The worse affair-recovery advice my wife and I got came from well-meaning but totally ignorant clergy. Most pastors do not know how to recover from affairs.

Thank you all for you replies. I know you are right. While I have not initiated any contact, just taking his words to heart have been a big part of my current state. I need to just b go back to looking forward- I can not make WH want to recover. I have to focus on making me well and whole.

I am sure I will continue to needs reminders of this, it is still very hard. I spoke to another cousin tonight, which really helped. Mom too!

Thank you again. I know I will feel better sticking with MB advice. It has been the only thing to really help during all this.

To stronger days.....

A lighting bolt out of the blue last night! Got a text from IM (she is out of the country on vacation at the moment). Seems WH contacted her saying A is over, he wants to work on marriage, he still loves me very much and misses me in his life.

She say she did her best to try to figure out if he means it or is just trying to get contact or is just being a jerk to me (her words). She said she believes him and that is why she passed it on to me. WH wants to go on a date Friday- go see a movie.

What do I do? I was really thinking it was over and he had moved on.

On a related note, the interview went really well today. I should know something by mid- november. The potential date does not change any of my plans.

Thanks for any advice!

I will leave the advice to the experts here, but so happy for you. I would love to be in your position and sincerely hope it all works out for you. Best wishes.

That's a nice statement to make but not quite up to par. He'll need to agree to do much more than "work on the marriage". That's vague and kinda meaningless in and of itself.

You need to present him with the checklist of items from SAA. After that he will need to agree to the MB program of recovery to rebuild the romantic portion of your marriage.

If he balks on any of that, he isn't serious. In that case, return to your dark Plan B.

Settling for anything less would be a big mistake on your part.

This. What you wrote to him in your PBL. Stick to your guns on that. Warning! You will be very tempted to compromise if he suggests modifying your conditions in some way. Don't start out right off the bat by lowering the bar!

This is perfect advice. I hope he didn't tell your IM something like "how can find out if we want to work on the marriage if we aren't talking" or some such crap, which is not a committment at all.[that is typically the first offer from a WS and all it means is that your Plan B is working and they just want to have open contact without meeting your conditions]

DO NOT GO OUT ON A DATE WITH HIM. You can meet with him and show him the checklist. He would need to agree to change all of his contact information and PROVE that he is never in contact with OW again. If he says something lame like "you just have to trust me," tell him that won't cut it. You can only trust what you can see iwth your own eyes.

Let him SELL YOU and only accept a great offer that meets all your conditions.

Do NOT tell him about Marriage Builders yet. Give him the checklist without the introduction (via your intermediary). Only if he agrees to ALL THE TERMS IN THE CHECKLIST, should you agree to meet him. If he tries to negotiate, reiterate your plan B letter and go dark again.

YEs!! Do not lower your standards while you have all the leverage or you will lose your leverage.

AND DO NOT be discouraged if this is a false alarm, because it only means this is his first offer.

You should add moving to the checklist too.

Remember he needs to WIN you back by being an AWESOME husband. Don't settle for mediocrity.

Thank you, just what I needed to hear.

The text from my IM was short but I reflected the wording in her message. Not sure how he said any of it- she is following the rule about rewriting his messages. I had warned her about some of the BS he might try and she read the thread here so I think she would weed that out, but that might be wrong.

I wrote the checklist to give to WH. My IM is gone for 3 more weeks. I want to meet him on Friday to give him the list and see for myself how he reacts. Not a date, a meeting. But, since that is what I want to do, I suspect that is not right.

I will not lower the bar. I have come too far to slide back now. I will not negotiate my checlklist. I included moving.

That is exactly the right thing to do. Meet with him and gauge his sincerity. Ask what he will do to ensure the OW never enters your lives again. Don't make any commitments. Just tell him you want to take it slow and will think on it and get back to him.

Grrrrrr-WH just texted and said "I am sorry I can't do it"(meet that is). Then why the h*** did he ask???

The rollercoaster is horrible.

Guess I now know he is not serious. Here's hoping I get that job I I interviewed for. I think moving will be helpful.

Trying not to cry or get down about it. Must move forward but it is very hard tonight. Guess I was more excited and hopeful than I knew. That needs to stop.

I am very sorry, noone.

Please focus on staying as dark as possible until you can get moved away. Then the bar will be raised for him to get back in. The next time, he will have to jump through hoops to make this happen.

If he makes another move towards reconciliation, maybe I can help your IM in determining if he is sincere? It sounds like she did everything possible and could not have foreseen this outcome, but together we could devise some questions to really test him.

Honestly, i would not consider meeting with him until after the move. Then he would have to travel, book a hotel, etc. Then your IM could require proof of travel arrangements prior to you agreeing to meet.

I was thinking the same thing as apples. The IM could just say that you would be willing to meet if he traveled to your new location. He wouldn't even need to show proof of travel, he would just have to show up.

I'd want him to put money and effort into planning the trip to prove sincerity.

WH has told me that A is over and have heard the same from his friends. He has not asked to move back in (not that I am ready for that either) and still out of the house. I have not made any attempt to verify status of A.

He knows my requirements for recovery (EPs,etc)and does not have issues with them. But, he does not seem ready to start, and I think is still wondering if our marriage is worth another shot. I have not pushed.

I have been trying to get out more but that has resulted in running into him when out with friends. I have chosen not to run and hide but stay with my firends. He used to leave when he saw me, but the last couple of week or so that has changed and he tries to engage. Lots of sweeties, hons, mammas ( an early term of affection from at favorite band) and what friends think is an attempt to get reconnect. From what I know WH told some of his close friends he loves me and misses me.

I have not engaged him but feel a thaw toward me. He stacks firewood on my deck when I am not home so I do not have to walk all the way to the wood shed. He has also been asking IM if there is anything else he can do for me. He is being a better husband now than the last year or so.

He leaves Sat for 4 to 6 weeks of fishing, camping, visiting his parents/family 3000+ miles from here. Frankly, I expect he is also seeing POSOW while he is in her next of the woods. But, that is not something he said, just my expectaion. Not sure I even want to know.

He is interested in coming over tonight to show me how to switch over to generator power for a power outage- which would be helpful. We also need to talk about getting the house on the market quickly in case I get that job. We have some business stuff that needs addressing as well.

I guess I am wondering if I should be more open to his reaching out. I could also just be setting myself up. Hard to trust my own judgment.

Do I see him or send it back to IM (out of the country)? Any advice for dealing with this?

I would stop this contact immediately.m It will make you sick and it also makes you unattractive to be so available. What happened to cause you to break Plan B? You were doing so good!

Shut this down. Have him contact the IM if he has any pertinent information.