I would sort them by married friends first (in case you get kicked out or flagged).

awesome!!

Done!

What type of reaction should I expect from OW? Is it likely that she will try to contact me? What do I do if she does? I suspect she will be mad as a hornet.

Kind of liberating in a way-still freaked out and nervous.

Bravo to you!!!

If that skank DARES to contacts you, just let her know there is more to come if she doesn't keep her skank hoe mitts away from your husband!!

[/quote]

Bravo to you!!!

If that skank DARES to contacts you, just let her know there is more to come if she doesn't keep her skank hoe mitts away from your husband!! [/quote]

I like it! Thanks again for everything!

I am sitting here getting ready for by WH return tomorrow. Today has been a very weepy day- I had been doing so well.

Anyway, my plan is to ask if he is having any type of contact with OW. If yes, that he needs to find someplace else to stay.

In prep, I have opened my own bank accounts and am poised to change everything over. Since I pay all the bills anyway, it is just paperwork. I just want to be sure I am not paying for his living expenses. He can figure that out, and he will.

I am fully expecting him to not stop seeing OW. I have not considered any other response.

Anything I am missing for this step?

I know I need to write the PBL but am hoping to get this over first in case any new information is revealed and to let me process a bit. Is there a time frame to deliver PBL?

Please send me strong thoughts, this is going to be terribly difficult.

Noone, you will do just fine. He does need to do more than just end his affair, he needs to PROVE all contact has ended, take steps to ensure they never cross paths and commit to going through this program of marital recovery. Ending his affair is only step #1. After that you will have a crippled marriage. And he will have another affair if that is not is changed. '

I would hand him the checklist and just say "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Set the bar very high, my friend, don't settle for crumbs. iF you settle for crumbs, that is what you will get.


Good girl!!


I would get separated first and then send him the PBL within a couple of weeks. That will give you time to find an intermediary.


I will send you strong thoughts. You are a strong lady and will be just fine. What will be terribly difficult is if you are stuck in a marriage with a husband who continually hurts you with mean, thoughtless, destructive behavior.

You have been a real trooper, my friend!! Be strong and hang in there!

Well, he got back last night. He was acting a bit different than when he left. For instance, he had new shower heads. I have been wanting to change ours for sometime, but had not mentioned it in awhile, never thought he would remember. He also looked me in the eye, reached out to touch me a few times, and actually listened when I was talking to him.

Anyway, I asked if he was still in contact with OW. WH said "she left, she is not here". So, I repeated my question and he said he was still in contact. I told him that will not work for me, all contact must stop.

Much to my surprise, he agreed. We talked for a while about all kinds of things. I gave him a general idea of what I expect -no contact, taking precautions to keep it that way and working a recovery program. It was late, we had been talking for awhile and crying always makes me tired, so we left it there.

We had a good talk, but no way near enough to judge if he means it or not.

We spent a good part of today together catching up on the company books since it had been a couple of weeks. He is now out checking on some jobs he got going this week. He has called to tell me where he is and what he is doing. No tracking yet to verify but, calling to tell me is more than he did before yesterday.

I will give more specifics tonight on how he needs to prove to me there is no contact, specific percautions, etc. Things like blocking her on his phone, giving me his phone code, time and money accountability...

I still think we can recover, if he is really willing, but I have doubts about that.

Does this sound like the right way to go? What am I missing?

First off, I would trade phones with him and/or have him change his # so she can't call him. that is a critical first step. Sure, he can block her, but she can be unblocked in 2 seconds flat. I would also place spyware with a GPS on his new phone. [he can't know about this]

And of course, you have to have open access to everything.

Just telling you where he is won't stop anything. He can tell you anything he wants. If you have a GPS on him, you can see if he is telling the truth.

I would make sure that ALL of your leisure time is spent together on dates.

He should send that hoe a no contact letter as per Dr Harley's instructions:

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I kicked him out tonight. About 10 minutes ago.

I just kenw he was lying to me. Yesterday, I found POSOW phone number and earlier tonight WH phone code. Was getting ready to install spyware but, he saved me the trouble.

Here is how it happened....
He went into the kitchen and fiddled with his phone. I strolled in and saw the texting was to POSOW. I asked if that was OW, he said yes. I said , so are still in contact with her? He said yes. I told him to find someplace else to stay that this was too painful for me. He took a few things and left. Never said a word or looked me in the eye.

Not sure we will be able to come back from this. But, this way has got to be easier on me and for now, I will try to be thankful for that. But, boy is this hard. Right now, I just want to get through the next hour.

One other thing, I spoke with FIL a couple days ago and he said he had spoken with BIL who said OW left our town. I suspect that is true, but does not really matter now.

hi noone, yes we know that this is hard, but it will be better for you in the long run.

Your FIL doesn't seem to get it that just because "OW left your town", that does not mean that the affair has ended.

I can't remember...were you able to expose to OWs siblings?

noone, I am so sorry. It is better to find out the truth sooner than later. I would pack up the rest of his stuff, put in your garage and change the locks. In a few days you can send him a Plan B letter.

And I would contact your FIL and let him know the affair is alive and well.

I am not completely sure. I exposed to all OW FB friends which might include OW siblings. So far, have not found any siblings in Mt searching. But, still looking and finding info so will see what I can find.

I will call FIL this afternoon when he is done with work. I think WH thought if he did not see her, I would be OK with it- he was/is wrong. He looked a bit shocked when I told to leave.

I agree, better to find out now.

Thanks for all the help and support!

Have you read up on Plan B?

You know that Plan B means NO CONTACT at all with WH. You need to make yourself unreachable to him completely. Block him from phone, text, email, change if you have to. Have an IM handle any business you might together. Have you found an IM?

Here, How to Plan B Correctly

I called FIL and advised of recent events. He said it seemed perfectly reasonable of me to kick him out. He is disappointed but says he sees it as WH's doing not mine.

I have read the Plan B materials- alot.

I have blocked his number from my cell. No home phone. I have the computer, not that he can do much with it anyway. Moved almost all money to my personal account and will change over the autopays so our joint account will go away. I will take my name off the biz account, it is his biz anyway.

The IM is my issue at the moment. Local BIL/SIL are BFF's of POSOW so that does not work. My mom will not be able to hold he tounge, nor will my dad. He has one good friend, but not the right person for this, not responsible. I am thinking about FIL and Mil but that seems wrong too. I could have one of my freinds do it but i suspect he would not be comfortable with that. We own a small business so for the short term, we will need to pass some info and mail. Any creative IM ideas?

There is also one complication. His specaity shop is on our property. It is a little ways from the house, but it is rented by the biz and is necessary for it to run. He has lots of tools and materials that will take some time for him to find a new spot for. In the meantime, he will need regular access. Not all day or every day, but access when he needs it. My idea was to limit his access to the hours I am work at my "day" job.. If he needs more access, let the IM know, and I will arrange to leave the house.

Then we will need to work out dog parenting.

I am working on my "love" letter and addendum.

I will pack his stuff from the house this weekend and put it all in the shop. I will also get an IM worked out and have them get the letters to WH - hopefully by Sunday.

I plan to continue moving forward on moving. Applied for a job many states over. Might be a month or so before I hear anything. But cleaning closets and otherwise prepping to sell house gives me something to do.

I am doing better today. While sad and weepy, not as stressed or worried as before. I think this will allow me to find a new normal to my life. Made plans with a girlfriend for saturday and next tuesday. Trying to just keep myself busy and with supportive friends. Wish my family were closer.

How should I expect this to go? Is there a "normal" way WH respond to this. He seemed shocked last night but was not mad.

I would use one of your friends. We know he won't be comfortable with an IM at all. He will likely initially REFUSE until he sees he won't get a message to you unless he uses her. do you have a friend who can show a neutral front?


I would ask him to find another place asap.


Oh c'mon. just decide who gets the dog and be done with it.


Do you have the Plan B letter from SAA?


Perfect!


Very good!!


You will feel so much better in 2-3 weeks that you will be surprised how bad you have felt for so long. As long as you stay in a pitch dark Plan B.


Usually the WS will get really mad when you go into Plan B. He probably thinks you will come running soon. He will not like losing control of you!

You are doing great! So proud of you for standing up for you!!!!

Your right, I will keep the dog. He left us for POSOW.

I will see if one of my friends will do it. Your right, he will think this is dumb and try not to do it. But, I WILL NOT communicate with him directly, only via IM.

I do have the SAA letter and found some looking through the notable posts thread.

I wilL not give in and go running back to WH. He might think I will, but he will be surprised.

Noone, please be strategic about your PlanB...



OK, you need the resources to maintain your (the marital) household, GOOD



You are still married, this business belongs to you BOTH, at least until such time as you actually divorce and it is allocated in a settlement. You want to keep all avenues open to yourself even if you don't use them.




Use YOUR friend. Who cares what your WH is comfortable with, the intermediary works for you, not him. In all likliehood no IM will be satisfactory for your WH because he cannot manipulate you if there is an IM. The IM needs to be someone that will keep your safety paramount, In-laws generally have a soft spot for their child/sibling and soon would start to campaign for you to lower your standards. Please use your friend whose loyalty is to you and your marriage.



Your idea sounds like a good one, except his access should be more scheduled with certain hours just totally off limits, like after 11 or before 8. He should also allow you ample lead time (1 hour?) so you do not need to drop what you are doing and constantly react to his schedule. This whole arrangement should have a finite end date, he needs to move that stuff our by 2 weeks? whatever is rational.



Expect hiim to fight it as it represents him losing a substantial amount of access and "control". Stay resolute!