You hit the nail on the head. She doesn't want you meeting her important emotional needs.

But I agree with Mel. You need to focus on protecting your kids at this point.

I have heard Dr. Harley comment that in any marriage, typically one parent is a little more focused on the goal of making sure the children feel loved, while the other parent is a little more focused on the goal of making sure the children learn discipline. Both goals are important! But he says that when there is a single parent typically only one of these goals can be accomplished, and he recommends that the parent pick the goal of making sure that the children feel loved. I would imagine that that advice holds true for situations of marital breakdown due to infidelity or otherwise, as well.

If it were me I would focus on the goal of building a relationship with my children. For married couples Dr. Harley recommends spending fifteen hours a week meeting the emotional need of family commitment, spending the time together as a family doing something worthwhile, passing on your values and teaching your children. I would suggest you spend fifteen hours a week or so with your kids just trying to have a good time with them doing something they (and you) enjoy. Use this time to solidify your relationship with them and to communicate your love to them and the fact that you are available to support them in what they are going through. Invite your wife along, also, each and every time, because any time she shows up, even if she sulks and acts foggy the entire time, you will be making family commitment love bank deposits, and for most women family commitment is a powerful emotional need. (I used family commitment to make love bank deposits when my wife hated me and wouldn't let me make them any other way. I was so crafty!) You can also talk to your kids about how you feel people should act and your values as well (such as your belief that people ought not to hurt each other, for example), but the older your kids get and the less support you have from your wife, the less ability you will have to make them comply, so to some extent all you can do is build a relationship with them, expose them to your value system, be their rock, and hope they make the right choices.

I'm glad to see you'll be talking to Dr. Harley this week, and I know you'll get some great insight and information and advice from him!

As a father and husband who needed to win my wife back and learn to overcome angry outbursts at all costs while fathering SIX children (at the time...), I often repeated to myself "If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs..." before choosing to do nothing, let things lie, and simply remain calm and make small but effective improvements to the situation. There were a lot of people losing their head around me and I was nearly powerless to do anything about it. But staying calm and improving my marriage was the key to becoming capable of doing something about the problem.

I am going to way in here, my WW always wanted me discipline the kids, but always push me aside when the time came. She been the more on being the discipline mother and I am the loving father.
Throw the affair I have learned the more time I spent with the kids the more thy wanted to be with me. And less thy want to with there mom that does not give them the undivided tension like I do.I have also found thy listen to me better and more helpful.

My WW has always been B/W on discipline were I am more what fits.

Maybe it's my background having a abusive father and always wishing I had a father I could come and talk too.
That's my approach right OR wrong, I am not 100% sure.

I think you should always discipline in love, if you spank the kid put them in your lap and tell them it's the action you don't approve of not them.

I still remember my daughter the first time I spanked her, I felt she was testing me at the time. I counted to 3 and them spanked her not hard but enough it scared her. After a few moments she crawled up in to my lap and I held her. To this day she is now 3 counting to 3 gets her to stop what she is doing. And if she gets spanked she always comes up to and wants to be held.

I like these suggestions... btw, I have read three books on child discipline, child physiology, and child emotion coaching. I don't spank or even yell. I will simply put my kids in time out, take away their toys or other privileges. Other than just discipline, I encourage them to tell me why they are upset and what is causing them to act out. I don't punish them or try to straighten them out for sharing their feelings... I just listen and empathize.

I like the idea of just letting my WW handle the discipline... and I like it for a few reasons..

#1 she can scream her head off and be the crazy one... the kids will look to me as the stable & reasonable one... it will help our relationship.

#2 I won't lose as many love units for disciplining the children when the WW doesn't want me to.

#3 I won't face the constant criticism from her...

It's hard because I know her techniques are wrong and don't work... but I'll still be there for my kids. When they struggle in life, I'll be there to help them through.

When the affair ends, if the two of you decide to try to reconcile, you'll need to learn to negotiate a solution together that both of you feel enthusiastic about, without expressing disrespect about each other's positions and preferences.

I can truthfully say that's one of the most important things I've ever done in my life!

I fully agree to a POJA and I am not disrespectful about her position.. I will say right now "the children's behavior bothers me" and "what ideas do you have?"... she simply says that it is not a problem for her so she is not willing to negotiate nor have the discussion.

I think that this is affair FOG or she simply doesn't care about my feelings because she simply hates me right now and is in a really selfish mode where she doesn't care that much for the children's future well being either.

I think that she basically has a "freeloader" mindset right now at best... we are reconciling only because there isn't a better option right now but she is not willing to put any effort into anything such as negotiating, undivided attention, extraordinary precautions,, etc..

Like you said before.. there are very "small things", I can negotiate with her on and I take those as they come.. very small "wins". I just hope we can build on that.

If somehow, I could make this woman be in love with me, she would be motivated and that would be the best thing for the kids. I'm a really good guy, I'm good looking, make a good living, I'm a good dad, I am flexible and willing to meet any needs that she has... I don't yell or lose my temper, I help out around the house... I don't know why this is so hard for her and how she can hate me soo much.

I think that she began to resent how much she depended on me and how controlling and confining it felt for her when I put my foot down and said that she could not have a boyfriend... so she began to hate me for that.. like a light switch went off. She exercises lots of control over the children and uses that to hurt me.

The big problem most people have with disrespect is they are disrespectful without realizing it. Learning to recognize disrespect was very difficult for me.

When you say "her techniques and don't work," you are expressing disrespect. In recovery you'll need to learn to filter out such statements. Instead you can talk to her about what her and your goals are and discuss what can accomplish those goals.

Try to invite her to do things with you and the kids, and try to also invite her to do things alone with you. These are crucial for Plan A.

Sometimes thats harder than it sounds, my WW wants nothing do do with me or be in the same house. Since she drop the OM she's out to find a replacement.
I keep asking to do things alone and wuth the kids. all she says I'll think about it. I think it's to get me to stop talking to her.

We have done things together with the kids and we typically have a good time. She refuses to go out with me alone... and it really feels like it's her way of punishing me for not allowing her to have a boyfriend and exposure.

Quite honestly, after everything she has done, the sight of her makes me sick, but intellectually I know that spending time together and meeting each others needs is the way to rebuild our love banks... and I am willing to do it for the kids... if I can do it, why is it so hard for her???

Don't let it stop you. Just keep inviting her, and keep making friendly conversation.

It's the fog. Just keep inviting her.

When you make conversation with her, you are making love bank deposits.

When you spend time with her and the kids, it makes love bank deposits.

When you invite her to spend time with you it makes a love bank deposit. It bugs her though because thanks to the affair and the contrast effect and the fog your love bank account balance is still negative, so she gets annoyed that you are not giving her a reason to feel negative about you.

But slowly, over time, all of these deposits add up. Keep making them. If they become hard to make, see your doctor and ask him to put you on short term antidepressants.

I think this really makes sense... she does look for reasons all the time to make me the bad guy... one thing that's odd is that she keep peeping on my cell phone when I am using it as if to see if I am texting another woman, but it's always innocent. Every time the kids fuss, she says "what is wrong, did Dada hurt you?" they always say "no, it was something else." It is so obvious that she is looking really hard to find fault in me. I also think that is a reason why she is so "over the top" angry over the exposure.. in her mind, I really feel that she felt justified... "how dare this guy expose me... he is the bad guy, not me!!!!" I am demonized sooo much... there is a grain of truth to some of it, of course (we can all improve on something), but, for the most part she makes a sport of putting me in a "no win" situation...

Perhaps, if she were to go out with me.. it's admitting to herself that I'm not such a monster after all and she could have made a mistake by having an affair... but she just can't handle admitting that. It would also mean that she needs to end contact forever with the OM and she is afraid to do that as well.

I can keep analyzing this forever.. but, let me keep making deposits and see what happens.

Oh I plan too, even if the divorce goes through

Two things that are bothering me:

#1 Last night, I just played with the kids. I announced to WW that "mom" is in "charge" of telling kids when it is time to go to bed and enforce that... I am just there to spend time with them. It worked out really well and it set the stage for the kids to bond with me. My WW said "repeat that".. ."mom is in charge".. "great".. "that's what I want to her"... She wants CONTROL... she gives me positive reinforcement when I give her control. Why is she so hung up on this power trip and needing to be so controlling???

#2 This morning, my son was struggling with his asthma, my WW ignored it. I brought him his inhalers ad he refused to take them. She said that he didn't need them, he is not coughing.. are you from another planet? how can you not hear him coughing & struggling right next to you? He coughs again.. she says "ohh" I try to make him take his inhalers... he fusses and pushes me away. She leaves, so I again try to force him to take his inhalers and he fusses. She escorts me to the door and pushes me out and says have a nice day..

I can give up on disciplining the kids.. but how do I ignore them when they are struggling from a medical standpoint? I can't I trust her to take care of them when she has proven that she cannot take care of them. I am worried about my kids and I want to make them healthy & happy... not just be their friend.

How old is your son?

7....
Before my WW came home, he would take his medication by himself... he is too old for this kind of fight but both of my kids regressed significantly since she has come home.

I have trouble understanding why anyone struggling with asthma would refuse to take an inhaler. I'm asthmatic and so are all of our kids.

Can you take him to a doctor and see if the doctor has any suggestions?

I took him to the Doctor and the doctor gave him a preventative inhaler and a rescue inhaler.

Mom was in charge up bed time last night... so he of course stayed up too late and is extra irritable in the morning and not acting rational. Why does he like to cough and be short on breath and do nothing that will help it? Typically, I would have him in bed on time, and his inhalers were just part of the morning routine. With Mom around, the kids really have no structure and they are really just difficult to deal with. My kids struggle with the concept of delaying pleasure to do things that they need to do when mom is around. It drives me nuts to see them raised like this and I cannot help them... I want them to grow up to be strong, healthy, and productive adults... not to just satisfy my emotional whims and be my friend. I am so frustrated!!!