A quick & dirty on the situation. Recently found out H had physical affair with a women when I was out of town taking care of a family situation. This was 2 years ago. This went on over "about" 2 months. The same time I found this I found other emails. He's been writing to LOTS of his old girlfriends from back before we even got married!! 30 years ago!! One of these "chats" was VERY recent and got very intimate within a couple of weeks. I was heartbroken and sickened. The trust of 30 years shattered in an instant.

Fast forward: 3+ months since discovery. We are in therapy (each of us separately & us together for marital/couples therapy).

It is getting better. He is trying. I have complete access to his iPad, computer, cell phone. He is remorseful and he is trying to make amends. He's answered my repeated questions. I can't even understand why I'm asking. They are just painful and like salt in the wound, but they keep popping up in my head. Did he say "I love you" to her like he does to me, etc. How could I have misread him all these years -- not seen that he was (to be kind) a little too friendly with female friends?! I do love him, but I feel confused, conflicted. My whole world changed that day after reading those awful e-mails.

My problem is the anger. Sometimes it just boils up inside me, like a volcano. This seems to happen mid-week (nearly every week, and mid-week is when I found out "D day") and occasionally an additional mini-meltdown on one of the weekend days.

We are both exhausted (physically and emotionally).... trying desperately to move forward. Just when I think I'm ready to do that, something triggers it all over again. It can be the smallest word, action, something I hear on TV.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to deal with the FURY, hurt and resentment. I do dearly love him. I know he loves me and is sorry. I want to work thru this and stay married.

Thoughts/comments (of a constructive nature) appreciated.

Thanks.

Sorry that you are here but welcome.

Have you read through the recovery steps?

Were these affairs exposed and what has your H done to implement Extraordinary Precautions?

Hang in there.

Were any of these OW married?

@BrainHurts:

Only two were married at the time, but they were "emotional" only... not PA (as far as I know).

@LongHaul30:

SusieQ asked some good questions. If you answer them for us so as to give a bit more background, you will probably get some more responses.

I don't want any more "help." Thanks.

Wow. No need to be rude.

Did you see the sign on the door before you registered and started posting on Marriage Builders?


We can't help you with your own marital recovery program - only Dr Harley's and this isn't a platform for you to pick fights with people about integral parts of the program that you disagree with.

Hmmm...okay. Even if you do not come back to read further, I've still decided to respond (even without more info) to your first post in this thread. Your eloquent writing resonated with me, and perhaps other newly betrayed spouses can be helped by the responses here.

That's a long time to think that things are one way, and then find out that they totally are not what they seemed.

Yes, it did.

If you've read any of Dr. Harley's articles from the red area above this forum, then you know that he teaches that no one can MAKE us angry. I remember well the "boiling up inside". Marriage Builders taught me not to allow myself to USE my feelings about PAST choices to punish my H.

If you allow yourself to resort to anger, then you are causing further damage to your marriage.

I had to learn to protect my H from my anger. Some things that worked for me 1) I would leave the room for 1/2 hour rather than make demands, judgments, or outbursts against him. 2) I made a list of things that he could do for me in the moment to help me to re-route my thinking. 3) I read and re-read the article about triggers that someone from here posted for me...we've only got about two minutes to STOP trigger-thoughts before they overtake us. 4) I prayed. 5) Sometimes we would get into the car and drive. The further that we got away from the "scene of the crime", the better that I felt.

I hope that some of these ideas may help you LongHaul30. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. I never believed that it could happen to me either. Lots of us do understand.

****

I also want to say that I hope that before you decide for sure to stay in your marriage, that you will at least look around here some more to read about how to affair-proof your marriage. This program does work when we work the whole program. Many of us have cherry-picked certain things (myself included) and then found ourselves in a false recovery. After the last D-day, my husband quit his job instantly. We discovered then that NOTHING was more important to us than our marriage.

Many here have been successful in eliminating their angry outbursts using Dr. Harley's program. Including markos. You would be wise if you would go calm down and come back ready to listen.

It is possible to do. And it will greatly improve your marriage.

--Markos' Trophy

I was rude. I apologize to all.

I'm off my meds and sometimes say/do inappropriate and/or bizarre things.

I do not belong here. Sorry.

Would appreciate ADMIN blocking/deleting my account entirely.

This is the BEST place for you to be if you would like some help with angry outbursts. There is a plan here to eliminate them, and you are welcomed to stay.

There's also a plan here to help you recover from your husband's affair. It's not like any plan you'll find anywhere else, and I highly recommend it. It has saved thousands of marriages.

We want to help.

Thank you LongHaul30. We all really do hope that you may decide to stick around.

As much as I personally detested what I was told when I first got to this site (who WANTS to have their life upended like this?), it is the people here and Dr. Harley's no-nonsense program that did save our marriage. I went 33 years before finding out...just like you, I felt that my life was wiped away in an instant...but I do not feel like that today at all!

Even if you decide to lay low for a while, you may consider clicking on any of our screen names and then viewing posts back to when we first landed here. You'll see that you are not alone. {{{hugs to you}}}

Oh my, yes! I had a huge amount of anger when I first arrived here. My H lied and lied about the affair(s), and the more I uncovered the angrier I got. It wasn't until we implemented the program fully, without shortcuts, that our marriage began to recover. H stopped lying. I stopped being angry. We are a team now, going in the same direction. And we love each other.

Why are you off your meds?