I don't think you are listening to me at all.

I am not talking about what you did in the past.

I am talking about the fact that, at present, you don't know Marriage Builders and so you have no chance of using it.

I'll repeat what I said again...


If you want to try to persuade me about what you should have known or shouldn't have known four months ago, please save your breath, because I don't care.

Would you like some help to solve your problems today? For starters you could start listening to me because I am offering you some valuable suggestions.

Also I do listen to the marriage builders radio show on my way to work. Just started this week.
Bought the marriage builders program for home study as well.
I spend about 4-hrs a day 5 days a week involved in affair literature.
To be honest it has become too much of my life. It has began to make me very unhappy. I could be spending that time finding my happiness.

That's your call to make. You are certainly entitled to end your marriage over infidelity. If so, I would suggest for your own happiness and emotional health you separate from her and simply never see or talk to her again so you aren't constantly triggered to remember the trauma.

Three's probably an acceptable limit of time for all of this.
How much time did you spend each day dedicated to the affair that you faced?

GREAT job on making the OM her Knight in Shining Armor!

Still doesn't sound like you are listening, much.

This feels like it is going nowhere.

I simply stated I am getting burned out on concentrating on the affair. That does not mean that I need to give up on my marriage.
I am not here to argue, I am here for advice.

What does Dr. Harley say about venting and getting it all out?

I'm sure it is horrible to get it all out and love bust.
Thats why I posted that. to see exactly where I screwed up
Im sure there are a lot of arguments that go on in marriages that will never be posted here.
I'm not trying to paint a picture that is not accurate or true. That will not help me.

To be honest i feel like I have done a good job with some slip ups. I've turned down numerous women and have been celibate which is really hard to do for half a year by the way . I've been studying and trying to learn. I even held my tongue for 3 months while my wife cheated on me.
But I also know that I need to do a whole lot better. Doing a good job will not be enough. I need to do my very best that I can and I need help

No, you haven't done a good job with a few "slip ups." Far from it.

What does Dr. Harley say about venting? You still seem to feel very justified getting things off your chest.

You say you need help, but you don't seem to be listening and learning.

Ok. I can accept that.
No more slip ups. I realize that everything is very fragile.
In my long text message rant to her I caught myself from time to time.
I feel like I did a lot of harm with it but I do not know. Not that the affair isn't worse. I realize that I need to focus on what I say and do and not the affair.
I caught myself a few times and tried to turn it around. it just all came out at once.
Maybe it is better that it came out in text rather than in person when we see each other, but I dont know.
I realize that I make the OM look good when I love bust so I need to find a method to not do it when I see her.
I was really good about it when she was home before she left. before I knew she was still having the affair. I really went the distance then. I felt it did nothing for her but to push her away and she lost attraction to me even more because I was trying so hard.
I feel like I will need to be in a strong mental state when she arrives. I'm not sure just how I will prepare for that. I fantasize that I will have to be so medicated that I drool. Then I shouldn't have any problems dealing with it all..
But seriously, is there something or a method that you all have used in these circumstances that has helped.
I feel like I need to step back from concentrating on the affair, that I am spending too much time with it.
I don't want it to be my obsession anymore. Maybe then I can relieve some of the anxiety about it all.
All my peers say the same thing, that i need to give up on her. That my letter to her was justified and it needed to be said long time ago. That I'm finally standing up to it.
This so far is my only place where I get any advice that is different than that.

What does Dr. Harley say about venting?

don't do it.
I have answered that a few times now.
I really regret saying anything to her. Before this text rant I felt like things were turning around in my favor.

This is why Melody Lane advised that you go to an immediate plan B when you got here. Because she knew that you weren't going to be able to do plan A with your ragged mental/emotional state. That rant reads like a good bye to her. Thats probably how she took it and don't be surprised if SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU when she comes to town. You DID lambast and shame her via text !?! And I have no doubt that you will do it again in person if she shows up (she knows this too). Next time (probably won't be one...) write a letter to her and then take it outside and burn it. Get everything off your chest without actually sharing these thoughts with her. Not sure how you're going to recover from this blunder and it's sad because there are people here trying to help guide you but you continue to go off the rails whenever you feel like it.

I have done the letter option you mentioned many many times. Where I say everything and then don't send it.
It helped quite a bit.
No reversing time on what I did, or what she did.
I did write her an email the next day apologizing for a couple things I said about her dad being disappointed. Etc. so I did catch myself after the fact.

I still must move forward.
We have not communicated since the letter. Which is typical for us for 4-7 days now.

I realize the shaming is probably the most hurtful part. The worst part was that I told her parents not out of shaming but because I knew they needed to know.
She was isolating from them since the affair.
Now I made it out like I wanted to shame her.

I've got the love busters CDs in my truck now so I will be listening this week.
It's a whole lot of work and self control to face this situation.
I realize that it may be too late. That it may have been too late since the minute she started the affair so I am not going to allow myself to think that this one text is what will cause our divorce.

If we do talk from here on out it won't be the pretend conversations anymore though. Where she acts like nothing happened and life is normal.
I'll be looking forward to the dark plan b after she leaves. Which sounds easy to pull off.
The part that I need the most help with is everything up until then. I do want her last memory of me to be very positive.

That's not all he says. Have you done any reading on Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements?

Well. Those being love busters.
To not do those either.
Is there some riddle I'm missing here?

Yes, he also provides a method for eliminating them.

Which might be of help to you since you were looking for one:


Don't make us spoonfeed you, mrwalters, because that won't help you. Nobody can be helped if that's what they want.

Can you list for us which Marriage Builders books you have read completely all the way through? I hope it includes Love Busters.

Ok.
I have the love busters cd set. I will be listening to them for the next couple days.

I see how all of this will work great in a marriage. What I don't see is how it will help in my marriage now that my wife is having an affair.
I do understand that I need to not love bust and try to meet her needs, etc.
however this shows her no consequence to her actions.
I would walk all over my wife if I was sleeping with another woman and she tried to love me out of doing that.
I'd think that I had the best of both worlds.

You suffer the consequences when you lovebust her, though. It is not smart or strategic because it a) makes you look bad and b) makes the OM look good.


You are not trying to "love her out of it," you are just not lovebusting her and making yourself look bad.

The OM appreciates your support....