just still trying to make my own judgement if this is the best option for me.

Which makes me think - why not let her have it? If this guy is indeed so much better than me, why not remove myself from the picture. I am very confident that facing the reality of me gone would not be as rosy for her as it is now. That is why I am thinking about plan B.

This is not the case that I discovered the affair before yesterday. I have joined the forum before yesterday, but learned about the affair more than three months ago. You in this forum would say I did not do full exposure, but I did do some (close friends and relatives, not children). And I think it was effective to some degree because she got soooo furious, which is exactly what you in this forum say you expect. I have also intuitively followed a plan that in my mind resembles plan A. I mentioned before, we had nice vacation together, I have been nice and polite, never angry or disrespectful. After I found that she is still not honest with me, I am thinking, does it really make sense to keep doing what I have been doing.

Please listen to the radio clips in here.
Beware of Bad Counselors

Your posts are now all in this thread. Please stick to one thread in future.

You need to plan A and expose without warning. Read the link you were given in how to expose, including a work place exposure.

Doing a half mule exposure is not effective. You want to kill the affair then learn how to do a proper exposure. Then expose everyone that was left off the first time and also re-expose those done the first time stating how the affair is still on. Then tell WW she has to leave that job today. After a full exposure at work WW will be motivated to quit or maybe asked to resign.

A therapist thinks exposure isnt good?
Is the therapist a former college professor, author of best selling books on marriage and former owner of the largest chain on mental health clinics in Minnesota?
or is it someone with a degree or certificate going off of their inexperienced judgement in dealing with affairs?

Therapists are ineffectual. Ill tell you straight up that exposure is the ONLY thing that saved my marriage.

]
Dr Harley does recommend total exposure. He does not recommend the little trickle exposure that you did, because it is not effective.


The judgment we are giving you comes frm an expert in saving marriages from infidelity. Any person who tells you not to expose does not know how to save marriages. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them is often ruinous. Keeping the affair a secret only serves to enable it.

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says this:


And any person who tells you to lie to children is giving you bad advice. What hurts children is lying to them and committing adultery.

Is anything that she is using to facilitate her affair being paid by you? Does she pay for all her own devices?

You don't need to worry about Plan B for another 6 months at the earliest. Concentrate on Exposure and Plan A right now.

Everything is paid by me indirectly. For a long time we have been a single (my) income family. She started working recently, not because we needed more money, but because she wanted to. She makes very little money. We do not have separate bank accounts, so she does not pay for all her own devices.

I do not know if I can continue plan A anymore. I just cannot take it anymore. She saw him again yesterday. Being nice to her is almost impossible. She is disrespectful in interacting with me, almost confrontational, ironic, she laughs at me.