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Joined: Mar 2012
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I am very much in love with my wife. We just don't seem to click though. I know that we are not getting enough UA time. My wife's biggest need is intimate conversation. This is a very frustrating topic for me as when I try to have a meaningful conversation it doesn't go any where. We recently took a road trip that was about 13 hours each way I figured it would be a great time for us to talk and connect. (no kids no nothing) It was a boring car ride. I would try to talk to her and I would get nothing. When I brought up that it was a good time for us to talk she said that she doesn't have anything to talk about. I get this comment often. Sooo frustrating!!!!

She doesn't do a good job of meeting my needs and I know that this is a big part of why. This compounds my frustration so much.I don't think she is happy and I really wonder if she is still in love with me. I feel like she doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm so confused.

Please help how do I connect with my wife?

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If you are in love with your wife, she must be meeting some of your needs.

Found original threads (didn't read everything yet) and came across this advice posted to you:
Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
And another thing;

The most important things for you to be doing, IMVHO they are in an order that is important to follow.

1) No Contact with OW

2) Extraordinary Precautions - Read the thread linked a few days ago on EP's & write out a comprehensive list and post it ASAP

3) STUDY the books, "His Needs, Her Needs" & "Love Busters"

4) Identify Your wife's top 5 needs - in order of importance.

5) Identify 10 ways your wife likes each need met and start doing some of those things daily. Ask your wife for feedback once a week in regards to how you are doing with meeting those needs.


6) Schedule UA time every week. Between 20-30 hours alone with your wife EVERY WEEK.

7) Learn the top 5 ways your wife prefers to be soothed during triggers. This is not the same as meeting her EN's - This is part of helping to heal the wounds of your infidelity.

8) Learn how to share the details of your day - Who you talked to, what was discussed, what you did... DETAILS!


This is important!

These are the basic steps necessary for your marriage to recover.

Being interactive on a forum requires participation from you on a regular basis, OK.

What steps do you need help with??

Practice makes perfect. If you had learned how to talk to your wife back then, by now you woule be skilled in intimate conversation.

In your thread you mentioned "will" and "try", but it seems your problem is with "do". For now I've only read until july 2012, sorry for my conclusion if you changed your actions after that.

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Originally Posted by no_where_to_go
I This is a very frustrating topic for me as when I try to have a meaningful conversation it doesn't go any where. We recently took a road trip that was about 13 hours each way I figured it would be a great time for us to talk and connect.

Please help how do I connect with my wife?

Follow the advice you were given. Spend 20-25 hours of UA time with her every week. It is ludicrous to expect that she would "connect" wtih you on one 13 hour car trip when she is completely checked out. If you want her to be in love with you, then you have to spend UA time with her every week meeting her needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sit down every Sunday afternoon and plan out your dates for the upcoming week using this worksheet: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Have you followed the lessons in it? Where are you in your recovery? If you don't work hard to change your marriage, you will just have a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. Recovery does not happen by magic fairy dust.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by no_where_to_go
I know that we are not getting enough UA time.

Then there should be no question in your mind that your marriage is going to fail.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by no_where_to_go
I really wonder if she is still in love with me.

She is not. What are you going to do about it?

As Steve Harley says
Originally Posted by Steve Harley
When I'm coaching my clients, I help them understand that there is a more effective way to find out if your spouse is in-love with you. Ask yourself "Should _____ be in love with me?" In other words, are you giving your spouse a reason to be in-love with you?

Should your wife be in love with you, kiss? Are you giving her a reason to be in love with you?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by no_where_to_go
Please help how do I connect with my wife?

Follow the advice you were given.

FOLLOW THE ADVICE YOU WERE GIVEN.

If you don't know what that advice was, go back and find it.

I spent every day day in and day out for years listening to Dr. Harley to learn how to connect with my wife.

Last edited by markos; 11/04/15 11:38 AM.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"Our program for recovery only works when it's followed. The 15 hours of undivided attention we recommend is an essential part of the program because it provides the opportunity to meet emotional needs that cannot be met any other way. There are lots of excuses for failing to follow that aspect of our program, but in the end, failure to follow it results in a failed recovery.

If we saw that both of you were recovering well, I'd say that you are one of the very rare exceptions to the need to spend 15 hours a week together. But, since you are not recovering well, we can only conclude that your failure to spend enough time together, and make good use of that time meeting each other's emotional needs, is the culprit."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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His thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...wflat&Main=166141&Number=2610434
Her thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2849447

Summary:
Affair, false recovery, reluctant trickle truth, no real effort to achieve a better marriage then before A. No just compensation, little remorse. Never really recovered from A, IB, no POJA, no PORH. Doesn't understand EP. Feeling sorry for himself when wife did plan B. Said he wanted to save marriage dozens of times, but no real effort and no real actions.

Could have had a fabulous marriage by now if he followed the program, but he never really implemented MB. Just met enough needs to be liked, not enough to reach the threshold of romantic love.


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