I took my kids and left my husband after a weekend I call the blow up weekend. He let us return home and is staying elsewhere. Our history:

Marriage problems from the beginning. His biggest complaint was sex (or lack of). I had some baggage from choices I'd made previously (slept with most of my college boyfriends and once a guy I only dated twice - really the latter had me dealing with esteem issues). We didn't (and still don't) know how to communicate or solve problems. He also has baggage from an abusive childhood. He has a very bad anger problem. I could include a long list of items thrown, broken, holes in wall, scary road rage, once he even ripped his shirt off in anger, and another time banged his head on the headboard. Not to mention all the cussing, blaming, and intimidation during arguments. Needless to say whatever problems we've had with sex never got any better for me with the anger.

Early in marriage about twelve years ago he had a pain pill addiction (resulted from back injury - he is now on disability and I work). It culminated with him choking me and bruising me. I made him leave. After three weeks I let him come home if he'd quit the pills. He'd did and never hit me again either. But that temper and anger has always been there (ie the list I could write). And the sex issue. For me it's mostly been having sex when I don't want to with no emotional connection and at times can't stand his touch and cry during.

Fast forward to the blow up weekend. He was getting very depressed and holding in a lot of resentment. Saying no one (kids included) cared about him, no one wanted to be around him, and no one wanted happiness but him. We were all trying to keep the peace and do the right things to keep him happy. But yet we would avoid him as who wants to be around to be yelled at and witness his outbursts. In the summer when I was at work my youngest 9 at the time didn't want to go downstairs afraid of bring yelled at. That weekend he drank, wrecked a car, broke at least $500 worth of damage, threw a full water bottle at me (missed), and when I wasn't there am told he threatened to fight our 15 year old, and did push he and our middle son in a chair. The rage got so concerning I called the police. No arrest he just had to leave for one night.

I've been numb and "broken" for so long. That weekend I saw my 15 year old with the same look. I left. It's been about two months and he still thinks I was wrong to call the police and says that I've abandoned him and shouldn't have just taken the kids. Many times I think this is all my fault to. If I had been a better wife/done this/not said that...

I do believe in the middle years we could have solved our problems. Life has been hard for me with him being chronically disabled. I have a full time job and all the household duties. I've tried to enlist the kids help but then would be belittled for trying to structure their time too much with routine. So to survive and keep up I withdrew. I had nothing left to give. And I was a teacher (job requiring many extra home hours) but about two years ago changed careers. All that aside, I do know I've contributed to marital issues too. I didn't make time (which is hard though in my situation).

He really wants to come home and fix the marriage, and says that the separation has made it worse. I'm afraid of more of the same and that potential could be there to cause harm if he doesn't control his anger. He is taking a new medication and says it helps. But he blew up in marriage counseling, slammed a door to take a breather, and then verbally attacked the counselor and was asked to leave. Her observations are that he is too defensive and it won't work at least with her since he doesn't trust her and that I am too shut down. I am definitely not in love with him. I want to do the right thing, not sure what that is, not sure if I want to try, but can't bring myself to divorce either. Not sure where to go from here. I don't know how to let down my barriers. Oh and never any infidelity and been married 16 years.

Welcome to MB.

Have you seen this? What to do with an Angry Husband

I just read through the link. I've actually read most of the articles directed to in the post. Thank you.

My struggle of being unsure what to do is this. He tries to do right, be a good man, and really loves his family. Since he's disabled we are all he has. He stays home all day and mostly sits watching tv or playing video games. He says it's constant work to deal with his pain. If any little thing goes wrong (ie the Comcast remote not working) and he shows even slight frustration my senses are heightened waiting for what more may come. So there is this other side. It is hard for to reconcile the two. I don't know if I should say come home and find a new counselor or stay separated until when and if we can make things work (I don't feel any needs were being met and he'd probably say the same). But right now I am so withdrawn I don't have a desire to see or talk to him. Others tell me that staying with him could be potentially unsafe. I'm not sure if I agree but I also don't know if my perceptions are skewed or not.

Hi flowergirl, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are doing the right thing. Dr. Harley would absolutely advise that you don't allow him back home until he RESOLVES his anger issues. He should not be allowed around you until he goes through anger management training and learns to control his behavior. You should never tolerate another angry outburst. Your husband is out of control when he is angry and he can kill you when he is out of his mind.

Is he an alcoholic?


Another condition, besides completely overcoming his anger issues with a professional, would be that he stop drinking forever.

Please read all the information we have here about anger management and how to manage it. It is all developed by Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders.

There is only one side. That side is that if he needs his family so much, he needs to stop pushing them away. Being in pain is no excuse to abuse others. As his wife, you should DEMAND that he behave better. Do you want your sons to grow up to be angry punks? Their lives will be lives of rejection and loneliness if they behave like their dad. They need to see that most women will never tolerate such treatment.


Yes, you are unsafe. He needs to go through intensive anger management and demonstrate anger control for AT LEAST A YEAR. This man can kill you when he us out of control. It doesn't have to be like that. He can stop drinking, get his anger under control. Once that happens, we can teach you how to fall in love again. BUT that can never happen in the current environment.

No he isn't an alcoholic. He had been temporarily (several months or so) drinking moonshine from a friend to deal with pain, both physical and emotional. As soon as I left he quit. As it wasn't long term I don't think there is a problem there. He also smokes weed for pain (not legal in our state). He claims he has to have something and I won't let him take pain pills. Damn right after the choking instance twelve years ago. I'm sorry he's in pain. It is really bad. But he clearly can't handle substances. Weed may not be as bad but I don't even like it. He started growing it to save money. It controlled so much of our lives. I couldn't just ask my sister to come over. I had to make sure he wasn't working on it because we hid it from everyone. Even our kids had to hide it. They couldn't have a friend spend the night if it was going to be a time when it would smell up the house. I still get angry when thinking about how many years it controlled us.

I also posted a reply that recorded before yours.

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Men who love their families don't abuse them. If he wants to prove he loves his wife and children, he can take the necessary steps to completely eliminate his abusive behavior. He doesn't try too hard from what you describe.

Is he still smoking dope? Your lives sound completely out of control due to his anger and his use of dope. My husband also has chronic back problems and he is not taking dope. He manages it with steroid treatments and advil. Has your husband looked into other alternatives or is he using his back pain as an excuse to get high?

Yes he is still smoking. Since separated he withdrew a lot of money to buy some since he isn't growing it anymore. He quit that after I left. But only because he wasn't sure what I might do (turn him in). But now he isn't here so he can't grow it. We owed my parents some money that we didn't have to pay back until they died (it would come out of my split with siblings) but I went ahead and paid them now. I didn't want all our savings spent on weed. He thought I was wrong but I felt he was wrong to blow money on it. But then I start thinking (like he wants me to) that he does need pain relief. He does have a bad condition. He walks with a cane and barely at that.

I missed the other question. He tried other treatments many years ago but to no avail. At some point he gave up on doctors and succumbed to the thinking this is it, nothing I can do, it will gradually get worse. It's been years and I know they have to have something new that could help.

Your husband is a mess and part of the reason is because he has been enabled to such a great extent. I realize you have stopped that now, but I would take this a step further by not allowing him back into your lives until he makes radical changes in his lifestyle. Being in pain does not entitle him to abuse others. Another problem is that he will never be able to control his behavior if he is high on narcotics. Not to mention that pot is illegal in most states. He would need to get treatment from a pain management specialist and agree to stay off of alcohol and pot.

I would make this a condition of coming back:

1. complete anger management treatment and demonstrate new behavior traits for at least a year

2. eliminate all alcohol and pot

3. find pain management solutions that will complement your marriage by seeing a pain management professional - it must be a solution about which you are ENTHUSIASTIC

4. start dating after he has completed anger management and use the methods in this program to restore romantic love

Will he get into an anger management program?

This should be a must before you allow him back. Where is he staying now?

If he wants people to be around him, he needs to stop abusing them.

He hasn't done it yet but said that he would go to anger management. I don't remember this but he said it was court ordered twelve years ago. When he choked me he was also arrested for deadly conduct (no guns now). Apparently he feels it didn't help. But then I did let him come home after three weeks too.

He is staying at an extended stay hotel which we can't keep affording. I'm thinking of separating his disability check in a separate account of his own and leaving that to him. You pay your bills. I know he is being choosy because he wants a location where he can smoke weed.

I've been making a list of conditions to give him. Similar to what you've listed Melody. I was going to go over it with my therapist first Tuesday. I don't know if I'll ever be enthusiastic about any of it again though.

He thinks since it's not always this bad I'm giving him a bad wrap for this one incident. But with the smaller incidents and with what happened twelve years ago and now how can I ever trust again?

He knows he can say these things and that you will allow him back, because that has been your pattern. Give him your conditions and stick to the conditions you have set.

This will set an excellent example for your boys.

He will need to find one that does work. Look for a program that follows the guidelines given here. Tell him he will need to demonstrate anger control for at least a year before you will even consider taking him back.


That is perfect. Give him his disability check and let him figure it out.


You may decide to end the marriage and that is your right. If you need to speak to a professional, I would email Dr. Harley. [it is free] The advice we give you here comes from him. We are not just giving our personal opinions.


Its not bad for him because he is not the victim.

One thing I had to realize was how much I was enabling this behavior.

I would stop accepting it. Talk to your kids and apologize for not protecting them.
I mean your action conveys to the kids that his behavior is fine.

If he EVER yells or is angry or smokes dope- call the police & turn him in.

One lesson is protecting a person from the consequenses they should be facing doesnt help them or you.

I would give him your conditions for reconcilliation & file legal seperation or divorce to at least protect yourself. Then let him see if he steps up to the plate! I would not even speak to him until he is enrolled & going to intensive anger management, makes you promises of care etc.

One last thing- it really does not matter if he was a saint, great in all his ways, and the best on earth if he STILL has your children so scared they can not even come down stairs out of fear?

I mean, his abuse of your children is so so so bad that as a non emotional outsder - I am shocked!

Do your kids even Want you to consider staying with him? Honestly?

And something that forces an abuser to stop- agree with the.... "None of you want to be around me wha wha wha...." "Yes, you are totally correct, when you act like this we don't want to be around you."
Or something like that. Stop fighting him on the manipulation and agree. He will stop.

Thank you so much. You've both been very helpful. I know the pattern I've been in with enabling the behavior has affected me. I struggle with knowing my own worth and knowing my own decisions and standing up for them. Ironically I am seeing the therapist we both did but individually. We have developed a rapport although my husband did not. And she has seen him and his anger so I think that is helpful.

I wish I had gone to therapy years ago. It is so nice to have someone listen, not judge, and validate me. With his history (abusive childhood, sent to an alternative school in HS for behavior issues, tons of therapy) he had me thinking all counselors and therapists only made problems worse.

I may email Dr. Harley. Can you tell me how to do so? I don't see a link or I'm missing it. Thank you.

The youngest now 10 is enjoying his dad's company. They go to dinner at subway sometimes. The 12 year old doesn't want to see him but is mostly just indifferent. The 15 year old does NOT want to see his dad at all.

We do not have legal separation in my state. So my only options are separation as is or divorce.

You can email him here: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. But please read all of his work on anger management. Did you listen to his radio clips? Read his articles? My point is that he is a clinical psychologist and is very experienced with these situations. Not sure why you would need to cover off with a less experienced therapist.