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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
If we go on dates and that goes well, and the communication we have is going well while being separated, what happens when we are back together, and have to face the things that he would get upset about in the first place.


And lets say he did a great job for the next 12 months making changes and you start being together all the time again and he goes back to his old habits. There is nothing stopping you from ending the marriage at that point. It's not like you have to stay and endure it.

But if you are looking for some type of guarantee, that is completely unrealistic.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: JBKT16
You're right, it is not a problem right now, while we are not together. I was referring to when we are back together. If we go on dates and that goes well, and the communication we have is going well while being separated, what happens when we are back together, and have to face the things that he would get upset about in the first place.... Showing me he can do the right things on a date, doesn't really demonstrate that he could do the right things while living together again.


Your only contact with him won't just be on dates. Over a years period of time, you will be able to see him in different scenarios and see how he handles stress. You can also work with his anger management counselor and get his opinion on your husband's process.

You just need to go with the flow and be patient. This isn't going to happen overnight.


I understand what you are saying, and I understand that there is no guarantee. I just figured as many people have gone through similar things that maybe there were things to look for, things to expect, etc. I am hoping that I know the right time, and can trust my judgment on when is right to get back together.

Thanks again.

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
[
I understand what you are saying, and I understand that there is no guarantee. I just figured as many people have gone through similar things that maybe there were things to look for, things to expect, etc. I am hoping that I know the right time, and can trust my judgment on when is right to get back together.

Thanks again.


Just look for him to convince you over a long period of time. That is why Harley suggests being separated at least a year. That is long enough to change bad habits and long enough to demonstrate those changes.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: JBKT16

What do I do about the hurt and resentment I am still feeling? Does that just go away with time?


Here, Resentment Type A and Type B


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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: JBKT16

What do I do about the hurt and resentment I am still feeling? Does that just go away with time?


Here, Resentment Type A and Type B


Thank you

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Hi!
I think about you every day. How is it going?


BW-3 Kids
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Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Originally Posted By: Elaina7
Hi!
I think about you every day. How is it going?


Hi, thanks for asking! It is going pretty good. I just wrote a long response earlier and accidentally clicked off and erased it!!! The arrangement (as for him and I switching off at the house) is going really well.

He is working on everything, even helping more with the kids and house, things that I didn't necessarily ask for. He is also going to anger management and seems to be controlling himself much better.

Honestly I am having a hard time with allowing myself to accept the changes, I just feel so guarded still (understandably), and can't help but thinking the changes will go away, once he knows he has me back. I know he is really changing, because the things he is doing and saying are not things he has done in the past.

We did have an issue yesterday that I would like to get some feedback on.............

Yesterday was our day to exchange the kids. So before he was on his way over (for me to leave and head to my parents) he text me and asked if I had plans for the day. I was honest and said "yes, me and mom are probably going to go to the beach for a bit."

The beach is honestly my favorite place to go, it is so relaxing to me, and I know pretty soon we are going to be out of beach weather.

His attitude toward me instantly changed. He said that I was disrespecting him by going and flaunting around on the beach without him in a bathing suit. Now I know how this should have been handled if we were together having a happy healthy marriage....we would have been using joint agreement and I wouldn't have been able to go if he was not enthusiastic about it.

BUT we are separated because he wouldn't allow us to have a happy healthy marriage. So I don't feel like the same things apply to us right now. I honestly feel like I want to relax and enjoy being stress free, it is something I can't even remember feeling since getting married. And I was not "flaunting around" anyway. Would not do that. I had on a bathing suit top and shorts and we sat our chairs down in an area where nobody was, and visited for about 45 minutes, then headed home. It couldn't have been more innocent. But instead of being able to relax I continued to get text about "what was I wearing", that I should be being more considerate of our situation, etc.....

He has not been acting like this at all throughout the separation so far, and I know he is changing. The only reason I wanted to bring this up is because I was curious what the standards were during separation??? I guess I don't feel like "joint agreement" applies at this point. The only true "joint agreement" right now is that we will not flirt / cheat etc. Which I would never go back on. My "free time" has been spent with my mom, 100% of the time.

Thanks for any advice on how Dr Harley would recommend handling these types of situations during a separation.

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The policy of joint agreement does not apply when there is abuse and separation. His behavior just reminds you of why you wanted to separate in the first place. Not a good idea!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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It sounds like he is still using disrespectful and abusive tactics to control your behavior.

He could have just said, 'it bothers me when you go to the beach without me' or 'it bothers me when you wear a swim suit when other men are present.' That's it. He has made a complaint for you to choose to respond to or not.

To change his pleasant attitude towards you, and say you are 'flaunting around on the beach' is disrespectful and manipulative.

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Yes, this is the behavior that made me want out in the first place. But I do see the changes he is making. It has been a few weeks since we separated and this is really the first incident of this sort.

I was really just wondering if I did the wrong thing, by not "consulting in him". I just don't think that's the way it should work at the time. Yes, once we are back together and there is no more negative behavior....

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But instead of being able to relax I continued to get text about "what was I wearing", that I should be being more considerate of our situation, etc.....

Did you respond to his texts? You really shouldn't engage him in these conversations. No response would have been the best response.


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Originally Posted By: Prisca
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But instead of being able to relax I continued to get text about "what was I wearing", that I should be being more considerate of our situation, etc.....

Did you respond to his texts? You really shouldn't engage him in these conversations. No response would have been the best response.


Yes, I did. I guess I was hoping I could ease his mind, so he would know that there was nothing to worry about. But like usual, this didn't work. It just added to the stress I was feeling by having to go back and forth with him.

There are times, where I know that the conversation just needs to end (that it is not productive and is only hurting us), but I feel like I am being disrespectful as well by just not responding.

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It is vital that you stop having these fights with him. And yes, they are fights. Stop engaging.


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Quote:
but I feel like I am being disrespectful as well by just not responding.

Doing nothing is not disrespectful.


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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
but I feel like I am being disrespectful as well by just not responding.


Dr. Harley doesn't consider doing nothing to be a love buster. So not responding when your spouse wants you to respond is not being disrespectful. This was a hard one for me to grasp and is hard for a lot of people. But you don't have to do everything your spouse wants you to do. If your spouse wants you to do something and it's a bad idea (like continue a conversation that's going to go somewhere bad), don't do it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you.... It makes a lot of sense to not feel obligated to do things that you know are not helping your marriage.

Besides this one incident, he is doing great. I just wanted to know how to handle it if something similar happened again. Thanks again for the replies.

We went to lunch today, and everything was positive, no love busters or anything of that nature. I really am feeling hopeful about his progress, and I just pray we can eventually have the healthy marriage I have always wanted!

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
Thank you.... It makes a lot of sense to not feel obligated to do things that you know are not helping your marriage.

Besides this one incident, he is doing great. I just wanted to know how to handle it if something similar happened again. Thanks again for the replies.

We went to lunch today, and everything was positive, no love busters or anything of that nature. I really am feeling hopeful about his progress, and I just pray we can eventually have the healthy marriage I have always wanted!


How is it going? Have you guys signed up for the accountability program? Has he been listening to the MB radio? Read any of the books?

Just wanted to let you know that I am still here rooting for you!


BW-3 Kids
Sep:2014
Divorced

"I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.
I will persist until I succeed." Og Mandino
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Thank you.... We haven't paid to do the program. We are just using the books we have and listening to the show. I'm not sure if he is listening, but he is reading love busters right now, and going to someone for anger management, he also reads on the website. And I am re-reading love busters. Before I don't think he realized that some of the things he was doing were hurtful, but he seems to be understanding that a lot more now.

Everything has been going really well. He has been really changing and working very hard to be better. But the last day or so has not gone so well, not terrible, but not good.

I was ready for us to start going on some dates and occasionally doing things together. Saturday he came over for a couple hours and we did pumpkins with the kids and had good conversation while the kids slept. I thought it was great, and I think he did too.

We had already planned to have our first date Sunday night.... (before spending time together on Saturday). After saturday went so well, I felt very excited about the potential for the date night, especially since I was starting to trust that things were/are really changing. ( It has been a month since we separated.)

The day at the house went great like I said, and although we were both excited for the date, it just didn't go well. There were no "outburst" or anything like that. But we just were bickering, he said I was giving him mixed messages (for example, I tried to play around tap him on the butt to show him I was looking forward to the night and was trying to keep it lighthearted). He said he knows he would not have been able to do that sort of thing, because I asked him to please have boundaries on the date (since it was our first date since separating).

Am I wrong for thinking that his rules and mine aren't exactly the same at this point. Since he is the one that has broken my heart, I feel like he should be respecting the time it takes for me to get back to normal (well hopefully a new normal). I guess a good way to say it is "fair is not always equal".....

I know he will probably not come on and ask about anything, so can I ask something kind of from his side....

He is trying really hard ( I can tell he is), but he seems to be getting frustrated when he thinks that his "efforts are not working". They are working, but this is something he has said quite a few times. They are working in the sense that the resentment was already starting to go away, that I was willing to go on a date, and was actually looking forward to it. But I guess from his perspective they are not working because he doesn't come home to me at night, that I haven't started showing affection again (I am kind of guessing on these things, he hasn't actually said WHY he thinks his efforts aren't working, this is just my best guess). He has somewhat implied these things.

Any advice on how to handle the progress? How does he stay motivated to change, how do I show him things are working, and that I do want the best for us? I think part of why last night didn't go great is because of these issues. He was doing so well this whole month and seems frustrated that it is "not working". Any advice. Especially if there is anyone who has been on the other side of this.

I know I did a lot of love busters last night (I know this is unacceptable) and I am still learning to handle myself. The stress I feel when I start to see even a hint of what he used to be, puts me right back so defensive and so guarded....

Well, I know there is no excuse for my behavior. I guess I am asking what advice would you have for a guy who is in the process of trying, and is not seeing the results from his wife's side?

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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
But we just were bickering, he said I was giving him mixed messages (for example, I tried to play around tap him on the butt to show him I was looking forward to the night and was trying to keep it lighthearted). He said he knows he would not have been able to do that sort of thing, because I asked him to please have boundaries on the date (since it was our first date since separating).

Am I wrong for thinking that his rules and mine aren't exactly the same at this point.


Here is the rule: dont do anything that annoys or upsets the other person. It would upset you if he tapped you on the butt. Apparently, it upsets him too, so don't touch him anymore. I would keep your distance since it bothers him so much.

Quote:
He is trying really hard ( I can tell he is), but he seems to be getting frustrated when he thinks that his "efforts are not working". They are working, but this is something he has said quite a few times. They are working in the sense that the resentment was already starting to go away, that I was willing to go on a date, and was actually looking forward to it. But I guess from his perspective they are not working because he doesn't come home to me at night, that I haven't started showing affection again (I am kind of guessing on these things, he hasn't actually said WHY he thinks his efforts aren't working, this is just my best guess). He has somewhat implied these things.


It took several years to create the detachment and withdrawal in your marriage and it will take MONTHS to gain it back. Whining and demanding about getting a return on his investment just pushes you away more. So yes, he is right. All of his efforts are UNDONE by bickering and by complaining that there is one "rule" for him and another for you.

Did you find those conversations pleasant and appealing? Did they make you feel close to him? Or did the conversation REPEL you? Give him that kind of feedback.

Basically, one session of bickering and nitpicking NEGATES ALL OF HIS PROGRESS. He is working hard, but not SMART.

Quote:
Any advice on how to handle the progress? How does he stay motivated to change, how do I show him things are working, and that I do want the best for us? I think part of why last night didn't go great is because of these issues. He was doing so well this whole month and seems frustrated that it is "not working". Any advice. Especially if there is anyone who has been on the other side of this.


The advice is: STOP THROWING AWAY ALL YOUR PROGRESS BY COMMITTING LOVEBUSTERS.

Quote:
I know I did a lot of love busters last night (I know this is unacceptable) and I am still learning to handle myself. The stress I feel when I start to see even a hint of what he used to be, puts me right back so defensive and so guarded....


I would strongly suggest you back off from the dates for a while. Its obvious he has not changed. He is STILL reverting back to his lovebusting, demanding abusive self.

How is his anger management going? Doesn't seem to be working at all.

Quote:
I guess I am asking what advice would you have for a guy who is in the process of trying, and is not seeing the results from his wife's side?


Trying doesn't cut it. If he wants to attract his wife back, he needs to eliminate the lovebusters and demonstrate a radical change over a long period of time. Making demands on you demonstrates no change.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: JBKT16
The stress I feel when I start to see even a hint of what he used to be, puts me right back so defensive and so guarded....



Tell him this. You can also print up my post and show him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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