As a man, I find it very difficult to have an intimate conversation with my wife. I'm defining intimate as in talking with my spouse about something that is extremely difficult and uncomfortable to talk about. I've made some really dumb mistakes over the past 5 years and all that my wife has asked me to do is to talk to her about those things. When I go to attempt to bring up a topic I get extremely anxious and just know that its not going to turn out well. That said, when I do talk to my wife consistently about difficult things, she is more than understanding and does not lash out or have any angry outbursts. We tend to go through a consistent cycle where she has a blow up and then I work at being better at communicating intimately with her. I struggle with this day after day until she gets frustrated and has another angry outburst. Then we start all over again and go through the same cycle. We are not growing together and moving forward, we are just stuck in the same cycle over and over again. I blame myself for this but don't really know what to do. Why does my wife have to have me talk to her about these uncomfortable things. I'd rather just avoid them altogether because I am uncomfortable when we talk about these things. What is it about my wife that requires her to talk through these things constantly before she can heal from the hurt that I've caused?

I'm just looking for someone who has had a similar situation and has learned to be close and to build an intimate relationship where you can talk about anything, anytime without fear.

No infidelity...empty nesters now...looking forward to our later years in life but not like this...

Is she still having AOs at all?

If an event is past and dealt with (not a recurring problem), MB encourages us to never bring it up again, otherwise the hurt never heals.

What are the issues? Are you getting at least 15 hours of UA time? IC is NOT discussion of relationship problems; it is learning the perspectives of your spouse.

One person who struggled with openness and honesty said the instant they felt the need to hide something from their spouse, they would call and tell their spouse. This kept the anxiety from building to the point that honesty was frightening. Have you done this? You say you are afraid of your wife's response to honesty even though you have never been put wished for it.

Are you still having angry outbursts too?

Post your date schedule. Have you tried bumper cars or a roller coaster lately? Hard to have an angry convo during those.

Yes, my wife will have angry outbursts but only with time as she starts to feel frustrated with me and it build and builds until it comes out.

Yes, I know about the MB approach to not bringing up things of the past. Unfortunately, my wife does not see it that way and wants me to talk about these things. Most things are related to independent behavior over our 30+ years of marriage.

apples, that is a very good idea. I do have moments when I feel like "...how am I ever going to tell my wife this" and then I don't. That is a very good idea.

I understand that IC is not bashing out problems but how do you get around to that point when you're constantly in the midst of battle?

How do you approach things over and over in the correct way until it finally takes hold? How do you get your spouse to come around to dealing with things in the MB fashion. It seems to me that you just have to put up with the difficulty until the lightbulb finally turns on. That is very very difficult!

When we talk, I always question my wife about how what I do or don't do makes her feel. She always comes back at me with the statement "...its not all about you". If we're talking about things that I have done to hurt her and how I should change, how can she say that? I don't understand what she means by that statement. Its like she's speaking a foreign language to me and I'm just not understanding what she's saying.

I'm hoping that some women in the forum will offer some insight/advice into developing an intimate emotional relationship with your wife. What its like for you when intimacy has been reached, how did you get there, what did your husband do so that you could get there, is it a quick thing or does it take a really long time, what is your responsibility to foster this sort of relationship...those kinds of things...hoping that a number of you will reply...

dividejim, the problem is not intimate conversation, but her insistence about rehashing past mistakes. Have you addressed and RESOLVED all of her complaints? Can you give an example of the things she likes to rehash? What is the reason she keeps bringing this up? Have you eliminated independent behavior?

It sounds to me like your wife keeps bringing up hurts of the past because she is not happy in the present. She is in a negative feedback loop and is approaching this the wrong way.

What would make her happy is to create a great marriage in the present because her mind would no longer go to the past. But she can't have a happy marriage if she constantly rehashes past mistakes.

My husband and I had this same problem for several years after his affair. It was an ugly cycle and we broke the cycle by going through the Marriage Builders program. Have you considered doing that? You have been here for a few years with the same problme. Might be time to try another approach.

In what way have you been independent? Have you stopped? Is she addressing her anger problem?

Never mind, I see that all this has been suggested to you before going back years.


This is why you can't be open with her. No one can or should be "open and honest" with someone who has anger problems. You never know when she will erupt. I would not put up with her outbursts anymore. Let her know you are not staying in the room when she blows up and leave.

Stop rehashing the past, but make sure you are not doing the same things today. Rehashing past mistakes only brings the tragedies of the past into the present. When she relives her past disappointments, it leads to angry outbursts, which are damaging your marriage.

I went back and read your past threads, and this one had some great advice: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=170216&Number=2787062#Post2787062

I would re-read the thread and send Dr Harley an email at his radio show and ask for his help. If you include your phone #, he or Joyce might call you. He can help you persuade your wife to get on board.

Hi MelodyLane, I'm really not sure that my wife necessarily wants to keep rehashing the past. She insists that we need to talk about what has happened, not to rehash things but to resolve them with each other. So, when I start to talk about things, I typically will admit the wrongs that I've done and the focus seems to be on me and what I did and that I'm not doing the same things anymore and how do we prevent this from happening again.

Then my wife will say "...its not all about you". When I ask her what she means by that, she won't answer me because she's angry. If I ask her how she feels about things that I've done, she tells me that I'm suppose to be the one to do the talking, not her. I'm in this repentance loop and can't seem to get beyond the hurt.

I have corrected many if not most of my love busters. I share with her what is going on in my life. I am working on not hiding things from her. I believe that I have grown a lot in these areas. I am putting behind me my independent behavior. We do spend a lot of time together each week but it does seem to be in spurts. One week we will be together a lot and actually enjoying each others company and then the next I will be involved in a home project (something that we both have agreed to do) and I'll get focused on that and not spend much time with her.

Anyway, I feel like I have made strides though the main stride that my wife has asked me to do is to talk to her. I do talk to her but not about important things. I tell her what is going on in my life all of the time but she considers these facts and not what I would call intimate conversation.

I'm not sure what to do to make it "about her"...DJ

What you describe is "rehashing." All you need to do is agree not to do it again and then don't do it again. Don't discuss it again.


These are the types of conversations you need to avoid at all cost. It is just bringing the unhappiness of the past into the present. Dont' do this anymore. And when she gets angry, tell her you aren't going to speak to her until she calms down and leave the room. Part of the problem is that you stay there and engage.


What have you not corrected?


Since openness and honesty is so important to her, i would tell her under what conditions you would feel SAFE in being open and honest. Her angry outbursts make it impossible for you to feel safe telling her everything. If she wants open and honesty, she has to create an environment where that is possible.


Thats great!


One way to do this is to sit down together on Sunday afternoons and schedule out your dates for the week. It is real easy to put this off when the time is not scheduled. Here is the worksheet we use: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4508_tuaw.html


Did you read the chapter on Conversation: here is an excerpt from the article:

here

Jim, did you see my note about emailing Dr Harley? His advice is free and he will send you a free book.

Donald Trump alone could give you a few days of interesting conversation not about your r relationship. IC is about learning how your spouse sees the world.

Are you no longer separated? Are you still educating her about MB(not a good idea)?

You may need to separate if AOs continue.

Okay, so nobody has said anything about what a woman considers as "intimate" conversation. I'd like to understand what you are looking for. I feel like all I do with my wife is spout off facts; the balance in the checkbook is..., we won this job at work today..., I ran the errand that you asked me to..., etc. Obviously none of this is "intimate" though important. I'm really missing the boat and looking for inputs from women on this...

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We are the wrong people to ask. We are not your wife. ASK HER.